Silent Killer

There are a lot of things not to like about the internet (like the fact that it makes things too convenient¹), but wanna know what I love about the internet? It is a place of truth². Sometimes there is so much truth spewing out of the internet that I wonder why it isn't called the truthnet.

However, occasionally - and don't let this shock you - lies will creep onto the internet. Take this ad for instance:

I have heard snoring called a lot of things - in fact, I have called snoring a lot of things - but silent has never been on of them.

(In case you are wondering, no, I am not going to address that hideous mask-like-contraption... too easy)

If you google silent killer you will find references to things like carbon monoxide exposure, high blood pressure, hypertension, diabetes, etc; you will even see this simple definition for silent killer, "Many diseases are silent killers in that they are silent (no symptoms or only vague symptoms), and that they are deadly."

Whoever made this ad is exactly half right³. Snoring is a silent killer (see sleep apnea). Silent? Not so much; according to wikipedia (the ultimate source of truth⁴), "snoring is the vibration of respiratory structures and the resulting sound".  Basically, if you are silent, you aren't snoring.

I will let Toby tell you about the real silent killer:





1 - Special thanks to Amazon Prime and Zappos; shopping has never been easier. I don't know why I ever go to stores anymore... Christmas shopping this year was a breeze.
2 - uh, this should be read with a sarcