Opinuendo

Silent Killer

2012-02-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things not to like about the internet (like the fact that it makes things too convenient¹), but wanna know what I love about the internet? It is a place of truth². Sometimes there is so much truth spewing out of the internet that I wonder why it isn't called the truthnet.

However, occasionally - and don't let this shock you - lies will creep onto the internet. Take this ad for instance:

I have heard snoring called a lot of things - in fact, I have called snoring a lot of things - but silent has never been on of them.

(In case you are wondering, no, I am not going to address that hideous mask-like-contraption... too easy)

If you google silent killer you will find references to things like carbon monoxide exposure, high blood pressure, hypertension, diabetes, etc; you will even see this simple definition for silent killer, "Many diseases are silent killers in that they are silent (no symptoms or only vague symptoms), and that they are deadly."

Whoever made this ad is exactly half right³. Snoring is a ~~silent~~ killer (see sleep apnea). Silent? Not so much; according to wikipedia (the ultimate source of truth⁴), "snoring is the vibration of respiratory structures and the resulting sound". Basically, if you are silent, you aren't snoring.

I will let Toby tell you about the real silent killer:

1 - Special thanks to Amazon Prime and Zappos; shopping has never been easier. I don't know why I ever go to stores anymore... Christmas shopping this year was a breeze.
2 - uh, this should be read with a sarcastic tone...
3 - Literally half correct. 12 characters in the term silent killer - 6 are true, 6 are false. 4 syllables - 2 are true, 2 are false.
4 - See note 2

Your so smart

2011-10-28T16:33:00.001-06:00

In my home town, they are resurfacing one of the main thoroughfares and, as I was driving home from a meeting on Wednesday, I saw this lighted road sign:

"Double
Lane
Closure"

"Tell
Sunday
Night"

Now, unless Sunday Night is a person and the construction company wants us all to tell her (or him) about the double lane closure, my guess is we are dealing with a serious devolution of the word "until". Let me demonstrate:

Until > 'Til > Til > Tell

Which is annoying, confusing, and reinforces stereotypes about construction workers' intelligence, but may not be the worst lighted road sign I saw this week. It was at least helpful once you figured out what the author was trying to say - something I can not say for this sign:

"Road
Work
Ahead"

"Next
Four
Weeks"

There is nothing technically wrong with that example, but if you didn't see it the day the construction company put it up (and mark your calendars accordingly), there is no way to know when the four weeks of construction will be done. Therefore, the notice is completely useless; when I saw it, I didn't know if the construction was nearly done or had just begun.

However, if the author was trying to be funny and play on the fact that construction projects are rarely done on time, then I award him (or her) props for creativity and subtly mocking the system. But I also take away those same props for forcing me to think too much about it.

The Best Marketing Wednesday... on this blog... today.

2011-10-19T08:00:00.000-06:00

Last year I introduced a feature on my blog called "Marketing Wednesdays" and there are some people (not to mention any names, but we will call them Esteban and MBSB) who rarely let a week pass with out reminding me that I have not stayed current on my Marketing Wednesdays. This is true. I have not. However, I would like to take a little trip down memory lane to that fateful day and re-examine my promise to the blog-o-sphere.

Wednesday, November 17, 2011
To that end, I introduce to you "Marketing Wednesdays: A Mini-series of Marketing Fails". This will run for at least 4 or 5 weeks.

Including that original post, I had 6 Marketing Wednesdays in a row, thus fulfilling my original commitment. Since then, Marketing Wednesdays have become somewhat intermittent and will continue to be an occasional gem to the world. Now that I have cleared that up, I present my most current gem:

Imagine, if you would, a nearly empty college library. In this particular room there 3 people:

Jessica - An attractive, young, single woman.
Bubba - a large, hygienically-challenged man who likes amateur gator wrestling and wearing clothes that are five years too old and two sizes too small.
Ted - A nice, young guy who is average in every possible way.

After a few minutes of working up the courage, Ted walks up to Jessica and lays doozie of a pick-up line on her:

"Hi, my name is Ted and when I noticed you from across the room I couldn't help but come and mention that I am the most desirable man in the room."

What is Jessica to take from that? At best, Ted has issued an underwhelming statement of his desirableness; at worst, he has damned himself with faint praise*. Why would Jessica be intrigued by this? The best thing Ted could come up with was that he was better than Bubba?

Last week, on my iPhone, I was reading an article on the Occupy Wall Street movement. Embedded was the following ads:

Seriously? The #1 Fish App? How many fish apps are there? And why is your icon a clock? This reeks of poor marketing. If you can't come up with an icon and all you can say is that your app is the best in a minuscule market, then you don't have much of an app. Needless to say, I was not impressed enough to look up, or purchase, Tap Fish 2.

* - There are those in the world who feel I use a lot of sayings and cliches in my everyday speak, to them this will be another example of such. "Damned with faint praise" means to condemn not by saying anything bad, but by not having any praise that is substantive.

Dear Kylee, I am sorry that the public school system failed you...

2011-10-10T14:09:00.000-06:00

On November 5th last year, my friend Kylee authored a blog post about how she hates Thanksgiving and attributed most of the hatred to the fact that Christopher Columbus is remember too fondly by history and really wasn't a good guy. However, myself and several other people pointed out that, while Columbus may not have been a great dude, Thanksgiving is not a holiday to celebrate Christopher Columbus (that's what Columbus Day is for); Thanksgiving is about giving thanks (if only we gave our holidays more obvious names, then we wouldn't have these confusions).

Well, once that was pointed out, her blog post became much, much shorter and without mention of Columbus. (This is why I have a love/hate relationship with the internet... anyone* can publish anything and then change later to cover up damning (or embarrassing) evidence).

Well Kylee, today - October 10, 2011 - is Columbus Day; if there is any day to post your beef with Chris Columbus, this is probably it. Or you can wait until Thanksgiving again.

*Case in point - I have a blog.

What I've learned from Jack Bauer

2011-07-25T08:23:00.001-06:00

Pretty much everything I need to know in life I have learned from Jack Bauer.

Lesson #1 - Trust No One (Except Jack Bauer)
Lesson #2 - If you are still trusting this list then you clearly didn't learn lesson #1

The 3 Great Lies

2011-07-20T20:56:00.000-06:00

My grandfather maintained that there are 3 great lies:

1) "I am from the government and I'm here to help you."

Depending on who is doing the quoting, this is sometimes quoted as "I am from the federal government and I'm here to help you", but grandpa passed away in 1994, so I can't really get a definitive answer as to whether or not he differentiated between the helpfulness of the state and federal governments. However, I like to keep things simple, so I am lumping all government agents into one.

2) "I will love you just as much in the morning."

I am not going to expound on this one as Opinuendo is a family friendly site... moving right along...

3) "The check is in the mail."

Where checks are more and more becoming a thing of the past (and mail for that matter) and payments are becoming instantaneous, I feel that we need a new lie for the 3rd great lie. Here are some possibilities:

"This won't hurt at all"

"I'll be there in five minutes."

"I didn't post that; my account got hacked."

"I'm on my way right now."

"It's not you, it's me."

"My computer crashed and I lost all my work."

"I'll be right with you."

"This is a sure investment."

Feel free to post your ideas for the 3rd great lie in the comments.

4 Keys to a Quality Advertisement

2011-06-02T12:03:00.002-06:00

Because of Memorial day on Monday, Tuesday felt like Monday and Wednesday felt like Tuesday and today feels like Wednesday, so, needless to say, I have dubbed this Thursday an honorary "Marketing Wednesday"!

I have always said that a good marketing campaign is built on 4 things:

Fear, Innuendo, unqualified legal advice, and an appeal to people's political beliefs.

That is why I feel like Utah Valley Records Management almost hit a homerun with the ads on their trucks.

"'Thanks for the drug money'…. DRUG USERS LOVE DUMPSTER DIVING"

Classic fear mongering technique. Blame the druggies. Tell me this, when was the last time you saw a credit card number on a receipt? At most you see the last 4 digits. Furthermore, I don't know any drug dealers who accept credit cards* and I don't know how how a druggie would get money out of an ATM with only a credit card number.

I am not saying that identity theft is something that shouldn't be taken serious, but it seems to me that if you should be afraid of anyone getting your credit card number, it is those daggum online shopping addicts.

Things get even stranger on the side of the truck:

Why would you need to shred "last season's bowling ball" and care that "shredded evidence… is not evidence" unless you killed someone with a bowling ball. I think I am going to have to call "homicidal innuendo" on this one.

While we are on the subject, nothing like a little unqualified legal advice to generate sells… Are you sure that shredded evidence is not evidence? Seems like if you could put it back together like a puzzle, it could still be used as evidence.

This also begs the question, how many crimes does this company think the average person is committing?

It is one thing to shred documents in order to protect identity or proprietary information - I do this all the time - but I can honestly say that I have never found a need to shred "evidence".

Based on the customers they seem to be trying attract, it sounds like Utah Valley Records Management needs to add money laundering and metal melting** services and partner with alibinetwork.com, then they would have a complete line of criminal protection services.

However, the one thing missing in this ad is an appeal to the political beliefs of their target audience. Now, if history has taught us any one thing, it is that just because a person is a professional basketball player doesn't mean you can count on him to make his free throws***. But if history has taught us any two things, the second is that there is no such things as "off-limits" when it comes to politics. Seriously, as near as I can tell, you can say anything when talking about a political candidate because people don't care about details like "facts" or "truth" when we are merely talking about little things like the leadership of our government.

Given that this is Utah Valley Records Management, the obvious sell would be to some how blame the need to shred documents on Obama. If they could somehow work that angle into their ad, they would be an unstoppable force****.

Editor's Note: There may have been a slight hint of sarcasm sprinkled throughout this post…

*Technically, I don't know any drug dealers... period. But I don't imagine they take credit cards.

**To destroy guns and knives, of course

***This statement serves two purposes: first, to commemorate the official retirement of Shaquille O'Neal (The unofficial retirement was in 2007 when he stopped caring). Second, I am not totally over Derrick Rose missing huge free throws in the Eastern Conference Finals and allowing the Heat to move on to the Finals.

****I like using asterisks and having footnotes. Also, this post is not intended to support or slander any political candidate or government official. If you, as the reader, do happen to take this a criticism of the media or the political process as a whole, that is fine.

What Would GQ Do?

2011-05-31T13:58:00.000-06:00

Last week I received my latest issue of GQ, which isn't all that exciting except for the fact that I found this little gem:

Above is a blurb which reads as follows:

Just Say No to Rapper Headphones
Props to Dr. Dre, who recently hit upon the only thing a rapper hadn't yet shilled: headphones. Beats by Dre has been a runaway success, and now 50 Cent and Ludacris are hocking headgear. But c'mon, y'all -- this isn't 1998, when dudes rocked Wallabees to be like Wu-Tang. If you're still chasing rapper-endorsed status symbols in 2011, it's time to quit asking yourself, "What would Jay-Z do?" and start asking, "What would I do?" -Will Welch

Clearly, the only way for me to address this is an open letter to Billy himself...

Dear Mr. Will Welch:

RE: "Just Say No to Rapper Headphones"

I do not disagree with your sentiments that people shouldn't just buy something because someone famous endorses it. But do you not find it even the slightest bit absurd or incongruent** for you, an employee of GQ magazine - a magazine whose sole purpose is to tell men what they should and should not buy and wear - are telling people not to be "followers" in what they wear and buy? If people really were to simply ask themselves "What would I do?" in the area of fashion and accessories, wouldn't you be out of a job?

Why not just call a spade a spade and say, "...If you're still chasing rapper-endorsed status symbols in 2011, it's time to re-up on your GQ subscription and quit asking yourself, 'What would Jay-Z do?' and start asking, 'What would GQ tell me to do?'"?

Sincerely,
Kenny

P.S. - GQ, once my free 1-year subscription to your magazine is up, I will not be renewing. I just want to make that clear upfront, so as not to be accused of sending mixed signals later.

** - Did you know that the definition for "incongruent" is "not congruent". Talk about a useless definition. Thanks Merriam-Webster!

You are great just the way you are... sort of.

2011-05-06T13:59:00.001-06:00

Yesterday The 'Cob, CL6, and I were at lunch - Thai Thursday. At one point, the conversation turned to dating and I mentioned that I had signed up for online dating, but that it still seemed weird to me. CL6 commented that he thought within 5 years the stigma of online dating would be gone (CL6 is married, so the dating game isn't something that he worries too much about), but The 'Cob said that he thought the stigma was mostly gone already (the stigma*, of course, being that only weirdos with no social skills resort to online dating).

Fast-forward to this morning. As I was walking to my car to go to work, I checked my mailbox and what did my eyes behold?

GQ Magazine. Which is weird because I don't subscribe to GQ, nor do I want to subscribe to GQ, and I definitely don't want to pay for GQ. So I called and asked why I was sent the magazine. The woman told me it was because I signed up for XYZ dating site and it came with a 1-year subscription to GQ. I asked if I was going to be automatically billed at the end of the year and she said no. So I guess I get GQ now.

However, what does this say about online dating? Sounds to me like this dating site is only reinforcing the above stated stigma... "oh, you are signing-up for our site? hmmm, ok, well, we are going to send you this magazine for a year to help you out. You are great the way you are... sort of... just *ahem* read this and take some hints."

*As a side note, I don't really feel like there is a huge stigma about online dating anymore. It seems that it is becoming more normal and most of the girls that I have talked to through dating sites are normal and cool. But I do think it is funny that they send all the guys GQ... I wonder what the girls get.

Happy Birthday to The 'Cob!

This is why I love sports.

2011-03-30T22:14:00.035-06:00

Think back to 2am Tuesday morning. What were you doing? Probably sleeping (that is what I was doing). Maybe working or doing homework.

Well, you could have been joining in on a heated debate over an article/video by Dan Patrick criticizing Rick Reilly for his article ripping Jimmer Fredette.

I posted a link to Patrick's article on Facebook stating that I agreed with him. I never guessed what would follow that post. Two of my friends - Ronnie and Chris - went back and forth over the course of 73 comments until 2:30am. What they were going back and forth over is not totally clear at some points. It started about the article and then just sort of devolves.

There are a couple of things that I love about this.

1. I love sports. Don't get me wrong; I am passionate about them, I follow them way too closely, I debate hypotheticals concerning them - I love sports. But I will be the first to say that there are a lot of us that take them too far. This Facebook argument is an example of that. At the heart of all of this is Jimmer Fredette. If you don't know who that is, here is quick overview - he is a 6'1" Mormon, white kid who plays for BYU and lead the nation in scoring. He has an unbelievable shot and has taken the nation by storm. He took BYU to the sweet 16 where they lost to Florida. After which, Rick Reilly - a sports writer for ESPN.com - said that he was overrated, leading to a furious debate.

And here is what I love about sports: people - myself included - get worked up into a tizzy over things that can't be known, don't matter, and/or they have no control over.

Take the Jazz for instance. They are my favorite team. They are also horrible this year. I spend gobs of time discussing what they should do, will they get better, and what caused the problems. Yet I have zero control over it and it really has no bearing on my life. But I still do it. I still miss Deron Williams and Jerry Sloan. I still want the Jazz to get good draft picks. I still yearn for them to win the championship next year. And I still want the Lakers to lose in such glorious fashion that all Lakers fans denounce the evil franchise and burn their jerseys.

Yes, that is what I go through as a Jazz fan. And yes, I realize it is foolish, but I am not alone.

2. The second thing that makes the aforementioned Facebook argument such a gem is the fact that Chris and Ronnie have never met each other. It is glorious.

And that embodies why sports are so great. They can cause two people who don't know each other to argue vehemently online for hours about something that doesn't matter.

So here it is:

Nobody will Notice... Right?

2011-03-30T17:20:00.000-06:00

When you're looking for a tattoo artist, do you worry about little things like the ability to spell? Because if I were having something indelibly inked onto my body (which I wouldn't), I would want the person doing the inking to have a steady hand and be able to spell.

Which is why I wouldn't go to this place:

That's right, "Forever Yours Tatto".

And in case you are wondering, you're right, the word tattoo should have two "O"s.

Some of you are probably saying, "but Kenny, it probably had both 'O's and someone stole one." Yeah, you may be right, but if I owned museum called "The History of Homo Sapiens" and somebody removed the letters "apiens" from the company van, I would not let anyone drive around in a van that said:

The History of Homo S

I would either get new letters or remove them all. Which brings me to my rules of advertising on your car:

1. Think long and hard before doing it, because chances are it won't look good. Even if the above example was devoid of spelling errors, it is still an ugly sticker on an old, nasty van. If you can do something that is well designed, looks classy, and is on a nice car, then maybe you can pull it off.

2. Once part of it starts to go, then all of it has to go.

3. Again, probably not a great idea. See rule #1.

You didn't think I would miss a Marketing Wednesday, did you?

2011-03-23T14:43:00.001-06:00

I am not a fan of hyperbole (hy·per·bo·le : extravagant exaggeration); especially when they are actually just flat out lies.

Here are 2 examples:

This is an ad on the window of the Relax the Back store. I worry about their understanding of the word "true". When I envision "experiencing true zero gravity", I picture myself floating in the air; not sitting in a chair with gravity holding me in that chair.

Here is an idea, why not just say:

Experience zero gravity

Experience the comfort of zero gravity

Besides, zero gravity sounds fun and all - and I would love to go into space - but I don't associate that with a relaxed back.

FYI. There is gravity in space. It just has less force.

Moving on...

I saw this poster in the DMV (btw, I waited until the last possible day to get my license renewed before having to re-take the test; I don't recommend that action for anyone).

Our dear friends in the DMV are trying to encourage people to donate their organs. I support that. I don't support such a loose definition of the word "never". My grandmother is 87 years old and therefore is too old to donate. But I thought you were never too old to donate? I am confused... are people never too old to donate? Or can they donate up to the age of 80? Which is it?

Apparently, you are never too old to donate... unless you are too old to donate.

Actually, I can get behind this definition of "never".

I never cut class in high school.
I've never lied.
I've never been wrong.
I've never broken the speed limit.

(except for the times I did or was.)

Thanks Utah... and sorry to all the old people who got their hopes up that they could contribute to a better world.

140 Charaters... Unless Otherwise Stated.

2011-02-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

We are all familiar with Twitter - it is like a mini-blog or a site of nothing but facebook statuses. You can follow people and they can follow you. It has become a powerful social networking tool.

The thing that makes twitter especially unique is the fact that each tweet can only be 140 characters; this is a concept and feature that they have touted and marketed and used to separate themselves from others. In fact, when Twitter won awards at the South by Southwest Festival in 2007, the company's acceptance speech was less than 140 characters

On Twitter, like most social networking sites, each user has a profile that they can maintain:

Notice, unlike your posts, your profile can be a whopping 160 characters.

What do I say to this? BOOO!

It would be one thing if the profile had no limit or an obscenely high limit, but twitter is built around the number 140, why would they give an extra 20 characters for the profile? Lame.

Who does this guy think he is!

2011-01-20T16:53:00.000-07:00

In baseball, a triple play is pretty rare and that makes it exciting. That is how a blog should be. People shouldn't water down the excitement of their blog by posting 12 times in a day (although, most blogs are not at all exciting, so they can post all they want). But every now and again it is time for a triple play day.

Rounding out my triple play, I want to bring to your attention one man's hypocrisy. There is a blog out there who's author claims to be something of a marketing expert. I don't know his credentials, if he even has any. But I do know this - he is a fraud! He doesn't even follow his own advice. Just today he posted about the importance of timing in advertising and marketing efforts, yet look at his blog:

Excuse me? You are the one who still has a Santa image in your header. On January 20th!

Furthermore, he lies on facebook. Even worse, he lies on facebook about his blog.

Guess what, there was no post on Monday. Or Tuesday for that matter.

The fact is, he must be stopped. Sure, he is funny, and handsome... and looks good with his not-overly-thick-beard, but he must be held accountable for his actions. So what should we do? Stop reading his blog? No, no... that is too simple. What we must do is tell everyone we know about his blog! I know what you are thinking, "how will that help?" You are just going to have to trust me on this one, it will.

Now you're asking, "but how do I spread the word?" Anything is fine. Email, Facebook, Twitter.

I will even tell you what to say:

Friends and enemies alike - I have recently come across a pretty okay blog written by a smart, funny, hilariously, intelligent guy who I want to teach a lesson to. Help me out by visiting his blog daily. Just go to opinuendo.blogspot.com.

Thanks, ______________

Together we can all make a difference!

Timing Matters

2011-01-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you noticed some Black Friday ads on the Saturday and Sunday following Thanksgiving. And perhaps, like me, you said to yourself, "that is dumb, Black Friday has come and gone. They need to remove these ads quicker."

It was even worse after Christmas. On December 26th, I noticed a lot of TV and radio ads for "the perfect Christmas gift", which was really helpful because I was looking for the perfect Christmas gift... except, Christmas was over. It was funny on the 26th, but it was downright annoying by the 30th. So imagine how I felt when I saw a billboard last week for the Ultimate Christmas radio station. We are halfway through January!

Don't these people know that timing is everything? But, hey, any publicity is good publicity, right? Wrong. Sometimes you actually can be noticed for the wrong thing. (Don't even get me started on that annoying guy who does the State Farm commercials...)

Yesterday (January 19th) I was in my local Wells Fargo and saw a stack of these fliers on the table where you fill out your deposit slip:

Why are they leaving fliers out for an offer that is over by 10 days? How hard is it to just throw them in the trash?

Now to the mother-of-all timing fails - I took these pictures at a local gas station on January 5th:

I know... it really is hard to look at. And it hurts no one more than me to have to show such gruesome images. There are some of you saying right now, "my goodness! At the time you took that picture, that ad should've been down for 86 days" and you almost right. It was actually 87 days.

Is the sign down now? I don't know. You think I can stomach fueling there? If they don't even bother to change the ads, imagine the last time the bathroom was cleaned or the hot dogs were changed.

Listen people: Timing matters.

Update - Triple Post Day!

2011-01-20T02:36:00.000-07:00

As you probably don't know - because I didn't tell you - I have been on Blog-cation (a vacation from blogging, to the layperson) for the past 4 weeks. Of course, this has caused an uproar amongst all 4.5 of my readers; especially due to the lack of Marketing Wednesday. Well, fear not my minions! Marketing Wednesday has been moved to Thursday this week and you can expect a post later TODAY. (It's fine to applaud).

Also, to commemorate the start of blogging in 2011, today will be a triple post day (yes, this counts as one of the three posts).

So tell your friends, family, and enemies because we are going for 11 readers in '11!

Opinuendo-ians Unite!

Hey you, give me money!

2010-12-22T16:08:00.001-07:00

Here is your late edition of Marketing Wednesday. One of the keys to marketing is giving someone a reason to do something that (they think) benefits them. You would never hear salesperson say, "I think you should buy this piece of junk so that I can get the commission off of it." They may be thinking it, but they won't say it if they want to be successful.

Also, there should be some level of specificity in your marketing. If you are selling woman's clothing, you don't try to get teenage boys into your store. You market to women and people buying things for women.

Apparently, who ever was in charge of signage at this gas station did not know either of those things.

Dear Chevron by my house,

This does not make my want to stop and buy anything from you. I asked myself 2 things when I saw this: What and Why? Which is exactly what you should have been selling me. I feel like almost anything would have been better.

"You worked hard today and deserve a treat! Candy Bars 4 for $1"
"Need a boost? All fountain drinks $0.99"

Are those good ideas? Not really, but in 15 seconds I came up with something better than what you have.

-Kenny

Tips for today:
1. Give me a reason to by that benefits me.
2. Be specific.

Food.

2010-12-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

I was at a family party recently and one of my aunts was telling me how much she liked my blog and asked where I come up with material for it. All I could do was say, "I don't know, it is just a product of thoughts I have throughout the day."

It's not the first time that I have been asked some variation of "what is going on in your brain?" In fact, this summer, the 'Cob and I were both in the break room at work preparing our lunches when I turned to him and asked:

Me: Have you ever thought about making a chicken omelette, but wondered if it was wrong to cook chicken in egg?

Side note: neither of us were cooking chicken or omelettes

'Cob: (busts up laughing) No.
Me: I am just saying, it sounds good, but it also seems a little weird, right?
'Cob: (still laughing) It sounds good, but I never would have thought of that. How do you even think of something like that?

Anyhow, that really has nothing to do with today's comic. Except that it is a story about food. (I am posting two variations of the same comic because I couldn't decide which was less lame.) Click to enlarge.

The Google Playbook

2010-12-16T02:11:00.003-07:00

Look what I had the good fortune of finding:

That's right, it's the Google Playbook*. You'll never guess where I found it... you know that pocket in the back of the seats on airplanes? Well, someone left it there.

This book contains all of their secrets to success. Surprisingly, there are only 2 (most of the book is filled with tips to annoy the Chinese government and doodles). Would you be interested in the secrets of Google's success?

Don't Be Evil.
Change Logo for Holidays and Special Events.

Well, I have long tried to live rule numero uno, so I figured it was time to give number 2 a try. With that, I present to you the "Christmas 2010 Opinuendo Logo/Header Graphic":

As always, artwork done by me.

Merry Christmas!!!

*-The Google Playbook may or may not be a real book, but I probably did not find it in the back of an airplane seat. But maybe I did.

Business Cards

2010-12-15T08:12:00.007-07:00

It is Wednesday and we all know what that means... Marketing Wednesday!!! Thus far I have received very little feedback on Marketing Wednesday, which I will take as a good thing. (Because, let's face it, if I took no feedback as a bad thing, the blog would be dead. How is that for a subtle plea for comments?)

Anyhow, my apologies to The Men's Wearhouse, who is taking a hit on my blog, but I was in my local store last week to see about buying a suit and/or sports coat (see previous post); I didn't find anything I liked, but they are going to have a couple of things sent to the store to see if I like them (props to Men's Wearhouse for that).

As I was getting ready to leave, the salesman who had been helping me gave me his card - which I stuck in my jacket pocket and forgot about until today when I wore the jacket again. When I pulled it out to throw it away, I noticed something interesting.

What is an "Assistant Manager II"? How many assistant managers are there? And what is the difference between "Assistant Manager II" and "Assistant Manager I"?

I should interject here that I have long planned* on naming my first son "Kenny, Jr." with hopes of him naming his first son "Kenny, III"**, so if anyone should be predisposed to like roman numerals after stuff, it is me.

However, I don't like this. It looks... Unprofessional. I can't help but feel this was a petty power struggle over a title and what did it turn into? It looks a lot like the end of the credits to a movie:

Bank robber #1...........Bob Roberts***
Bank robber #2...........Eddy "The Hammer" Smith
Pedestrian #1............Tom Jones
Pedestrian #2............Shirley J. Temple

So what do you do if you want to distinguish between two levels of employees? We all know that "Assistant Assistant Manager" won't work, so my vote is for "Assistant Manager I" to be bumped to "Sr. Assistant Manager" and "Assistant Manager II" to transition to "Assistant Manager".

In any case, you can be assured that I will be asking to see "Assistant Manager I" the next time I walk into my local Men's Wearhouse.

*-This plan is completely subject to change depending on my wife's**** feelings on the matter. I may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but I know that I would rather have a happy wife than a son named "Kenny, Jr."

**-I figure I will be rich enough that his wife will go along with it hoping to get a larger chunk of the inheritance.

***-If my last name were "Roberts", I would name my first son "Bob" and my second two sons "Robert"... No matter what. I would get a kick out of seeing people's face when I introduce the family. "This is my oldest son, Bob. And these are my other sons, Robert and Robert, respectively. We like to call Robert (pointing to son #3) here, Bob"

****-Currently taking applications.

A Revolt Against the English Language

2010-12-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

I have a love/hate relationship with the English language. I love it because it is the only language I speak and I hate it for almost every other reason. For instance, in the following sentence, the word "right" has four different meanings:

"I have the right to turn right right there, right?"

It could be re-written as:

"I am allowed to turn right exactly there, correct?"

They mean the same thing. It could be an Abbott and Costello routine.

Guy #1: "So I take the next left?"
Guy #2: "Right."
#1: "Wait... I take the next right?"
#2: "No, you take the next left."
#1: "That is exactly what I said. I take the next left."
#2: "Right."
#1: "Now hold on there buster; you said I take the next left!"
#2: "Right."
#1: "Well what is it? Left or Right?"
#2: "Left."
#1: "Well then why on earth do you keep saying, 'right', when I ask if I am turning left?!?!?"
#2: "Because it's right."
#1: "But you said I have to turn left!"
#2: "Exactly! take your next left."
#1: "That is your final answer... Take the next left?"
#2: "Right."
#1: "Why I oughta... If I weren't driving this daggum car, I'd come over there and punch you square in the nose!!!"
#2: "what is your problem? You ask the question, I give the answer: take the next left."
#1: "You are sticking with left this time?"
#2: "Right"

I know what you are thinking to yourself, "Kenny, what about words that sound the same, but aren't spelled the same; how do you feel about those?"

I don't like them one bit.

Just last week a friend and I were chatting on Google Talk. She knew I was working on a huge project at work and trying to get ready for finals at the same time:

Friend: How are things going?
Kenny: Ok... right of passage, right?
Friend: um... rite of passage? right?
Kenny: ewe no how two sea wright thru me

Don't get me wrong... we both had a good chuckle because - lets face it - that was a pretty hilarious response. But still - I hate English.

Now some may say, "Kenny, be reasonable - all languages have there quirks, there isn't any language that would make you totally happy. And, besides, there are a lot of good things about English that you haven't acknowledged." And to that I would respond, "Don't be ridiculous. There is no room for reason in today's world. What kind of a blogger would I be if I didn't make impulsive, snap judgments based on half-truths and then declare them to be law? I'll tell you what kind of a blogger I would be - a bad one. If you want reason, you are in the wrong era. With the internet and media options we have today, we don't have to be reasonable nor listen to reasonable people."

So there you have it. I hate English and you should too.

Pinstripes.

2010-12-10T14:00:00.001-07:00

I am in the market for a new suit (my last suit and I had a good run - almost 4 years), but I have been putting off the purchase because of the cost. However, it is time to bite the bullet, so I began looking on Men's Wearhouse's website to see what it is going to run me.

What I would really like to do is get a suit and also a sports coat that goes with the some slacks I already have. As I was looking into this idea, I found this piece of fashion advice on the Men's Wearhouse site (emphasis added):

The pinstripe rule
Pinstripe sport coats or pants? They just don't happen. Look around any reputable clothier, and while you'll see a large selection of patterned sport coats, you won't see pinstriped sport coats as pinstripes are a very conservative pattern made just for suits.

Just so we are clear, pinstripe and sports coats do not go together. Got it? Good.

But wait... what is this:

That is a pinstriped sports coat on the Men's Wearhouse website! Trust me, no one was more surprised and hurt than me. No one.

Apparently, what they really meant when they said:

...you won't see pinstriped sport coats...

was:

...you won't see pinstriped sport coats - unless, of course, you are looking on our website...

I just don't know what to think anymore. Does this mean sports coats with pinstripes are in or out?

What can we as a people learn from this? Well, I think the lesson is clear: Absolutely never use absolutes.

Forget a Name, What's in an E-mail Address...

2010-12-08T08:12:00.002-07:00

It is Marketing Wednesday and I present this nugget of wisdom unto you: Email addresses matter.

Which would you respect more on a business card:

crzygurl1028542@hotmail.com*

jane.doe@gmail.com*

If you picked the first, you are wrong. I know that some will argue that this is a matter of opinion and there is no wrong answer, but those people are just as wrong as the people they are defending.

Look, you aren't going blow people away with an email address and you don't want to. It should be something that is easy to remember, but not something that is so strange that people take special note of it.

Want an example of what I am talking about?

I first saw this window sticker at a local Mcdonald's years ago. And I took note. In a bad way. I have 2 issues with the email address in the above photo:

1. mcdcmk? At first glance it looks like some blindfolded themselves and randomly typed 6 letters. I get that it is a Mcdonald's (mcd) owned by CMK Corporation, but it is not intuitive.

2. There is not necessarily anything wrong with a hotmail address (I tend to favor gmail or yahoo in the realm of free addresses), but if you are a corporation, I don't like you using a free account. When I first saw this, I specifically remember thinking to myself, "if you are going to go to the trouble of making these stickers, why not have your own domain?" This is especially in this day and age. It is so easy to buy a domain and use gmail to handle it. So easy.

Imagine if you were given a business card from a guy who worked at some big company - say, Bank of America - and on the business card it says "bigbubba107@yahoo.com*". Tell me you aren't going to be a little suspicious. Or even if a friend recommends a local handyman and gives you his email address - "thug4lyfe_1973@gmail.com*" - are you going to be impressed with that?

In the end, having an email address is like the Utah Jazz playing the LA Clippers: you have to do it, and if you do it well, nobody cares; but if you do it poorly, people are going to ask questions.

* - If these email address are yours, sorry. It was purely a coincidence. I was hoping they would be unused.

I don't speak spanish...

2010-12-07T01:07:00.000-07:00

I don't speak Spanish.

Most of you know this, but apparently Pandora.com didn't get the memo, because this ad keeps being displayed:

Sorry Xfinity and Pandora, Yo no hablo espanol.

The interesting thing is, it only shows up when I am listening to rap. Coincidence?

Art of the Asterisk

2010-12-02T08:03:00.001-07:00

So, before I get to the heart for this blog post, I apparently cannot post to my blog more than 9 times in a month. I thought this was going to be the month, but I was wrong. Maybe December...

Anyhow, I tend to talk a lot on this blog about things I don't like - because those are the easiest to notice in life and make fun of on a blog - but I am not really that negative of a person, so today I bring you something I don't like and something I do like.

I don't like when people misuse asterisks. I was listening to pandora the other day and beheld this ad:

Here we have VW advertising their new Jetta for $15,995. But it is not really $15,995, it is $15,995* - which means there should be fine print saying that if you want the car to come with seats, a steering wheel, and the engine; it is really more like $25,000. We have all gotten used to the system: you see an * and you immediately look to the bottom of the page for the explanation. But, in the above image, there is no explanation. There is nothing. Nowhere on that page can I find out what the asterisk means.

Then today I was reading a great blog post on desertnews.com and was asterisk-ed again. I read:

The seven teams' records before losing to the Jazz: 41-24*

and immediately went to the bottom of the page to find out what that meant, but there was nothing there. Nothing. What does the asterisk mean?!?

Here is what I am thinking:

The first asterisk in the above image is a reference to the second asterisk, but that makes no sense. The asterisk should either reference a note at the end of the article or the end of the section it is in. If he wanted it to be end of the section, it would have been like this:

With all of that said, here are: Kenny's Rules for Asterisks*
1. There always has to be an explanation. Always.
2. The explanation must be at the end of the same section or the bottom of the page.
3. The explanation must be in smaller type and italics.

I do like when people encourage others to visit my blog:

Props to Steve-o.
*I feel like with all of the talk of asterisks, there needs to be something down here. Enjoy the Christmas season which is now in full swing!

The Wednesday I almost forgot.

2010-12-01T15:39:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have noticed that I have ads on my blog. Why did I do that? Mostly it was a test and since putting them on there, I have made $0.04. So they will probably becoming down because they are ugly. Anyhow, a few minutes ago I was putting up a blog post* and clicked "preview" to give it a once-over before making it live and I saw the following ad:

When I saw it, I thought to myself, "man, that that is an ugly ad." Especially for a site claiming to be an expert in style. And the name is confusing - I think it is "Style List", but it looks like it is "stylist" spelled wrong. And if it is "Style List", does that mean that it is nothing but lists? And is that the logo? Do they not have a logo? Because it seems un-stylish to not have a logo.

Anyhow, in the midst of that train of thought, I realized I should use that for a Marketing Wednesday. Then it hit me: today is Wednesday and I had totally forgot. So, the above is your marketing tip for today. It teaches us: if you are claiming to be an expert in something, make sure your advertising doesn't undermine that.

Which, by the way, is something that people seemed to really like about last week's Marketing Wednesday. It was a marketing company with bad marketing and the second sign wasn't that great.

Note:
Not that it is in any way relevant to this post, but I just had major déjà vu. It tripped me out.

*The post I was working on will now run tomorrow.

Trouble Buying Mehmet Lately?

2010-11-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, I'm an avid Utah Jazz fan.

If you don't follow the Jazz closely, don't worry, they are doing well this year. Which is even more impressive when you consider that one of our key players - Mehmet "Memo" Okur - is out with ruptured Achilles. This afternoon I was wondering when he would be back, so I went to the Salt Lake Tribune's website and searched for "Mehmet Okur".

I discovered that his rehab is coming along well, but there is no timetable for his return. I also discovered that we can buy more "Mehmet Okur" on ebay and Amazon. So that is exciting:

It may be worth looking into, because the Mehmet Okur that we have is costing us almost $10 million/year.

Apparently those dynamic advertisements aren't yet perfect. In any case, hopefully Memo and his money ball will be back on the court soon.

"Memo for 3!!!"

I love the media.

2010-11-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

Below is a little movie that WAR and I put together yesterday as a tribute to the over-hyping powers of the media.

Back Story
For those of you who don't live in Utah, on Tuesday, the news began alerting us of a "severe winter storm" that was coming in. If you would have believed the news, you would have thought the world was ending. As it turned out, the world didn't end and it was just like a dozen other storms we see every year.

The number one lesson I learned from all of this: when making a faux-newscast, write a script. It makes it so much easier to get all the barbs in you want. I didn't, but next time I will.

Also, it is like I told WAR, this might be funny, it might be lame, but either way, we didn't have to help cook dinner.

Marketing Wednesday: Ugly Signs and iPhones

2010-11-24T08:34:00.004-07:00

Today's post will feature 2 lessons.

Lesson One: if you are a marketing company, don't put this handmade sign on your door:

Lesson Two: if you see a sign like the above, take a picture of it with your iPhone just as an employee comes around the corner. It won't be awkward, I promise. And, in less than an hour, that sign will turn into this:

Seriously though, I was in an office building and saw an office suite with the sign from the first photo on the door. I knew it would come in handy, so, after looking around to make sure no one would see, I took a picture. Right then an employee walked around the corner and caught me. It was very awkward. But, about an hour later, I left and the new sign was up. The power of the iPhone.

Friends.

2010-11-22T02:42:00.000-07:00

I have been asked, "Kenny, where do you get your ideas for your blog/comics?" and the answer is - I don't know; they are the product of random thoughts that come to me as I go throughout life.

I actually have a whole list of potential posts and comics. This means that the catalyst for a post may have happened months before I get around to posting it. In any case, some may think the following comic was modeled after a real life event. Not true. However, I was fortunate enough to be able to use the material in this comic in a real life situation. Tell me that doesn't blow your mind - a real life event that was based on a comic.

The significant thing about the above comic is that the process I went through to make it was completely different than the previous comics. This was 100% drawn on the computer using a tablet (which was recommended by the CAD genius). I like it, but I am still getting used to it and not sure if I am going to buy one for myself yet (currently borrowing one the Bear had lying around).

And, I will have you know, whether in a comic or in life, women do not like being put on a facebook waiting list. Write that down.

Marketing Wednesday: Monsters

2010-11-17T13:35:00.001-07:00

Some advice is just too good to pay for. That is why Al Gore invented the internet. And, more importantly, that is why this blog exists. In fact, take a moment and think of all the valuable things that I have taught you - I'll wait.

Done? No? Okay, I'll wait more.

Alright, I am sure you aren't quite done, but I must insist that we move on.

It turns out, I am a marketing genius. I am sure you are thinking to yourself, "Really? This site is just like every other blog out there - not very good and not very well known." Well, that is the image that I worked very hard to achieve to avoid becoming too rich and too famous (although, that plan may have worked too well, so maybe you could forward this URL to your friends and post it on facebook). Nevertheless, it is true: I am a marketing guru - my middle name is, in fact, Marketing** - and I want to pass that guru-ness on to you. To that end, I introduce to you "Marketing Wednesdays: A Mini-series of Marketing Fails". This will run for at least 4 or 5 weeks.

This week: Monsters.

Remember the good ol' days when fancy, computer-animated monsters on advertisements were the ultimate sign of professionalism and prestige? Especially in the dental profession? Yeah, me neither. But apparently Dr. Dan does:

Sorry, Dr. Dan, but telling me about how great you are at pulling monsters' teeth and having a monster's testimonial does not increase the chances of me coming to visit you. In fact, I am now less likely to visit you.

Here is the thing, my dog's vet did a great job removing my dog's kidney stones, but if I were to get kidney stones, I would go to a people doctor. If my monster has a toothache, I will go to Dr. Dan; if I have a toothache, I will go to a people dentist.

Also, I hate when people go by Dr. [first name here]. It feels... wrong.

Finally, props to BSB and his iPhone for sending in the picture of Dr. Dan's ad.

**My middle name may or may not actually be Mark. But who is counting.

This American Life

2010-11-11T17:18:00.001-07:00

So, I was recently introduced - by a really awesome person - to a radio show called "This American Life". I have been listening to the archives at work and really liked this episode.

I find the format and the content really well done. It is worth a listen.

Talking to Myself

2010-11-03T11:30:00.001-06:00

Here is the latest talking heads comic (click to enlarge):

I have to give a shout out to The Swordsman as he inspired this with his google buzz!

Double Post Day - Pumpkin Carving

2010-11-01T12:25:00.000-06:00

So, as it turns out, I have some amazingly talented friends. Some of them make couches and books and some sew and others make amazing cabinets, but I had no idea that Lil' D could do this with a pumpkin!

Trick or Treat

2010-11-01T11:50:00.000-06:00

So, this weekend I was totally devoid of the Halloween spirit as I flew to Washington D.C. with Antonio and W.A.R. to kick it with CLR and go to the Jon Stewart Rally (more on that to come). But I had intended to do a Halloween comic and had much of it drawn, so, under the "better late than never" school of thought, I finished it on my plane ride home. Here is my treat to you:

In other news, Antonio started growing hair on a bald spot he has had on his chin; so yeah, here is a shout out to him. That is a big moment. Turns out sleeping with manure on his face wasn't a complete waste.

The moment you didn't know you were waiting for...

2010-10-21T08:07:00.007-06:00

On Tuesday I announced that today I would make a big announcement. Surprisingly, no one guessed what the announcement would be.

Here it is, I am delving into the world of comics strips. Comic strips have always fascinated me, but drawing is somewhat frustrating for me... so I am just drawing heads. We will see how it goes.

Without further ado (click to enlarge):

Now, some of you might say, "really? is that the best you can do?" and the answer is, "hopefully not."

Truth be told, I have several ideas and trying to decide which to lead off with wasn't easy. And hopefully the rest are even better.

Comments are welcomed.

Announcing...

2010-10-19T08:00:00.002-06:00

I am announcing that I will announce a big announcement on Thursday. You may announce your guesses of the announcement that will be announced in the comment section below.

Birthdays

2010-10-18T13:24:00.001-06:00

So, I recently celebrated my birthday... actually, I didn't really celebrate it - I merely acknowledged it - but my friends and family recognized, which was nice.

However, I received several Birthday emails from corporations. This I am not a fan of. In fact, I don't like it at all.

Dear Corporation(s):
"You" didn't remember my birthday, "you" stored it in a database and had a program that generated an email on a given day. Furthermore, the only reason that "you" did it was to convince me buy your product or service. No thanks; I am now less likely to support you (just like politicians with poorly designed lawn signs). Unless you are sending me more than a crappy email, I don't want it.

Sincerely,
Kenny

This is exactly the junk I am talking about:

This is a foupon (that is word I just created for faux-coupon) that Gold's Gym sent me. This was their "birthday present" to me. Guess what Gold's Gym? I wouldn't have gone to the gym that day anyway. And I wouldn't have felt bad about it.

However, let me tell you of a birthday marketing scheme that worked. When I turned 16 Gillette sent me a Mach-3 razor and shaving cream for my birthday. This was no crappy disposable razor, nor was it a coupon for a razor. It was the real deal. A box that said Happy Birthday and a quality razor. There are few things that will win a 16 year old over like pretending they need to start shaving. I have been a Gillette man ever since. Never bought a Schick in my life.

While we are on the subject, I also have a bone to pick with facebook. (Actually, I have a lot of bones to pick with facebook, but we will stick to one for now). I am not great with remembering peoples names - it is not my strong suit, however, I can remember dates and numbers fairly well. So, up until facebook, I stood out for my ability to remember people's birth dates. Now? Nothing. Everyone assumes facebook reminds me. Quite frankly, I have considered putting a fake birthday on facebook out of spite just to throw people off.

Something a little different...

2010-09-07T22:33:00.000-06:00

Normally I use this blog as a creative (sorry to my 2 friends who claim writing is not creative) outlet for my random, sarcastic, and occasionally-cynical observations and views of the world. However, today I was reading about Terry Jones and his "Burn a Quran" day and am so bothered by it that I would rather address that.

For those of you who don't know, Terry Jones is a pastor for a small church in Florida who plans to burn copies of the Quran (a book which Muslims revere as sacred and holy) on September 11, 2010. He plans to do this as a form of protest against Islam (he maintains that Islam is a church of the devil) and terrorists.

I find this offensive and intolerant. I am dumbfounded by it on many levels, but the fact is this is completely out of line with the teachings in the bible. In Matthew 5:43-48, Christ states:

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

Christ spent His time doing good and spreading His message. Not tearing down the beliefs of others. I fail to see what cause Terry Jones believes he is promoting or problem he thinks he is solving with this offensive display.

In the face of criticism over his plan, Mr. Jones said, "How much do we back down? How many times do we back down? Instead of us backing down, maybe it's to time to stand up. Maybe it's time to send a message to radical Islam that we will not tolerate their behavior."

What does he think we are backing down from? I agree that there are times that we must stand for our beliefs, but I fail to see what beliefs he is standing for by offending hundreds of millions of innocent people.

As a Christian and a member of a church which has faced and continues to face persecution, I would be very offended if the scriptures which I hold as sacred were burned in a self-serving mock-protest.

Two final points:

I find it sad and ironic that Mr. Jones hides behind the Constitution and the freedom of speech (which the Constitution ensures) to disparage and disrespect another religion when that same Constitution also guarantees the freedom of religion.
It will be a great day when members of society can discuss our difference without responding to hate with hate.

Tell Me Lies... Tell Me Sweet, Little Lies

2010-09-03T17:21:00.000-06:00

Lately I have been having a numbness problem in my left hand. I lose feeling in my left pinky and down the left side of my hand on a regular basis. I have had the problem for years - I attribute it to an elbow injury suffered in a game of ping-pong in high school, but that is a story for a different blog post - but lately it has come more often, so I figured I would get it checked.

Turns out it is "moderately-severe" pinched nerve (isn't something either moderate or severe?). Nothing super serious; the doctor is supposed to call me and tell me what he thinks we should do next.

During the process, however, I did have an interesting experience. When I went to have the nerve test done, the nurse took me back to the exam room to prep me for the doctor:

Nurse: Have you ever had a nerve test before?
Me: No.
Nurse: Are you nervous?
Me: No.
Nurse: Okay, good, because it is really not that bad. What the doctor is going to do is hook some sensors to you and then give you little shocks. They don't hurt. It can be a little weird, but it doesn't hurt.
Me: Okay
I knew all of that and really wasn't concerned.
Nurse: Also, there is a needle involved... Are you afraid of needles?
Me: No.
Nurse: Okay, good, because it is just a little, tiny acupuncture needle that doesn't hurt at all... Really it is nothing... Not a big deal.
Me: Okay.
Nurse: I mean really, I have never seen anyone even flinch.
At this point I wanted to say, "Alright! I get it - not a big deal. Check." Especially since I don't mind needles anyway.
Me: Okay

Shortly after that, she left and the doctor came in. Everything was going fine; the shocks were nothing. Then the doctor says, "Okay, now I need to use a needle and this is going to pinch." So she sticks the needle in the my arm and it didn't really hurt, but was more than nothing. The really strange part is that you have to flex and relax your muscles with the needle in. Then the doctor move to the next spot on my arm and the next spot and so on. None were painful, but the nurse definitely understated the role of the needle. Finally, the doctor says, "Now, this is really going to be uncomfortable." Then she shoves the needle in the palm of my hand. That one caused a little flinch - which the doctor said was impressive.

However - while the doctor may have thought I did well - as a man, my pride was a little shaken because the nurse said nobody reacts. I don't like to think of myself as a wuss, but I flinched a little.

As I was walking out the nurse saw me and said, "So, how'd it go?"

Me: Not bad at all. Although, you weren't completely forthright about that whole painless needle thing.
Nurse (chuckling): Yeah, but would you rather I did that or made you worry the whole time?

I don't want to hurt you, therefore, I lie to you... Hmmm. That seems like flawed logic to me. What about the fact that I trust the medical profession even less (I wasn't all that trusting of them in the first place, but this didn't help)? Or the fact that I questioned myself? I know, it seems crazy, but it is true; for a moment I doubted my toughness.

Which brings me to my next point:

*********************************

Spoiler Alert!!

If you still believe in Santa Claus (or the Easter Bunny) just leave now and pretend you never were here.

*********************************

I am waiting...

Ok, are they gone? Good, it is just those of us who have learned that for the better part of our childhoods our parents lied and misled us. And for what?

There are some who say that kids need Santa to make Christmas fun. Really? Don't kids enjoy their birthdays? Don't kids enjoy any time they don't have to go to school and they get presents? Even without the aid of a fictitious character? Would a child really not be excited to for Christmas if they were taught something along the lines of, "Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth and in honor of His gift to all of us, mommy and daddy (and grandma and grandpa, etc) give gifts to you. Some people say that Santa brings the gifts and that is just their way of celebrating."?

Parents want their children to trust them on everything, but they don't always say trustworthy things. And they teach their kids not to take food or candy from strangers, not to let strangers in the house, and not to go around sitting on strangers laps, yet Christmas and Easter are all about breaking those rules.

I don't see the upside here. I would pay money to see a parent trying to get their son or daughter to do something and this conversation to take place:

Parent: Just do it. You will be fine; I promise... don't you trust me?
Young Child (reluctantly): Yeah right. That is what you said about that whole Santa bit... and look how that turned out for me. I can't believe I was so foolish... a grown man going down a chimney... FOOL ME ONCE!

Another Day, Another Fortune Cookie

2010-08-30T12:55:00.000-06:00

So, I had Panda Express for lunch today (FYI - they are still not serving Panda and have not yet changed their name; sorry to all of you that are waiting for one of those two things to happen).

My fortune today?

THE STAR OF HAPPINESS IS SHINING ON YOU

I don't even know what that means.

First of all, I have a hard time with a star of anything shining on me. Stars hardly are bright enough (well, I guess they are bright enough - technically - but not close enough) to shine on anyone... I guess they can twinkle on me (And to anyone who is going to say, "The sun is a star... It shines on you." I say, "Admit it, when someone says 'star', you don't think of the sun; you think of twinkly lights at night").

Second, if a star is twinkling on me, it is twinkling on everyone else as well.

Finally, stars can only be seen at night - when I am asleep - so I don't feel like the star of happiness is doing me much good.

In other news, I am a happy person. Star or not.

Airport Stories

2010-08-25T22:02:00.000-06:00

A Lack of Trust
Some time ago I was going through security at the airport and I noticed a man wearing a belt and suspenders, which I found interesting for 2 reasons:

That has to be a pain going through security. I do everything I can to minimize any hassles when being herded though security - slip-on shoes; put my keys and wallet in my bag; etc. I can't imagine having to take off suspenders and a belt.
I have never seen that before. I have heard the saying "A belt-and-suspenders-solution", but I have never actually seen someone wear a belt and suspenders.

This made me think about the phrase "A belt-and-suspenders-solution". Normally this refers to doing more than is necessary to get a job done. But is that really what it should mean? I say no; after seeing it in practice, I have to say that I think belt-and-suspenders people have trust issues. They don't trust the belt to hold their pants up and they don't trust their suspenders to not give them a wedgie. Talk about issues.

Examples of the true belt-and-suspenders solution:

Washing your hands for 30 seconds with soap and immediately applying hand sanitizer - just in case the soap was actually bacterial hand-soap.
Having spies to spy on your spies.
Having a retina and fingerprint scanner protecting anything (this is also a sign that you have too much money).

You see a lack of style, I see a lack of trust.

POWER!
How does the saying go? "Power corrupts; And a need for power makes people act like fools"?

Okay, that's not it... but maybe it should be.

The power I speak of is electricity to run personal electronics. Check this out:

That is a picture of a woman sitting in the middle of a corridor at the Baltimore Airport. And the picture doesn't even do justice to how much she was in the middle of the walkway (I hardly felt comfortable with the chance of her seeing me take the picture it I got closer). Why is she sitting there? Because for some reason the airport has an outlet in the middle of the floor and her iPhone needed to be charged.

I have been in her shoes before: a dead battery and no outlet. It is often hard to find an outlet at an airport - these buildings were built before all of our mobile devices required constant charging. 15 years ago there wasn't all that much that you took with you to the airport that needed an outlet. I know I've sat in strange places to charge a computer or iPhone, but right in the middle of everything... that is pushing it.

However, the bigger issue is what it says about the value we place on our electronics. My guess is there is not much that people - this woman included - would sit on the filthy ground for in the middle of a busy airport for. Most people's pride wouldn't let them do it. But apparently when it comes to staying connected, pride goes out the window. I have even seen people sit in the bathroom to just for access to an outlet. But then again, maybe it is not so crazy. After all, for centuries people have not been able to live if they have to spend a few hours without an iPhone, right?

Dear Credit Card Companies,

2010-08-12T12:55:00.002-06:00

Dear American Express,

I appreciate your recent letter informing me that I have the chance to win $1,000,000.00. Trust me, I would LOVE to win. However, I can't help but feel like this is a scam to force a magazine subscription upon me. Which brings me to the point of this letter: I am already an American Express cardholder, why must you inundate me with junk mail?

Credit card companies grace my mailbox with junk mail far more than any other industry. I get more offers from credit card companies than I can shake a stick at, but it is a bit disheartening to be getting such offers from you since I already have a card.

I expect these things from Chase or Discover because I don't use their cards, but from you? Too far... too far.

Please reconsider your use of funds and leave your customers alone. If you really have great offers that I may be interested in, you could have a special section on my account management page of your website. Then I can check it at my convenience... and maybe I would actually look at the offers rather than just shred them.

-Kenny

To: Chevron/Texaco Credit Card Division
Attn: Maya Pendleton

Dear Maya,

I received the following in a recent credit card offer:

Maya, I feel it may be too soon for us to be "friends". In fact, I feel like - at this point - we may actually be frienemies at best. On the one hand, you are probably a nice person and just doing your job, but on the other had, you sent me junk mail.

In any case, frankly, I'm puzzled that you're puzzled that I would say "no" to this offer. Really? You are puzzled? Because you gave me no compelling reason to say "yes". Consumer debt is a serious problem in America, why would I want another means of accruing such debt. Do I get points? Does a percentage of my purchases go to fund orphanages in a 3rd world country? What is the benefit to getting this card?

Also, why did you start assuming that I would say "no"? Why not start with the assumption that I would at least consider saying "yes"? Wouldn't this be better:

Dear You,

I am grateful that you are considering accepting this fantastic offer. You will not be disappointed.

You have nothing* to lose! Not only are you already pre-qualified, but there is no annual fee and you can use your Chevron and Texaco Credit Card at more than 8,000 participating Chevron and Texaco locations across the U.S.

More importantly, each time you use your Chevron and Texaco Credit Card at select locations**, Chevron and Texaco will donate a percentage*** of the sale to research and development of cleaner, renewable fuel.

Don't delay. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Thanks!
Maya

*- The phrase "nothing to lose" does not include money or credit rating.
**- 14 qualifying locations (6 in North Dakota, 5 in Montana, 2 in Wyoming, and 1 in Northern Alaska)
***- .001% of sale will be donated

In any case, I shreded (what is the past tense of shred? Shrad? Shreded?) your offer. I'm sorry you put me in a position where I felt the need to do that. Also, I will not be accepting any future offers. If the time comes where I feel your service would be of value, I'll contact you.

-Kenny

Get your what on?!?!

2010-08-10T08:01:00.001-06:00

This has been the era of the phrase "Get your (or my) _______ on". We hear it all over:

Get my groove on.
Get your game on.
Get my grub on.
Get your freak on.

It is used nearly as much as "What happens in ______, stays in ______". However, today I was listening to ESPN radio online and I heard one that I never could have imagined. The commercial was an anti-wildfire ad which features a dad with his children packing up from a camping trip. The dad is ready to leave and the kids lecture him about leaving a mostly-put-out fire and concludes with one of the children saying, "You are never too young to get your smokey on".

I know. Really lame right? Not creative at all. But the thing that I am more concerned about than subjecting the world to such unoriginal garbage, is the fact we may have a conspiracy on our hands.

Think about it, what industry could possibly want the youth of the nation to start saying, "you are never too young to get your smokey on?" Hmmmmmm... perhaps the tobacco industry?

Do I really think there is a conspiracy? No, but I do really think that it is a lame line in a lame commercial.

Side Note:
As I was typing this up, I remembered an experience I had a few months ago that makes me less critical of the anti-wildfire people and their lame ad.

Ernie, Tap Tap, T-Money, and I were invited to go to some hot pots in Spanish Fork that none of us had been to before. So after getting the worst directions in the world from our buddy, J-Dub, we embarked to find the hot pots and the people we were meeting.

When we finally got there, the people we were meeting had set up a campsite (we weren't camping, but they were) and a large campfire. Upon our arrival, the group we were meeting wanted to go to the hot pots, which were still another quarter mile down the trail. Ernie, Tap Tap, T-Money, and I looked at the fire, then looked at each other, then looked at the our friends and said, "what about your fire?"

"Oh, it will be fine", they replied.

There are a few things that you should know about Utah. It is a desert, but in the mountains there are a fair number of trees and, therefore, every year we have a number of large wildfires.

Ernie, Tap Tap, T-Money, and I all have done our fair share of camping and know that you don't leave a fire unattended - and quite frankly, it was a surprise to me that anyone would. But apparently there are still people who do, so I understand that the anti-wildfire people still have to try come up with new and creative ways to try to prevent people from being less-than-smart.

In the end, Ernie and I stayed at the fire with one of the people we met and roasted marshmallows and hung out. Which actually was fine with me because those were the nastiest hot pots I have ever seen. I don't even want to know the number of diseases floating around in there.

To see, or not to see...

2010-08-09T08:17:00.000-06:00

I recently saw the movie Inception (which was brilliant!) but it reminded me of things that like and don't like about seeing movies:

I like previews. Maybe I am the only one, but I like to see the upcoming movies.

I don't like the commercials before the previews. I hate the pre-preview commercials. Which leads me to...

I don't like that I have to be 45 minutes early to a movie.

I like the huge screen and the premium sound system.

I don't like the price. When I saw Inception, it cost $8.75. Goodnight that is a lot of money. And if you want a drink, that is another $5.00. That is enough to remind me why I don't go to many movies.

I don't like trying to find parking.

I don't like people trying to discreetly text message. It doesn't work. That screen is very bright in a dark theatre. No matter how you try to hide it.

Never the less, I highly recommend Inception. It is a movie that makes you think.

A movie that I am not so sure about is the upcoming movie Devil. At first I was intrigued by it and thought that it may be a good horror movie/thriller. Then the words I have come to fear. "An M. Night Shyamalan Film". With no further ado, I present this little gem I found online: (based on actual ratings from rottentomatoes.com)

Castor... C-A-S-T-O-R, but it is still bad advice.

2010-08-06T08:49:00.000-06:00

My buddy's wife, M.BSB, posted the following on Facebook recently:

Please get this baby out of me.

(If you didn't guess, she is pregnant.) Anyhow, I didn't think much of it and continued to scroll through the page of updates when I noticed a comment on her post.

try castor oil!!!!

In my mind I saw this:

Thinking to myself that the comment was a joke, I smirked and thought, "what does she want her to do with that?" However, the next person's comment was even more detailed:

Try castor oil!!! Take a 20 oz bottle of juice drink about a 3rd of it. Then pour the castor oil in thil the bottle is full again. Shake it and then chug it down. Within about 3-4 hrs youll start to burn up and feel sick, that means its working. You will throw up and you will explode from the back end but it starts the contractions. Trust me.... It works.

Whoa... whoa.

Now I am thinking to myself, "holy cow, this is messed up on all sorts of levels. Ingesting motor oil? That can't be good for the baby. She can't be serious."

So I began to type in google, "Castor oi" and google auto-populates "castor oil to induce labor". Now I am thinking to myself, "goodnight, people are sick! this is going too far!" However, after visiting this page, I realized I had confused castor oil and castrol oil. Apparently castor oil is a laxative. You must think that I felt dumb, eh? eh?

Well, if you do, you are wrong. Dead wrong. I still think it is dumb. Just like ingesting motor oil. Listen, whenever some says, "youll start to burn up and feel sick, that means its working. You will throw up and you will explode from the back end but...", I have to question the quality of their advice. I have to. (I don't make the rules).

I guess the logic must be "having a baby is a miserable experience (so I have heard), why not do anything you can to make it worse"?

This reminds me of when I was getting over a really bad bout of the flu and a woman suggested that I go running at the gym because "when you run it is like giving your body a fever and it gets better really fast". Ummm... yeah... thanks.

I also knew a person who would pour milk on his shins and hit his legs with a bat to make his bones stronger.

I would say those tips go right up there with bleeding dishes and putting leeches on one's self.

Quote, Picture, and Spontaneous Human Combustion

2010-07-13T15:27:00.003-06:00

Quote:
The other day I was talking to a buddy who is looking to buy a new house. I asked him what he was looking for and he said:

I spend like $100 a month on storage, so if I could find a nice garage with a decent house, I'd be happy.

Picture:
I really like Utah, but here is one thing that I could do without:

For those of you who don't know this, "pop" is really "soda". I don't know how people can stand calling it "pop". The word pop describes a sudden feeling or sound. Examples:

I felt a pop in my shoulder.

I heard a loud pop and it startled me.

Not:

I'm thirsty; wanna go down to the 7-11 and get a pop?

Spontaneous Human Combustion: The other day I was at the grocery store and saw a guy walking out wearing a Lakers shirt and Celtics pants. Does he realize what he is doing? That is like George W. Bush and Al Gore going on vacation together. Or Ja Rule and 50 Cent co-hosting a BBQ.

Does he not realize that they just played each other in the finals 2 of the last 3 years? Or that their are 2 of the greatest rivals in history?

Not to mention, it looked ugly.

But the graph looks pretty, right?

2010-07-12T13:14:00.000-06:00

Back in March received my Quarterly Skymiles Statement (also known as Junk Mail), but just as I was about to delete it, I noticed a graph showing how many miles I had earned this year and how many I needed for different medallion levels:

I quickly realized that something was amiss with the graph. It portrayed that I was just over halfway to my silver medallion in both miles and segments, however - if you calculate it - I was really only 10.6% of the way there with miles and 13% of the way there with segments. A little silly, but no big deal. I chalked it up to marketing and psychology - you know, make me think that I am closer than I am so I will fly more - but figured I would hold on to it and share it on the blog some day.

Then June rolled around and I received my latest Quarterly Statement and it contained this graph:

You will notice by the totals at the bottom of the graph that I did a little traveling between March and June - to the tune of over 20,000 miles. But the graph remains unchanged... hmmm.

If the graph were correct, I would now be 92.7% of the way to silver medallion by miles and 33.3% of the way there by segments.

Axis of Evil

2010-07-09T11:59:00.038-06:00

The following comes from a Saturday Night Live sketch where Will Ferrell is impersonating President Bush addressing the country (I believe this comes from Season 27, Episode 13. But if not it is definitely the opening to The Best of Will Ferrell Vol. 2):

(Read in a Texan accent)Good Evening America. I'm very happy to be back in this country after my very successful trip in the pacific rim. I'm heartened to hear that for the most part the people of this country show strong support for my agenda. However, lately there's some who're beginning to criticize this administration... maybe these people don't understand, America is presently at war. Not just the war on terrorism, but we are engaged in a deadly stand-off with an axis of evil. Ya know who I'm talkin 'bout: Iran, Iraq, and one of the Koreas.

But my axis of evil doesn't seem to interest some people out there. Some people just want to talk about the economy and budgets and Enron. I bet mosta ya out there don't even understand Enron... I sure-as-heck don't. It hurts my head to think about it... so from now on Enron will be a part of my axis of evil. I don't want to hear anything else about Enron unless our military has pounded it into submission.

So look out, Enron, you are now a part of the axis of evil.

So is the economy.

I don't like the way this economy is acting. Not very American. It's evil. The economy is now part of my axis of evil.

Also, I don't like Senator Tom Daschle. Ya know why? He's very critical. Ya know where that leaves him? You got it; he's now part of the axis of evil.

So quick recap: That's Iran, Iraq, Enron, the economy, and Daschle, and one of those Koreas. They all form a terrible axis of evil standing in the way of all that we as Americans value.

And don't forget France. The French don't like me saying "axis of evil", so guess what? They're now a part of the very same access of evil they don't like me saying. How do ya like them apples, France? Next time you'll keep yer mouth shut. You mess with Texas, and it's straight to the axis of evil, got it?

Germany, Italy, and Japan, they were the original access of evil. Maybe they thought I would forget, but I didn't. They're back in.

Here's one ya probably didn't expect...

(looks side to side)

Dick. Cheney. Now he's up to something; I don't like it. He's never around. If I'm in the White House, he's not. If I'm on a plane, he's nowhere in sight. He's very sneaky; not to mention scary. I'm puttin' him in the axis of evil... fer now.

Evil Knievel's going in the axis of evil, but that's a no-brainer. But Dr. Evil, NO; he makes me laugh, so he's out.

So you see, America, there's nothing to fear; everything's fine. You go out and buy yer new cars and fly on airplanes and invest in K-Mart. Don't... don't listen to what the economist say. Why? Because they like math and math is very much a part of the axis of evil.

And you know what else is part of the axis of evil? LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!

With that introduction, I give you my current "Axis of Evil" list:

Apple, the computer company - Ah, yes. Some of you may be saying, "but you own an iMac and iPhone... and you love both. How can you put Apple on the axis of evil list?" Simple - I do love my iMac and I did love my iPhone. But in an attempt to alienate part of their user base, Apple released the iOS4 for the iPhone 3G (which I own) along with the iPhone 3Gs and the iPhone 4. That would be great except it renders the daggum thing completely useless! Unless, of course, you like waiting for 5 minutes to check a text message and like having your typing about 6 characters ahead of the phone; if you like that, then it's great.

The other day I was listening to music and responding to a text when a call came in; the phone didn't know what to do... it just froze for 30 seconds. I missed the call and had to give my phone mouth-to-mic resuscitation. But that's ok... it is not like I have a phone to receive calls anyhow. Besides, when I paid $300, I completely expected Apple to release software that would render it no more than paper weight.

Congratulation Apple, you got me to put my guard down. Had this been a Microsoft product, I wouldn't have trusted it. But don't worry, I am now watching you carefully and sceptically.

Some of you may be saying, "but you know you can revert it to the old OS, right?"

Yeah. Thanks. That is hardly the point. If the software doesn't work on the 3G, why did they release it for the 3G? Why not just limit it to the 3Gs and 4. That would have been fine with me. Now I have to find the time to get the old stuff to work.

Also, Apple, when are you going to do something useful with the AppleTV? You are sitting on a potential gold mine. I will blog about what you should do with it at some future date or you can email me.

Next...
Apple, the fruit - I love a good apple. But there is the problem: finding a good one. It is very frustrating. And why do they call the nastiest of them all "Red Delicious". That is pretty messed up. I like Gala, Fuji, and Pink Lady apples. Get rid of the rest.

They should have known there was a problem when people started the phrase "bad apple" in everyday speak; it is a serious problem.

Microsoft - Yeah, I bet you were rejoicing when you saw Apple on the list. Don't get too giddy pal. I've had 4 blue screens of death in a week! This Vista thing is a mess. You are a long standing member of the axis of evil, Microsoft.

My Beloved Utah Jazz - As long as Kosta Koufas is on the roster, you are on the list. Cut your losses now. He's no good. Find away to get Omar Samhan and Earl Barron. Trust me.

Lebron James - Enough said.

An Unnamed Garage Door Repair Company - A couple of weeks ago my garage door opener needed to be fixed. It sounded like the motor had totally seized up and needed to be replaced. It was a cheap, do-it-yourself Genie that had given up the ghost. The way I looked at it, I had 3 options:

Replace the whole thing professionally
Go to Home Depot and buy a similar cheapo and replace just the unit myself
Try to get it fixed

My concern was that if I had someone come to fix it, they would just charge me to tell me it needed to be replaced. So I called a place and this was the conversation:

Me:Hi, I have a Genie garage door opener that sounds like the motor has seized up, do you do repairs?
Girl:Yes, we do repairs.
Me:Great, how much?
Girl:$29.50 for the service call, plus the cost of the repair.
Me:Well, am I going to have to pay the service fee, then you come look at it, order a part and then I have to pay the fee again?
Girl:No, they have all the parts on the truck and can fix it in the same visit.
Me:Even the motor?
Girl:Yes.
Me:Ok, lets schedule a time.

Fast forward to the repair visit:

Repairman:Let's see what we have here...
Me:Alright, here it is.
Sound of the motor doing nothing
Repairman:Sounds like your motor is seized up... nothing I can do about that. We'll need to replace the whole thing. I have a great unit here for $450.

Safe to say, I lost it. He was there for 30 seconds and had the nerve to want to charge $30 to tell me something I already knew! No thank you; this is exactly what I feared when I called a repair place.

So why did I put "Unnamed Garage Door Repair Company" rather than give you their name? I called and complained and Denise was very nice and sent my check back. In the end, they seem like a stand up place, but let this be a lesson to all of us.

Finally...
Math - It must be included on any axis of evil list.

If you want to see that SNL clip, try here.

Names (again...)

2010-07-09T08:44:00.001-06:00

This may or may not be a real conversation that I was a party to:

Ted: Chuck says he is coming.
Bill: Ok... what's Chuck's real name? Charles?
Ted: Yeah, but I call him Chuck.
Bill: Yeah... Chuck is a weird nickname for Charles. What is Ted short for? Theodore? That is a weird nickname too.
Ted You want a weird nickname, Bill being short for William is weird. Even worse is Dick being short for Richard.
Bill: (oozing with sarcasm) Whatever, the whole Dick/Richard thing makes complete sense.
Ted: (Also oozing with sarcasm) HAHA, good point.
Freddy (chiming in for the first time): (voice straining with confusion) That one makes the least sense!

Silence

Ted and Bill burst into laughter

My Opinuendo on the Lebron Decision

2010-07-08T21:25:00.012-06:00

It turns out I was wrong (I think this is the first time), Lebron didn't stay with the Cavs. He took his one hour special and ripped out the heart of a franchise. My take on it is this: If he wanted to win championships, he would have chosen Chicago; If he wanted to be the most loved and respected player, he would have stayed in Cleveland; but apparently he wants some pressure taken off himself, so he has chosen the Miami Heat.

I don't even know if I consider him the best player on his own team anymore, let alone in the league. Ernie and I were talking about it the other day and I said that if I were a team courting one of the free agents this off-season, I would would take Dwayne Wade. He has done it before; he has been to the top. I question James in crunch time; I don't question Wade. But maybe that is why James chose the Heat. It is a place where he is not THE guy. Now he shares that with Wade and, to a lesser degree, Bosh. He even said in his announcement that Wade was letting he (James) and Bosh come to Wade's team. Now when someone that has to take over, it can be Wade. For 42 minutes, Bosh and James can do their thing and in the final 6 Wade can do his.

That is not a luxury that James would have had in Chicago. Even with Derrick Rose, Carlos Boozer, and Joakim Noah, James would have been the most prominent figure on the court night in and night out. It would have been his responsibility to win.

I am still not convinced that Miami makes the most sense for winning - as Lebron claims it does. First of all, the Heat only have ~~5 players currently~~... opps, now 4 and - depending on how much money Bosh, Wade, and James are willing to forfeit - the Heat should be about at the cap. Any way you cut this, they are going to need to find several players to play for the minimum. I am not sure that will cut it because in this league it still takes a team to win.

Furthermore, there are always egos involved - and as much as people don't like to admit it, feelings change and evolve over time. Today the 3 of them may well be happy to share the lime light, but what happens when things start going well and one or two of them is given more of the credit? Chris Bosh has shown he wants more publicity, but on a team with Wade and James, I don't think he will get that. Can he handle it? Can Wade or James handle taking a back seat to the other if needs be?

Or even worse - What if things start to fall apart? How do they handle losing? This seems at least somewhat like the 2003-2004 Lakers and that was a total crash and burn. I am not predicting failure, but I don't know that success is guaranteed.

In the end, this may be the best thing for Lebron - in the words of Bill Simmons - "becoming Mega-Pippen to Wade's Jordan" because I am not sure he has the mental makeup of a Kobe or Jordan or Bird. But regardless, it was the worst way to do it. A 1-hour special? No way. The only way that is appropriate is if he is staying in Cleveland and it is a Cleveland love-fest.

Don't mistake what I am saying, for the past 7 seasons Lebron has done good by Cleveland and has every right to leave, but he should have simply released a statement saying something along the lines of:

After carefully weighing the options I have and considering what is best for me and my family, I have decided to sign with the Miami Heat. I have enjoyed my time hear in Cleveland and this will always be my home, but it is time for my career to take me to South Beach. I love the fans here in Cleveland and I hope that they can support me in this as they will always be dear to my heart.

I think that would have been much more professional that what he has done over the past week. It doesn't seem that he realizes that while this is just a game it has far reaching effects. His presence in a community brings income to that community and at the same time the lack of his presence takes away money from a community. Should that fact make him stay? No, but it should have caused him to handle this in a more dignified manner.

Have you ever heard that when you are mad at someone you should write a letter to them and then let it sit in a drawer for a few days to see if you really want to send it? Maybe Dan Gilbert should have tried that before his response to this news that was posted on the Cavs website. I get it, you are mad. So is everyone else, but the tone is too much like a bitter ex - or in TimpJynx's words, "he sounds like a jilted prom queen". Aside from that, 2 points:

Not a fan of the comic sans font. I feel like any letter written in that font should be signed with a crayon.
To many "quotation marks"... Who is he, Bennett Brauer? (serious, if you take nothing else from this post, watch that clip!)

One final point. It is interesting that just 4-5 years ago everyone was ready to stick a fork in the Eastern Conference permanently because all the free agents flocked to the west, but now they are looking like the more dominant conference. Hmmm...

My Opinuendo on the Lebron Special

2010-07-07T14:59:00.001-06:00

For those of you who may not have heard, Lebron James is announcing which NBA team he will be playing with next year live on ESPN tomorrow at 9pm eastern. Why is this such a big deal? Well, Lebron was the most anticipated player to enter the NBA ever and is widely considered to be the greatest player currently in the NBA. Furthermore, this is the first time he has ever been a free agent. Up until now he has been playing with the Cleveland Cavaliers which is particularly interesting given 2 things:

1) Lebron James is from Cleveland. He grew up in Akron, OH and, almost as though the script was written by Walt Disney himself, the Cavaliers won the right to draft James as the #1 overall pick in 2003.

2) The city of Cleveland is considered to be the most cursed sport city in the USA. If Lebron James - one of their own - leaves for greener pastures, the city of Cleveland may be no more.

Unlike most free agents who visit with different teams and then announce who they will play for, Lebron has made the teams come to him - which I am actually fine with because it becomes less of a spectacle - and he is going to announce his selection in a 1 hour special on ESPN - this is the part I am not fine with.

Why on earth does he need a 1 hour special to announce this? How hard is it?

"I'm staying in Cleveland"

There, I just did it in 4 words. He could do that on twitter.

The only way it is worth it for him to do a 1 hour special is if he uses 5 minutes of it to announce he is going to Chicago - I am convinced that this would be the biggest slap in the face - and the other 55 minutes is used for live coverage of the destruction and riots in Cleveland.

But I am sticking with my original prediction. He is staying in Cleveland. Why? If Lebron stays in Cleveland, he will be the greatest man Cleveland has ever known. If he wins 1 championship there, he will be a demigod. If he wins multiple championships, they will start the church of Lebron. 1 championship in Cleveland, is worth 3 somewhere else.

Furthermore, there is a look that I have never seen in Lebron's eyes. The look of "I would sacrifice my own family to win this game". It is a look you need to be the greatest player of a generation and win multiple championships. Michael Jordan had it. Kobe Bryant has had it. I think I have even seen it in Dwayne Wade's eyes. That is the same look you need to to walk away from 2.25 million people who desperately want you to stay.

Clocks...

2010-07-04T04:44:00.004-06:00

Look carefully at the following images:

Notice anything? How about if I remind you that the Roman Numeral for 4 is "IV" not "IIII". Now do you notice something?

I don't know when, but years ago I noticed that many, many clocks with Roman Numerals get the 4 wrong.

What better way to commemorate the 4th of July then by talking about 4's.

God Bless America!

Panda Express, Pt. 2

2010-07-02T08:21:00.000-06:00

Some of you may be saying to yourself, "What-in-the... There was no 'Panda Express, Pt. 1', how are we at 'Panda Express, Pt. 2'?" And to that I say, that is no reason not to have a part 2. Who says you have to have a part 1 to have a part 2?

Besides, I am counting Personality Cookie as part 1.

Anyhow, after breaking my Panda Express drought a few weeks ago, I remembered that I like "The Panda" and went there again a few days later. My "fortune" this time?

"You Will Inherit a Large Sum of Money"

There it is! There's a real fortune... Literally.

The thing that I like about it (besides the obvious: money) is that it doubles as a good fortune for me and a mis-fortune for someone else.

But enough about that; let's tackle a real issue. Where do they get of calling themselves "Panda Express"? Let me ask you this, if you went to a restaurant named "Orange Chicken Express" and their main dish was fried panda, wouldn't you feel mislead? What if a restaurant named "Burger Express" were to serve fried chicken, how would you feel about that?

I think that I have made my point...

But in all seriousness, good for you...

2010-07-01T02:03:00.000-06:00

I would like to shake the hand and then punch the face of the first person who started the "I am getting married so I better start a facebook group so that I can get everyone's address" trend.

First of all, genius. You found a way to dupe more people into giving you stuff and attention.

However, let me let you in on a little secret... if you don't have their contact info outside of Facebook, you probably aren't that good of friends with them (really? not even a phone number or their email address... really?).

But don't let me rain on your parade, we should all just feel grateful that you have chosen such a personal means of informing us that you are making the biggest decision of your life. I will just keep sifting through the notices of people joining your group so you can send them an announcement of your new found your bliss. Just know, like I said, if you didn't have their contact info outside of facebook before, that announcement and the 30 seconds you talk to them at your reception, will likely be the last contact with them for the next 10 years.

The truly bizarre part of this whole post is that I am complaining about having to put up with worthless information on facebook... 99% of the info on facebook is worthless! I would be much better off reading a realbook, but I digress.

Congrats to all you lucky lovers who I barely know... And by the way, this post in no way, shape, or form implies that I will not create a group like this if when I get married because it is pretty genius.

One last note, the way I see it, every new group created only further dilutes the pool and steals more attention away from things that really matter... like the revolution. You may be saying to yourself, "what revolution?" And to that I say, "don't think that I forgot about the select-a-nugget revolution!" The momentum has really died down and I partially blame the fact that there are like a million groups out there. I am not saying this should stop you from creating new groups, but I want you to go into it with your eyes open and maybe link your group to that of the "select-a-nugget" group... just a thought...

On a completely unrelated note, this week Tuesday felt like Thursday and then Wednesday really felt like Thursday, so now that we are actually going into Thursday, well, I am just not ready for a 3rd Thursday in one week.

If you didn't already know...

2010-06-28T08:15:00.002-06:00

So, the other day I was talking to JT (if you are thinking I am meaning Justin Timberlake, you are probably be wrong, but I won't confirm or deny that) and he mentioned that he had given his wife a compliment that wasn't true. To that I responded:

"Most good compliments tend to not be true" -Kenny

(I may have been feeling a little cynical that day)

Anyhow, in that same vein, it has come to my attention that when someone is complaining about how they look, it is not a great idea to say, "You're decent."

Also, never tell a woman, "You look tired"... I will tell you now, that doesn't end well.

Names

2010-06-25T00:49:00.001-06:00

Earlier today, for my own purposes, I needed to look up some 4 letter names (no, I am not having a child... much to my mother's dismay). So I googled "4 letter names that start with d" and of course a number of websites featuring baby names came up. One of the websites actually had a list comprised only of 4 letter names - turns out you really can find anything on the internet! - so that was the one I chose.

The webpage had two columns - boy names on the left and girl names on the right. I quickly found what I was looking for and was about to close the window when something caught my eye. What is this? Emma under the boy names?!? And Elie and Ella?

Listen people, I know that we have uni-sex names - Blair, Clair, Lindsay/Lindsey, Casey, Erin/Aaron, Jesse/Jessie, etc - but Emma, Elie, and Ella are simply not boy names. And I cannot be persuaded otherwise. That is like having a woman named Richard.

While we are talking about it, why are lists like this always called something like "Possible Baby Names"? I remember when my mother was pregnant with my youngest brother, The Swordsman (how is that for a name?), she went to the library and got a bunch of "baby name" books and I thought to myself, "what is the difference between a baby name and a grown-up name?" Seems like they should just be "name books".

And don't even get me started on the suggestion of the name "Flem". I feel like no one should ever be named after a substance produced by the body... Just my opinion. Sorry Pooh Williams, I have to draw the line somewhere.

The World is Pavlov and We are His Dog...

2010-06-21T23:12:00.001-06:00

This weekend Tap-Tap, Ernie, and I were at Arby's getting a bite to eat. The store wasn't busy - maybe 3 or 4 other people all seated and eating and no one else ordering. I ordered first with out incident and stepped aside to await my food. Ernie was next. As he was in the middle of his order, one of the patrons was leaving Arby's and rung a bell that was post above a sign which reads "Ring if our service was GREAT". Immediately - and as though she had no control over her reaction - the woman taking Ernie's order hollered, "THANK YOU!!!" (but in a tone that was more annoyed than grateful).

Now, I have been to Arby's enough to know that they train their employees to do this - which is fine, but not as a person is in mid-sentence while placing an order. And not shouting right in their face. Poor Ernie was so terrified we had to take him home so he could change his pants.

However, I can't fault the woman - she is a mere pawn in a sick and twisted game which we all fall victim to. In fact, just as I was writing this, my phone vibrated in my pocket notifying me that I had a text message. What did I do? I immediately stopped typing and reached for my phone; not a thought given. Was the message worth the interruption of my train of thought? No, but does that matter? Unfortunately that little device controls me and with every buzz and ring I come running. We have become subject to the dings, bells, and buzzes of the world.

And with that, enjoy this moment of Zen from The Office.

Personality Cookie

2010-06-18T13:23:00.000-06:00

On my way back to work from the bank the other day, I needed to grab something quick for lunch. I was at a stop light and noticed Panda Express and realized it had been a while since I had been there. I got my usual half chow mien/half fried rice with sweet & sour pork and orange chicken.

After getting back to the office and eating my lunch, I turned my attention to the fortune cookie. Now, I don't really like eating fortune cookies, but I like reading the fortune and someone told me it was bad luck to read the fortune before first eating the cookie, so I eat them and then read the fortune. My fortune on this day?

"You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music"

Umm, what?

That is in no way, shape, or form a fortune. And nobody can convince me otherwise. Perhaps if it were to have said "You will develop a deep appreciation of the arts and music", that may have been more acceptable, but even then I don't know. Let me give you an example of a good fortune cookie, "You will be successful in your career"; I received that one some time ago from Panda Express also and have it posted on my monitor at work - it is like a little ray of hope, which is what a fortune cookie should be.

It seems that Panda Express is moving away from the "Fortune Cookie" and delving into the less well know world of "Personality/Trait Cookie". Other good examples:

"You are tall"
"You like vegetables"
"You have dark hair"
"You like american-chinese food"
"You are smart"
"You have a keen ability to sense when people are uncomfortable"
"You tend to be late to parties"
"You use Old Spice® deodorant"

Ah, yes. Nothing more refreshing than a good old personality/trait cookie.

BTW, I would say that I do have a healthy appreciation of the arts and music. Good job personality cookie.

Utah, I have failed you...

2010-06-16T01:52:00.002-06:00

On June 25, 2009, I finished a new version of the Utah Jazz's old logo. I put a new spin on the old logo and used the newer colors.

I then used it on a hat which I posted on my blog. A few people mentioned that I should have sent it to the Jazz as it looked like they were moving towards changing the logo. Well, I didn't and today I deeply regret that decision as the Jazz unveiled their new logo. Which would you rather have? This (the one the Jazz unveiled) -

Or This (mine)!

Even if you like the darker green - which I kind of do - and the gold (which I am not so sure about), I still think the more modern ball is better as well as keeping the accents of the letters blue rather than green. See:

I will say this, I don't think that they would have used my idea even if I would have sent it in - and where would I have sent it? But, I still wish I would have made the attempt. However, in 5-10 years when they redo it again, Greg Miller should give me a call.

Anyhow, let me know what you think. Vote 1 for the official new Jazz logo (the top one); 2 for my first attempt with the light blue (middle); or 3 for my logo with their colors. Put your vote in the comments!

You Think You've Had a Bad Day?!?!

2010-04-13T23:54:00.005-06:00

My buddy's, dog got neutered.

To make matters worse for the poor guy (the dog, not my buddy), the site of surgery got infected.

Talk about adding insult to injury!

Look at How far We've Come!

2010-04-13T08:44:00.004-06:00

Have you ever gone on a hike to see Indian writings on the side of a mountain? They are a huge attraction in southern Utah/Nevada/northern Arizona. I have seen different writings on various family outings. I don't know why, but they have a certain allure. Here is a sample that I found online:

Cool looking, aren't they? They have a unique beauty. It is rare to visit ruins and not have someone in the party ask "What do they mean?" or "Isn't it crazy that those were their (Native American's) way of writing?"

Isn't it interesting that with all our advances in technology, we have reverted back to using symbols to communicate? Perhaps you are saying, "what do you mean?" and to that I say:

:-?

:D

:)

:-@

:(

:|

Individuality

2010-04-12T15:34:00.000-06:00

Something you may not know about me is that I like to read things on the back of cars. Whether it is a license plate frame, a window decal, or a bumper sticker, something just draws me to them in hopes of reading something funny, witty, and/or original. (Oddly enough, I am not drawn to writing done by window marker in the same way.)

Why am I drawn to them despite the fact that I rarely find something funny, witty, and/or original? I don't know. It is ridiculous. In fact, studies have shown that the chances of finding something satisfying posted on the rear of a car is 1-98. Whereas the odds of finding something that I will rant about because it is stupid, ugly, nonsensical, or unoriginal is about 1-7. And that the odds of me being utterly disappointed are about 10-1.

None the less, drawn I am.

Given this information, you can understand why earlier this semester as I walked across the parking lot at UVU, I took a detour at the sight of a window decal that took up the entire rear window of a car. Imagine my disappointment when I read:

"You all laugh at me because I am different...

But I laugh at you, because you're all the same."

Upon reading this I thought to myself, "Yeah, yeah, yeah... you're different, just like everyone else".

Several days later, I happened to walk by the same car again and something just didn't seem right. Then it struck me, "Wait a second! This is an advertisement of this person's individuality and uniqueness yet it features a massive Nike Swoosh?!?!"

"You all laugh at me because I am different...

[Huge Nike Swoosh goes here]

But I laugh at you, because you're all the same."

I'm sorry, Nike may be a lot of things, but as symbol of departing from the mainstream it is not. That is like saying, "I didn't want to be like every other Tom, Dick, and Harry so I went and saw this obscure movie... maybe you have heard of it - 'Avatar'?"

Nike:

The New Symbol of Individuality

Life Lessons Revisited and Things that Make Me Go "Grrrr"

2010-03-24T16:27:00.000-06:00

I was going through some old posts yesterday and last year I posted some valuable life lessons - one of which included "never name any fantasy sports teams 'undefeated'".

I feel that it is important that you know how that actually turned out for me. In the most recent NFL season we had a work fantasy league and I named my team "undefeated". We lost our first week. And like 4 out of the first 6 (prompting the above mentioned post). However, the team rallied and - on the shoulders of Chris Johnson - we went on massive winning streak. We ended up handing the #1 team their only 2 losses of the season and took the championship (sorry 'Cob). I have to say, I am really proud of those guys.

Lesson: Still probably not a good idea to toy with karma.

Also, it has been awhile since I've listed some of the little things that make me angry:

1. People who get on the elevator before letting those of us who have reached our destination exit the elevator. I am aghast that I even have to address this, but I kid you not, I got to the top floor of a building (there was nowhere left for me to go), the doors open, I step towards the exit and a man with a cart full of boxes moves to enter. The man sees me, says, "excuse me", then proceeds to have me move to the other side of the elevator so he can get enter. Once he is on the elevator he notices my look of disbelief and looks at me, motions to the door and says, "go ahead". The only problem is there is literally no opening for me to exit. I had to climb OVER his boxes and cart.

Really man, really? It wouldn't have just been easier for me to exit and then you enter? Really?

2. People who can't navigate a round-a-bout. There are 2 issues here. (1) There is no stop sign when entering. It is a yield; that means, if no one is coming, just go! No need to stop for 10 seconds and look around dumbfoundedly like a 10 year-old who just found a dollar bill and wants to make sure nobody sees he take it. (2) Once you are in the round-a-bout, don't stop to let others in. It really fouls things up.

3. People in the Utah County area need to use horns a little more and be offended by them a little less. Now I am not saying that we should become like huge cities where people have become inoculated to the sound of a horn, but a little tap on the horn is not a bad thing. And it does not mean that I am defiling your name. I am just letting you know that you did something dangerous or there is something you should be aware of.

Once again, big difference between this:

honk or honk honk

and this:

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkk-hhhhhhhooooooonnnnkkkkkkkkk

Happiness

2010-02-27T15:15:00.000-07:00

So, this will be a bit of a deviation from my normal light-hearted posts, but I think it is worth it.

I was reading on MSNBC.com this morning and came across a couple of articles about on the subject of happiness.

The first was "5 Things That Will Make You Happier". None of them were a surprise to me, but I found it interesting that it came out of a study of 51 studies. I really liked this quote: "recent research suggests people actually can take charge of their own happiness and boost it through certain practices."

People do need to TAKE CHARGE of happiness in their lives. Life is not just about things that happen to us, it is about how we react to those things. It is interesting that they state "life situations have a smaller influence on our happiness than we think they do".

In summary, the 5 things are:

1. Be Grateful
2. Be Optimistic
3. Count Your Blessings
4. Use Your Strengths
5. Commit Acts of Kindness

Like I said, no shockers - in fact, it is funny that this study reinforces what the Bible and scriptures have been saying, well, FOREVER.

The next article I found interesting because it was about what States people were happiest in. Honestly, I did not expect Utah to be very high because so many people (in Utah) talk about how people here are unhappy because of the pressures placed on them by the prominent religion (I made that argument many times as a teenager). However, I have since changed my thinking and feel that it is not as bad as I once thought it was. I think a lot of those pressures are more perceived than actual.

Interesting side note, while putting this together, I was talking with CLR and posed the question "where do you think Utah ranked in a study analyzing what states had the happiest people?" He said he didn't think that Utah would be very high (citing a high rate of people treated for depression).

Without further ado, Utah is number two. I guess people who think otherwise are giving into the stigma (Like CLR and me).

Top 5:
Hawaii: 70.2
Utah: 68.3
Montana: 68.3
Minnesota: 67.8
Iowa: 67.6

The final feature was "7 Thoughts that are Bad for You". I don't think they are as much thoughts, per se, as they are states-of-mind or attitudes, but relevant in any case.

7. Cynicism
6. Lack of Meaning
5. Fretting
4. Lack of Self-Control
3. Anxiety
2. Gloom and Doom
1. Stress

Like I said, interesting.

The main take-away I got was the reinforced belief that a person can have a large effect on their own happiness.

My Name is...

2010-02-18T23:03:00.002-07:00

Some of you may remember a post I did back in September about people getting my last name wrong. I followed that up with this post when Google spited me with suggesting my name be spelled differently. Well, Apple never wants to out done by Google and tonight my iPhone stuck to me in a similar but different way.

When your last name is Rawlins, one thing you have to be prepared for is being called "Rawlings". A LOT. Even as an LDS missionary where I was wearing a name tag 100% of the time, it seemed I got Rawlings as much as Rawlins. Well, thanks for keeping the trend alive iPhone.

However, I can't be too hard on people as I recently butchered one of my professor's name. A few weeks ago I had a question about a test, so I stopped by the instructor's office.

(Door is open)
Me: *knock-knock* Mr. Wilberg?
Professor: Wiberg
Me: Excuse me?
Professor: It's Wiberg. There is no "L" in my name.
*Silence*
(I look at his name plate on the door)
Me: Well, I'll be... you're right.
Professor: I know.

AWKWARD....

On another note, I never know what to call my professors... Mr./Mrs. So-and-so? Prof. So-and-so? Dr. So-and-so? Just by their first name?

13 Socks?!?!

2010-02-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerzees socks people,
I recently bought a few packages of socks from Walmart (my friend Ernie doesn't really like Walmart, but the prices are good and - after seeing the other people there - I feel better about everything that is "me") and it just so happens that the best prices were for Jerzee Brand socks.

As everyone is, I was delighted to get home and open my new socks... that excitement quickly faded when I discovered 13 socks in my package of white, low-cut, men’s, size 12 socks. Allegedly, the package contained 6 pairs; now, I may be a High School drop out, but a dummy I'm not. After consulting my calculator, I learned that 6 times 2 is 12. Imagine my dismay!

Some may be pleased to receive an extra sock (although, these are the same people who believe that dryers eat socks, so I don't know that we should give much credit to their opinion). What you don’t understand is I have a long and storied history with matching socks. Legend has it my Grandmother has repeatedly said, "if there are socks in heaven, I'm not going!" I will have you know that my Grandmother is a saintly woman and there better not be any socks in heaven.

Furthermore, do you know what it was like finding clean and matching socks in my house as a young man? Finding water in the Sahara would have been easier. Because of this history, having socks correctly paired is important to me. I recently went 2 years without losing a sock. In fact, if I do laundry and a sock is missing, the lone sock gets burned and buried 6 feet under.

I do not mess around with solo socks.

Do you know how hard it is going to be for me to match 13 socks? Nearly impossible. I stayed up for 2 nights trying to figure it out. Given this predicament I have no choice to send back this sock. I shudder to think that someone may have only gotten 11. Please ensure that this will never happen again; the world is messed up enough as it is.

Sincerely,
Kenny

**While some elements of this tale may be exaggerated, the 13 socks part - true; Grandma part - true

A Tribute to Facebook

2010-01-30T18:17:00.002-07:00

This is my tribute to facebook and its amazing power to aid in the wasting of time. With this I also introduce the "to-don't list".

Definition: A "to-don't list" is a list of things that you don't want to get done (as opposed to a "to-do list" which you do want to get done). For instance, you may need to get a ton of homework done, but rather than doing that you play around on facebook.

Atop my "to-don't list" is always "waste time on facebook".

Six Word Bio

2009-11-18T23:43:00.003-07:00

In English our Professor told us about this thing called a "six word bio" - also known as a "six word memoir" (see this article from the new yorker). Basically, you take six word (absolutely no more than six!) and tell your life story. The two examples my professor gave were:

For sale, baby shoes, never worn (this is supposed to be some sort of masterpiece, but I don't see it.)

Finally met dream girl; already married (I like this one better)

In class we were challenged to come up with our own - not necessarily about ourselves - and since then I have come up with a number of them. However, I have to preface these by saying the happy ones aren't as funny and clever, so these are more satirical, ironic, and therefore a little less happy (even a little negative). And - unless otherwise stated - they aren't about me.

If I had to do one about me today:

Likes sports and women; currently miserable

Perhaps my tombstone will read:

Life long Jazz fan died disappointed

Now for the the non-Kenny ones:

Got rich, met woman, died broke.

Bought all wanted, died in need.

Would've gone faster; stuck in traffic

Identity theft dies, name still unknown.

Ate very healthy, still died young.

Peed on electric fence; shocking experience.

Tried killing time, time killed me.

Said "it wasn't me"; it was.

Didn't stay on path; bear killed.

Lets hear some from you!

The Big Podcast

2009-11-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I joined Mark Welling and Jake Stowell on their weekly podcast about the Utah Jazz. Now, I know that many of my readers are not avid Jazz fans, but who doesn't want to hear more from Kenny!

Listen to the Big Podcast here.

We address:

The play of rookies Eric Maynor and Wes Matthews (Mark's Main Man).
Is it good for NBA players to be so chummy after games.
Why/IF the Jazz are playing better without Deron Williams?
Was the four game Eastern Conference road trip a success?
Should the Jazz start shopping CJ Miles and Kyle Korver?
Is Boozer's reemergence the last two games due to Williams not being on the court?
True/False Jerry Sloan plays rookies?
A look into the future of Jazz prospective coaches once Jerry retires.
Jake, Kenny, and Mark predict how the Jazz will fare this coming week.
Lebron and his attempts to rule and run the NBA.

Signs - UVU Edition

2009-11-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

You wanna know what I like about UVU? They are ahead of the times. They are progressive. You are NOT going to catch them by surprise.

In fact, the day Starbursts are able to grow legs and floating heads, UVU's elevators will be ready.

You wanna know what else I like about UVU? They don't concern themselves with using the ~~write~~ right words in the right places...

Yeah, that's right - "sing up" for the soccer tournament... Or is that supposed to be sign up?

Movies!!

2009-11-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

So you need that little bit to get you from Thursday to Friday? Well, fear not! We will have a YouTube Thurdsay:

This music video is unreal! Honestly, the collaboration that had to take place is ridiculous.

I find this one hilarious... Wow, sometimes the truth is hilarious...

"You just fancy her more than she is objectively attractive... That's what love is!"

Oh Man... Vegetarians...

"It's an ethical thing; I don't think people should be treated like this..."

Not exactly brain surgery...

A dog that can skateboard!

A Moment for True Genius...

2009-11-10T17:42:00.006-07:00

I would have liked to have been there when some genius came up with the idea for the "hunger banquet". I can see it now -

Ted: You know, world hunger is a serious problem... we should really try to do something... any ideas?

Eddie: Well, we could run a food and donation drive. People could donate canned goods or money which we could use to fight hunger.

Ted: whew... I don’t know... that might work. We will call that plan B... any other ideas?

Billy: Well - now I am just spitballing here - but we could host a banquet...

Eddie: What?!? How will that solve the problem of world hunger?

Ted: Shut up Eddie... I like it. Good job Ted; that is just the kind of outside-the-box thinking we need. We'll eat to feed the hungry - makes sense to me.

Wait a second... That's not a Taco!

2009-11-06T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Taco Time,

As you will see, above I've included a picture of the side menu from your drive thru in Provo (pardon the quality - sunny day, iphone... you get it).

I'm concerned about your knowledge and understanding of ameri-mex (American-Mexican) food. Let me draw your attention to the specials on 3 days - Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday:

These are NOT soft tacos; they're burritos! I don't know who you've been talking to, but they are not your friends - in fact, they are you enemies. You are supposed to know the difference between a taco and a burrito - YOU'RE TACO TIME.

It's not that there is anything wrong with tacos... except you have to turn your head funny to eat them. And if it is a hard shell taco it falls apart after one bite - I HATE that... it's that you look silly making such a HUGE mistake.

This almost makes you look as foolish as those people who put a hotmail email address on their business cards... Who does that? No one will take you serious until you fix this.

I am sorry we had talk under such sad circumstances...

Kenny

Myths

2009-11-03T22:42:00.008-07:00

One of the tough things about growing up is finding out that life lies to you... A LOT. How many times did you learn something in school just to have another teacher a few years later tell you that you were lied to? And it is not just school; everyday we live our lives assuming things are true when they aren't.

On October 5th, I posted some of my favorite quotes. The next day I may or may not have had the following gchat conversation and it may or may not have been with an astronaut on the space station.

Astronaut: um i have a concern
the "deepest fear" quote was said by nelson mandela.
not marianne williamson
i love the last Hinckley quote.

me: ah, thank you... and I am pretty sure that it is falsely attributed to nelson mandela

Astronaut: really?
are you sure
?
who's marianne williamson anyway?

me: she is an author... I was under the impression for the longest time that it was mandela also, but they always say in it was in his '94 inauguration speech and it is not
Look: Our deepest fear note
if you go to the bottom of this page you will see a note about it

Astronaut: huh.
weird.

me: I know

Astronaut: well, why should i believe that website any more than all the other ones that say nelson mandela said it?

me: hey, I know... it is a total trap... that is the thing about the internet.
I am just saying, people attribute it to his inauguration speech and it isn't there.

Astronaut: hm.
that's so weird.
why does everyone think that?

me: I don't know... why does everyone think that swallowed gum stays in your intestines for 7 years or that a penny falling from the empire state building will kill a person?

Astronaut: THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE!!!

me: hahaha.... ok
I wish it did come to from mandela... I don't know who this lady is... but as near as I can tell, it didn't come from him...
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Marianne_Williamson
oh snap, check this nugget out from nelsonmandela.org

Astronaut: I just told everyone in the space station the truth.
our worlds are shattered.

me: I am sorry
I hate to do that to people

Astronaut: haha.
that's all right.
i also told them that gum doesn't stay in our intestines for 7 years.
they were a little more hesitant to accept that fact.

me: I asked a dr... but he could have been lying
check out the blog for an addendum
off to lunch... ttyl

Astronaut: bye

Let us examine other myths we take as fact:

We swallow X number of spiders a year - Here is the thing - think about it - even if this were true, how could anyone know? Did someone monitor people sleeping for a year? Wouldn't this vary by region and house? Wouldn't we all wake up with spider bites on our faces several times a year? Need more evidence? Go here

Penny thrown off the Empire State Build will kill a person - Mythbusters tested this and it is false. Wind resistance keeps the penny from falling fast enough.

Gum stays in digestive system for 7 years - Warhammer and I had serious disagreements on this. So much so, I asked my ENT while I was at Stanford with sinus problems what he thought - since he is a doctor - and he agreed with me. If this myth were true, think of the number of people who would be hospitalized each year due to blocked intestines! The funny thing about this one is that my 6th grade science teacher believed this. Need more evidence? Go here

Who's Your Worm Guy?

2009-11-01T17:38:00.002-07:00

Fixed the Volume... enjoy!

Let's talk about Christmas...

2009-10-31T09:00:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, we have just entered into one of the greatest times of the year. We can walk outside and it's not hotter than a devils drawers, College Football, NFL, NBA, Halloween, Thanksgiving, New Years, Skiing, World Series, sledding, new TV shows... the list goes on (not to mention there have been about a million birthdays over the past 8 weeks). And yes, most importantly, there is Christmas. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. It is wonderful.

However, some people - I am sure with good intentions - are unknowingly trying to ruin Christmas. I have seen it a million times and it makes me sick every time. The air gets a little crisp, snow begins to fall in the mountains, you see your breath in the air; the natural temptation is to start planning for Christmas (the mother of all holidays (MOAH)). You want to start listening to Christmas music, setup the Christmas tree, put some lights on the house, wear an ugly sweater, put the reindeer antlers on the dog, and sit on some fat guy's lap.

Friends, this is simply not okay... All of those things are fine - in fact, they are necessary (except that sweater...) - but things must be done in proper order.

How can I be scared on Halloween with Christmas music blaring?

How can I stuff my face on Thanksgiving with Santa decorations staring me in the face reminding me of my expanding waistline?

How can the World Series go on with reindeer eating the outfield?

Furthermore, we cannot put up with retail stores putting out their Christmas merchandise so early... It is corporate America trying to ruin everything!

With that in mind, the "Christmas Rule" is as follows:

The Christmas season shall begin on the forth Friday of each November (except in instances where November 1 falls on a Friday; in which case the Christmas season will begin on the fifth Friday of November).

The Christmas season will be over on January 2nd.

There will be no listening to or playing of Christmas music outside of the above mentioned time period.

There will be no decorating for Christmas outside of the above stated time period.

These rules are effective immediately and have been set forth to protect the specialness of Christmas and the honoring of the other sports, holidays, and activities which make this time of year special

Really, the question is, have you ever had really watered down kool-aid? Gross, right? That is what will happen if we continue to let the Christmas season creep... It will become un-special.

Signs!

2009-10-30T12:40:00.002-06:00

I love signs that have typos, don't make sense, or are just dumb... so I will post them here... I am thinking this will be a Friday event. Lets get to it!

In the men's room in one of the chapels in San Francisco there was a baby changing table with illustrated instructions. The instructions always raised so many questions in my mind. I often wanted to take a picture, but never had a camera. Luckily, in a rest stop in Idaho, I came across the same set of instructions and can now share the questions with you!

1. Why is baby so huge?
2. Why aren't baby's legs attached? Why doesn't baby's have a pelvic region? (I know this is representative of the diaper, but not effective.)
3. Why don't baby's arms move?
4. Why does baby have to lay down his own towel and dispose of the towel?
5. Why doesn't baby dispose of the diaper?
6. What is the strap fastening baby to? (I know it's to the table, but the table is not in the picture.)
7. If baby is not to be left unattended, where are the adults in the instructions?
8. Again, why is baby SO HUGE?!?!

I almost feel bad posting stuff from signs at UVU (key word almost...) But there is a pumpkin icluded when you sign up for this pumpkin carving contest!

Ummm, what is "icludes"?

Move Please

2009-10-26T20:24:00.004-06:00

Early in the month, I thought October was certainly going to be my highest posting month ever... Little did I know that my trip to The Desert, Manti, Lake Powell, long work hours, and school would interfere with that.

Anyhow, I make my return to blogging with a public service blog:

The 7 Worst Types of Left Lane Campers

The law of the land - and common courtesy - demands that "Slower Traffic Keep Right". Whether on a rural highway or a 5 lane super freeway, if there are at least two lanes going one way, the left lane is for passing... not for cruising. These people defy the law and courtesy...

7. Old people- I like old people, really, I do... But here is the thing - have you ever been rolling down the freeway and come upon a car going a shade over 48 mph and as you pass them, you see an elderly person white-knuckling the steering wheel trying to figure out where the horses and buggies have gone? You flash your lights, but their eyesight is shot. You honk, but they just try to adjust their hearing-aid?

We have to step in at some point... but the elderly can be feisty in holding on to those licenses. I tried to take away my parents license when they got old. For their fiftieth birthday's I tried to sneak their license and keys away, but I'll be a monkey's uncle if they can't throw their walkers a solid 50 ft... and man, their scooters are quick!

6. "A law? What is that?"- I am convinced that there is a group of people who do not know that it is even a law for the slow traffic stay right... I can't prove it, but my gut tells me it is so...

Anyhow, this is the person who gets on the freeway, immediately goes to the far left and settles in for a long drive.

5. "But I'll pass 'em eventually"- This genius is going 67.5 mph; a mile in the distance there is a car in the right lane going 67 mph. So what does she do? Well, of course, she gets in the left lane, maintains her speed, and when people start to go crazy due to the hold up, she thinks to herself, "hey, I'll pass them eventually!" That is true, you will pass them... eventually, but the world will end eventually and if I enter the lotto enough times, I will win eventually - that doesn't mean I sit in the left lane holding everyone up until that happens!

Here is a novel idea, until such time that it is completely necessary, stay in the right lane. Furthermore, when you do go to pass, give it a little gas, do the deed and move back over. Just a thought.

4. The Racecar Driver- This is the idiot who doesn't really want to go as fast as everyone else, but doesn't want anyone to pass him (or her) either. He sits in the left lane - slowing traffic and ignoring courtesy flashes - until someone goes to pass on the right. Once this happens, our prideful racecar driver decides to floor it. He slowly regresses back to his inappropriately slow speed and the cycle repeats itself.

Listen Mr Nascar, just go the speed you are comfortable with... in the right lane.

3. The Law-enforcers- Civilians who think that it is their responsibility to enforce the speed limit. The thing that I don't think that they realize is they are actually making the roadways less safe. It is far worse to have people weaving in and out of traffic than it is to have some people speeding mildly. Furthermore, it just incites road-rage... and that isn't good for anyone.

So - to you, Mr. wannabe law enforcer - I say, "Move over please."

2. Total oblivion- For whatever reason, this person has no idea what is going on around them. I have seen them come in all shapes and size. From the lady I saw reading a book, to the one I saw doing make-up, the guy on his phone ranting and raving about who knows what, the person rocking out the radio, or the woman with 42 kids in her Excursion; these are the people for whom driving is barely cracking the list of the top 5 things vying for their attention.

You can give the courtesy flash, but it will do no good... They don't know that there is anyone else on the road. Use extreme caution when passing on the right of this animal - who knows when they are suddenly going swerve across 5 lanes with reckless abandon during rush hour to get off their exit that they just realized they passed.

Listen friend, stop sending that email and giving yourself a manicure, you are going kill someone!

1. The Fuzz... 50... Po-Po... Cops...- Whatever you call them, they are the worst. The police know the law, they should move over. Nothing is worst than a police officer holding up traffic.

Final thought - Lets talk about the flashing of head lights - this is not necessarily meant to be offensive or rude; two quick flashes can simply mean, "Excuse me, I'd like to get by." So don't be afraid to flash and if you are flashed, don't get all bent out of shape, just move over.

With that said, it is the ULTIMATE form of none verbal communication and can lead to serious miscommunication... So be prepared to get the bird.

Google...

2009-10-07T09:55:00.001-06:00

I like Google...

This morning I was looking at my analytics account and noticed that lately my search engine referrals have been getting much better; as I was looking at the terms that refer people to me, I noticed that on Monday someone was referred after googling my name (and I am pretty sure it wasn't me...). WOOT!

I hate Google...

To validate that it really finds my blog when you search "Kenny Rawlins" I had to test. When I googled myself I was pleased to see that many of the references were to me, but I also felt as though Google was trying to stick it to me when I saw this...

If you read this post, you will know why I feel like this is personal...

Other News...

Does anyone know the record for number of times hitting snooze in one morning? I may have broken that record...

While we are on the subject, how about the word "snooze"? What a weird word... Look at it; it even looks weird...

SNOOZE

Quotes (Part 1)

2009-10-05T21:54:00.008-06:00

A couple of quotes that I like...

"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling the tail a leg doesn't make it one."
-Abraham Lincoln

"It takes a pretty thin pancake to only have one side."
-President Keller, CA-SF Mission

"Firm in principle; Flexible in proceedure."
-President Keller, CA-SF Mission

"Use your best judgement."
-President Keller, CA-SF Mission

"It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to everyone, but still unknown to himself."
-Francis Bacon

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am it to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, or fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your are a child of God. Your playing small does't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so other don't feel insecure are around you. We are born to manifest God's glory within us. Its not just in some of us, its in everyone. And, as you let your own light shine, you unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As you are liberated from your own fears, your presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson (See note below)

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts donít drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.
-Gordon B. Hinckley

"The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served."
-Gordon B. Hinckley

"I don't worry too much about the future, and I don't worry very much about the past. The past is gone, and you can't change, you can't correct it. The future, you can anticipate, but you can't necessrily do very much about it. It is the present you have to deal with. Reach out for every good opportunity to do what you ought to do."
- Gordon B Hinckley

** Some may be devastated to know that this quote did not come from one Mr. Nelson Mandela. His own website states this. And this site may be useful also...

Pirates!!!

2009-09-29T17:53:00.002-06:00

Once upon a time I was was a pirate and since it is RCG's 25th birthday and my parent's 26th anniversary, I figured it was time to do a blog about pirates!

Check out this sweet stuff from 868valencia.org (not only are these things hilarious, but they are in headquartered in SF, so that is a triple word score):

Funny Posters

I don't know if 30 is really the new 20, but "Beards are the new black"...

Tell those Liberal cannon control freaks, "Cannons don't sink ships, pirates with cannons sink ships"

In somethings order doesn't matter, but in other things it really really does. Remember "Pillage before plunder, what a blunder. Plunder before pillage, mission fulfillage"

Trinkets

The captions on the website make these little nuggets hilarious!

"Sprinkle a small amount of this substance into the sea. Sometimes they come closer, sometimes they swim away. It's complicated"

"We can't help you with all of your problems. Sleep apnea, nervousness around tall people, transplanted pig intestines, all that stuff is on you. But your sea sickness, we might possibly be able to try and help you with that."

"TESTIMONIAL FROM REAL CUSTOMER: My living situation was really oppressive for a while there. My roommates did this thing where they sort of sucked the fun out of the air and filled it with their weird smells. I would just stay in my bedroom all day and sleep. I used this stuff, and now I'm all good.

"I lived inside of a whale, is the thing. My roommates were like...krill? My bedroom was this recess in the whale's stomach. Alright."

Once again, check this stuff out at 868valencia.org.

(Ok, Ron's B-day and my parents anniversary don't have any thing to do with pirates, but this is this sweet site that I have been meaning to post about and I wanted to give a shout out to mi padres and Ernie... Talk about killing one stone with two birds.)

Bathroom Signs!

2009-09-24T22:53:00.000-06:00

Thanks Bob...
I was in the Provo Cafe Rio the other day and saw this piece of wisdom painted on the men's room wall.

Who is Bob Nilsen and what makes him think he is a tortilla expert? How many hand made tortillas has he even had?

I get it... Cafe Rio wants us to know that they have good tortillas - Heck, I even agree - I even understand them wanting to have that on their wall, but is the advertising any more effective if some guy I don't even know said the tortillas are the best in the world?

For all I know Bob has never even had a tortilla. He probably doesn't even know how to pronounce tortilla. I imagine the first time he tasted a Cafe Rio tortilla he turned to his wifey and said, "Daggum Shirl, these tort-tila things be good. They must be the best in the world..."

Thanks for the insight Bobby.

Please Read the Fine Print

Here is a picture of a very nice restroom in a restaurant here in the valley.

Very nice right? Obviously the last thing they want to do is put one of those tacky "All employees must wash hands before returning to work" signs, but, honestly, is this any better?

No, it is not better. This is tiny, looks like it came out of a fortune cookie, I don't know what the back ground is (burlap???), and I hate the typeface. How are employees even going to see it.

On a side note... how pathetic is it that there have to be signs to tell people to wash there hands?

Rawlins, that R-A-W-L-I-N-S

2009-09-23T08:44:00.004-06:00

When you are at the dinner table and would like a soft, warm, round bread product to put butter on and eat with your meal, what do you do? Of course, you say, "please pass me a roll?" And if you were to spell roll, it would be R-O-L-L. And the word "in" is spelled I-N and we know what happens when you put an "s" on the end of a word.

Furthermore, when meat is uncooked it is what? Raw, that's R-A-W, raw.

We all know these things, yet some how when I say, "Hi, my name is Kenny Rawlins" people write down R-O-L-L-I-N-S, rather than R-A-W-L-I-N-S like it sounds. In what universe does that make sense? When I say "Kenny" they may as well write down "F-R-E-D". That makes about the same amount of sense to me. For the record:

R-A-W-L-I-N-S = Raw-l-ins
R-O-L-L-I-N-S = Roll-ins (as in, "I be rollin' in my 'Benz")

I blame the Collins; they prefer it be pronounced "Call-ins" because I don't think they wanted to be called "Coll-ins" because it would sound like "colons". Well, TDB (too dang bad), that is the phonetics of it and you will now have your name pronounced phonetically.

Oh, and BTW, there is no "g" in Rawlins. There is a distinct difference between "Rawlins" and "Rawlings".

On a more serious note...

2009-09-21T14:56:00.001-06:00

On a serious note, I am not a huge fan of the Dave Matthews Band musically – I do like some songs – however, I thought that Dave Matthews had a great point in this interview with CNN.com:

"CNN: (speaking of politics in America) Everything has gone to such a frenzied pitch.

"Matthews: I think a lot of it has to be on the press. We give the podium to a lot of people who shouldn't have the podium. The message that's delivered the loudest and in the most entertaining way is the one that we're going to put on because that's what we want. We want ratings more than we want to deliver information. That's just where the culture's gotten.

"There's no way that Walter Cronkite, as a young journalist, no way Ed Murrow would be hired to do news today. Not a chance.

"CNN: Because they're too low-key? Because they're not bombastic?

"Matthews: Because they're thoughtful, and they're patient, and they're trying to tell you a truly balanced story. They're trying to impart information. I don't think that's the goal [now] because it's not a good business plan. ...

"Everyone's outraged all the time. Why are you outraged? There's war -- there's always been war, as long as most of us have been alive. There have always been people being abused, there's always been horrible things in the world. Why are we outraged? We should just be quiet and figure it out, and work it out together. ... There's no solution in Washington as long as people are shouting like that."

It drives me crazy when I watch or listen to the news and all I hear are people ranting and raving trying to cause a stir or a panic. It seems like ratings and "breaking" (or - unfortunately - making up) stories are valued more than being insightful, accurate, and trying to help solve problems.

Maybe I am being a bit extreme, but that is what if feels like. It seems like the media and the politicians feel it is better for them if the country is extremely polarized, so they do what the can to make every issue a polarizing issue.

I am tired of feeling like all I hear is the party line from politician and that every media personality is just looking to bolster their ratings at any cost.

I would like to feel like we are all looking for the best solutions to the problems we are facing - no matter where the idea comes from. Meaning, judge an idea based on the merits of the idea, not who the idea came from (or whether a "Dem" or "Rep" is below their name).

The World Almost Never Ends

2009-09-21T09:24:00.002-06:00

I was reading in my stress management textbook:

"Another form of perspective happens when you see your stressful situation as neither the best nor the worst thing that has happened or will happen. This can give you great relief. When people overreact, they treat their stressful problem as the end of the world. It almost never is. You should try to see your stress as not the best, but also not the worst that can happen. In other words, it's manageable."

This is great advice and insight. Especially this little nugget about a problem being the end of the world - "It almost never is."

Wow, they really went out on a limb there, didn't they? Question - How many problems in the history of the world have been "the end of the world." Answer - Zero. So couldn't they have really said, "It never is"?

All they did was leave the door open for people to think that their problem is going to be the one that actually ends the world. How is that for stress relief.

Quite frankly, isn't the thing that makes problems problems the fact that they don't end the world; You have to deal with them?

Never the Worst

2009-09-21T00:09:00.000-06:00

Haha, maybe my job is not so bad.

Thanks GNP.

A Chicken Nugget Revolution!

2009-09-16T16:37:00.008-06:00

On July 6th and 7th, I blogged about my outrage over Wendy’s taking one of the nuggets out of the 5 piece nugget (making it a 4 piece nugget). Since then, every time I have gone to Wendy’s, I say, - strictly out of habit - “...and all have a 5 piece nugget” only to have them say, “we don’t have a 5 piece nugget anymore; will the 4 piece be alright?

Grrr... It happens every time!

Until yesterday that is... I finally remembered - “I will have a 4 piece nugget.” Imagine my surprise when I hear, “sir, we don’t have a 4 piece nugget. Only a 5 and 10 piece.”

Are you kidding me!

Apparently nobody liked the 4 piece idea, so Wendy’s brought back the good ol’ 5 piece. Which would be great if it were at the same great price. But alas, now the cost is $1.19.

The Revolution: Wendy's Select-a-Nugget

I have had enough. It is time for a revolution... A chicken nugget revolution that will change the way we order nuggets forever! I call upon Wendy’s to introduce the “Wendy's Select-a-Nugget”. It is simple:
-Each nugget is $.20
-Each customer orders the right number of nuggets for his or her needs.

If you are a 7 nugget person, you pay $1.40. If I am a 9 nugget guy, I pay $2.80. If some offensive lineman comes in and wants 24 nuggets, he drops $4.80 and his needs are met.

All a person has to say is: “I’ll have a 7 piece Wendy's Select-a-Nugget”. Easy Peazy Lemon Squeezy.

With this they can truly say, “Its waaaay better than fast food; its Wendy’s”.

Join with me in boycotting Wendy’s nuggets until the give us the true value of the Wendy's Select-a-Nugget.

Their OWN Website

Really, based on their current marketing efforts, this is the only logical step (click to see larger image):

I. Their website reads: "At Wendy's, we're unrivaled in our passion for giving people what they want -- and uncompromising in giving people what they deserve."

Well, how better to give people what they want and deserve than by giving people the number of nugget right for them? That's right - Wendy's Select-a-Nugget!

II. Wendy's already preaches the personalization; Shouldn't they take it to the next level? That's right Wendy's Select-a-Nugget!

III. This part is just messed up. Here they are advertising the five piece nugget for $0.99 even though that has not been a option for months. That is almost as cold as asking a guy how is girlfriend is the day after she dumped him just to see him fight back tears. That's harsh... really harsh.

Join the Facebook group!

Valuable Life Lessons

2009-09-15T11:28:00.004-06:00

A couple valuable life lessons:
1) never name any fantasy sports teams "undefeated"... Just don't mess with karma like that.

2) never go bungy jumping in Mexico... They just don't have the regulations.

My Utah Jazz Hat!!!!

2009-09-13T13:48:00.007-06:00

I decided to embark on a little arts and crafts project on Friday. I have always liked the simplicity of the old Utah Jazz logo, but the color palette of the newest logo. A couple of months ago I recreated the old logo with the new colors and a slight variation of the "J"/basketball (to give it a newer feel) and on Friday I printed it out of fabric and sewed it on to a blank cap that I bought:

You can see the current and historic Jazz logos here.

The Kenny Vernacular (Part 2)

2009-08-07T17:07:00.005-06:00

Torques My Grinder - When something "torques my grinder", it makes me angry. Windows Vista torques my grinder... When the Jazz lose my grinder is torqued... Speeding tickets torque my grinder... People who text while they drive, drive in the left lane when they are not passing anyone, and/or drive in my blind spot all torque my grinder...

The Kenny Vernacular (Part 1)

2009-08-03T16:28:00.006-06:00

Part of what makes me me is that I have a distinct way of saying things... Here is (the beginning of) a list of terms, phrases, and acronyms you should know...

M.A.S.S. - Mid-Afternoon Sleepy Syndrome - This is that period of time after lunch when it is all you can do to not fall asleep. In a perfect world, we would have a nap time and call it something exciting like, ummm, I don't know... a Siesta? I know, I am being ridiculous... However, M.A.S.S. must never, ever, ever be confused with A.D.S.S...

A.D.S.S. - All-Day Sleepy Syndrome - This describes those days when from the moment you wake up, before you put on your make-up... wait, wait... no that is another thing... This describes those days when you never quite wake up. Well into the evening you feel like a groggy, zombie.

Hotter than a devil's drawers - Not sure exactly where I picked this little number up but I am fairly sure it is circa 2005. Let's just say that I am very warm when I bust this line.

Sweatin' like schvitz - I have been using this one for years. When it is "hotter than a devil's drawers", chances are I am sweatin' schvitz. (I guess a "schvitz" is either a turkish bath-house, or the yiddish word for "sweat")

The Christmas Effect - This is that feeling that you get when something exciting is going to happen. Maybe you ordered a cool new computer online and you have to wait for it to be shipped to you... Or it is the beginning of October and you can feel the Utah Jazz season just around the corner... that is the Christmas effect.

More to come...

Not so hungry hippos

2009-07-31T13:35:00.007-06:00

Back in 2005, I came across this cartoon about the hungry hungry hippos and thought it was funny. I was into making shirts at the time, so I reproduced the cartoon a bit differently and as a high res image:

However, I had long since forgotten about it. Then today I was talking to The 'Cob (jiggs, yalkin, DJ Jazzy Jake... whatever you want to call him) and he reminded me I had made it... Had to throw it on the blog.

Oat bag... I got my oat bag now...

2009-07-29T17:43:00.003-06:00

Nearly everyday at work I have oatmeal for breakfast. Oatmeal is quick, simple, I can eat it while I work, supposedly it is healthy and I am not a big breakfast fan anyhow. The thing that surprises me is that there are quite a few people who do this.

Well, every time I see us all in there making our oats, I think of Jerry Seinfeld and this little bit:

Tostitos + slow day + "Letters from a Nut" =

2009-07-28T18:29:00.006-06:00

I have been trying to organize and consolidate my 6 external hard drives - it's the nerd in me - and as I have been doing this, I have come across some interesting stuff. Some funny, some lame, some cool, and some I have no idea where it came from.

Well, somewhere in between funny and lame is this little diddy that I found. It's a satirical letter that I wrote one day when work was slow back in 2005 and it answers the age old question, "what do you get when combine a slow day, a bag of tostitos, and a co-worker with the book 'letters from a nut'?"

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Dear Tostitos,

Let me start by saying that I LOVE your chips. Normally, I feel that the word love is not appropriate for this context, but - where I am talking about your tortilla chips - I will make an exception. I particularly enjoy your "Tostitos Scoops". They really are “The Dip Lover’s Chips”!!! In fact, I am eating some right now.

This brings me to the reason for this letter; I was reading the back of the bag and noticed that you have the catch phrase, “Nothing Brings People Together Like Tostitos Brand Tortilla Chips”. That got me thinking, “Is there anything that brings people together like Tostitos?” Even now, I am surrounded by my co-workers sharing my bag of Tostitos, despite the fact that I have what some would call an “odor problem” (my mother says it makes me unique). However, I have one word for you: Funeral.

That’s right - nothing brings people together like Tostitos tortilla chips… except a funeral.

Think about it, no matter what is going on, if someone you know dies, you are going to go to the funeral. Even if you don’t know them that well - which, if you ask me, is a little strange since the person is dead and they won’t know if you were there. Maybe it is the food that keeps people coming back (I ~~love~~ really like funeral potatoes…)

Hey! You should provide a bag of Tostitos Scoop to every funeral! And then you could market the fact that it’s the Tostitos that bring people to funerals – not the dead guy… (umm, if you do use that idea, I would like to be reimbursed for it, cause - lets face it - it's golden)

Well, just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job and you should consider changing you catchphrase to “Nothing Brings People Together Like Tostitos Brand Tortilla Chips – Except a Funeral”.

Sincerely, you biggest fan,

Richard Furr (This is a completely fictitious name and is no way meant to impersonate any Richard, Rich, or Dick Furrs)

P.S. – Why do some of my scoops come flat? It is not like they are broken, just flat... like a normal chip. I die a little inside every time that happens. Maybe you should consider some type of warning on the bag - "WARNING: Scoops may be flat. It's not their fault."

And just for kick n' giggles, here is a fictitious letter from Peter Griffin

Me Fail English!?! That's Unpossible...

2009-07-27T18:54:00.007-06:00

Most people know that my academic career has been... ummm... less than stellar. Well for the last few weeks I have been working with UVU to overcome my past academic shortcomings and get off academic suspension. Well, today, as I was leaving campus, I saw this little gem and thought to myself, "I didn't meet the academic standard here?!?"

Seems to me that it should say either, "Please don't make A trail in the lawn. Thanks" or "Please don't makes trails in the lawn. Thanks"

But hey, I am the one on academic suspension... what do I know?

In any case - I believe this little nugget from Ralphie is applicable

Two quick notes (if you are interested) - First of all - as of today - I am back in school at UVU and intend to do better this time around. Hopefully over the past 6 years I have learned a thing or two about applying myself and meeting deadlines. Also, I really like UVU despite the fact that this my second post about oddities on campus. Like I say, "UVU: Home of the Brave" ;)

uh, what?

2009-07-17T12:00:00.001-06:00

Call me old fashion, but I recall the good ol’ days when parents use to watch out for their children – “don’t eat that…”, “get that outta your ear…”, “don’t run out in the road…”, “get down from there…”, and – of course – “don’t play near the train tracks!”

But now-a-days? People don’t tell their kids “no”, they want others to account for their kids.

That’s right you trains! Slow down… our kids are playing here! No sense in wasting a semi-level, not-so-safe field. Especially when the nearest park is a whole block away!

I don’t know much about trains - but in what I have heard, no one has made special note of their superior braking power… but I am sure they will stop in time.

What is next? “hey raw meat, don’t make my kid sick when he eats you.” Or, “hey ground, don’t hurt my kid when he falls off the roof. And while we are at it, hey roof, don’t let my kid fall off!”

I'm in a New York state of mind

2009-07-16T16:19:00.008-06:00

Here is a recap of some of the things I did on my excursion to New York...

Brooklyn Bridge - Phenomenal. Love the brilliant stonework, design, and elevated walking path.

Grimaldi's - Good pizza - super thin crust... awesome atmosphere and owner... Just don't ask for breadsticks.

Magnolia's - Their little carmel macadamia nut white chocolate cheesecake is great but heavy and rich... Took the whole trip to eat... I am afraid Amy may be right, "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" is going to be very true...

Manhattan Temple - The most amazing building in NYC. The interior is exquisite. And it is so quite even in downtown...

The Frying Pan - Good steak sandwich and good Hot Dog (two trips to learn that). I really like their fries. Fun atmosphere as a Pier/Dock on the Hudson. Not necessarily something to go out of the way for, but if you are in the neighborhood having lunch with a friend...

Highline - Impressive path/garden and creative way to reclaim an old, elevated train track.

WTC Ground Zero - My third trip to this location. In '97, I went to the top of the Twin Towers. In '06, I visited ground zero and it looked like there had not been much progress. But now, in '09, I am glad to see that things are moving along. I am also impressed with the plans for the site - both the Freedom Tower and the memorial.

Mets Game - Great new stadium. We sat in section 128, row 6, seats 13 and 14. Fun atmosphere as long as you aren't a Mets fan. Great seats - can't be scared of foul balls though. Really fun. And great prices for food; can't beat $4.75 for a bag of peanuts! Seriously though, fun game.

Horse Drawn Buggy through Central Park from an... um... eccentric guy - need I say more?

Harry's Burritos - So I had high hopes for this place when I read "San Francisco Mission Style Cal-Mex" on the window. My shrimp tacos were good, but no free chips and salsa?!?! Not San Francisco Mission Style in my book.

Bodies Exhibit - Wow, this was incredible. I thought it was well done, beautiful, and educational. I really enjoyed this.

Lunch and Hanging Out on Pier 17 - fun, but I just realized that I didn't get a fortune cookie with my Chinese food...

The Elevated Acre - Gotta be observant in this city... This is a hidden little park on top of a building.

Staten Island Ferry - Nice view and free.

The Wicked Lottery - I know, all lotteries are wicked, right? But we were trying to get into Wicked... no luck there.

Pomodoro Rosso - Outdoor dining on a nice evening. I had the Linguine Frutti Di Mare... it was really good. Just a few buildings away from Harry's and here they had free bread... :)

Studio B and (non) Disco Skating - Um, aside from the fact that they ran out of skates for "disco skating" and didn't play songs - just beats on a loop - it was great... but then again, with no skates and no disco, what's the point of disco skating?

The City Bakery - Good french toast, nice ambiance and interior design, horrible website.

Reading in Central Park

Dinner at Tavern on the Green - Incredible ambiance right in Central Park. Good food. Good time.

Church in the singles ward - Good.

John Lennon Memorial in Central Park - Just as I remember it in '97. Someone made a cool peace sign made of rose petals.

Thanks go to Michelle for having an intership in the Big Apple...

And the plot thickens...

2009-07-07T23:41:00.004-06:00

Well, just yesterday I posted an open letter to Wendy's concerning my dispair over their discision to market their 4 piece nugget as a great value and favor to us - the customer.

It seems that they either got my message and wanted to stick it to me OR they haven't yet discovered my blog...

In either case, you can imagine my dismay when I saw the following posted on the drive-thru speaker:

"We have repackaged our Nuggets to serve you better.
"4-Piece $.99
"6-Piece $1.39
"We are still offering combo #9 10 pcs. nuggets $4.99"

To serve me better?!? I fail to see how. I see the upside for Wendy's, but not for me.

Ummm... perhaps "We have repackaged our Nuggets to be more profitable" would be more accurate.

Not mad about the price... disturbed by the marketing...

Open Letter to Wendy's

2009-07-06T21:41:00.003-06:00

Dear Wendy's,

I feel we need to talk about your perception of my intelligence. I understand that with the struggling economy you have to adjust your prices. Good things rarely last forever; really it was just a matter of time before your 5-piece nuggets either cost more or became 4-piece nuggets. I get it; that is the world we live in.

However, the other day I saw a commercial that made me sick. You were selling the great "value" of the 4-piece nugget. Ouch. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Did you think that I would exclaim, "Wow, what a great value! They have never offered me such a great deal!" If so, you were wrong… Dead wrong.

I believe in the commercial the dialogue went something like this:

Guy 1: Can Wendy's 4-piece chicken nuggets get any better?
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Correct.
Guy 3: Well, they could be 99¢.
Guy 1: More correct.

At this point I was thoroughly annoyed and thinking to myself, "You know, those nuggets were a lot better when they were 5 for 99¢!"

Quite frankly, if you feel the need to push the nuggets, I would rather have someone with a sympathetic voice slowly walking through a forest - or perhaps a park with some children playing in the background - as he looks at the camera and says, "At Wendy's we know the economy has you down. Its taking its toll on us as well. However, we are still committed to providing you with quality product at a great price. **brief pause** Unfortunately, there won't be as much product..." At which point the man pulls out a 4-piece nugget and continues, "Introducing the new, 4-piece Wendy's chicken nuggets for 99¢. Helping you fight fat, while we fight the recession." Then he gives a cheesy smile and a thumbs-up.

Let's call a spade a spade here. We all know 5 is better than 4. Stop pretending we don't know what is happening here and just give us the nuggets.

I’m sorry we have to speak under such bleek conditions, but I can't let this go unaddressed. I just can’t. There is too much at stake...

Sincerely,
Kenny

P.S. Don't think that I didn't notice when you started skimping on the bacon on the Jr. Bacon Cheese Burger.... Perhaps "junior" is an over-statement now...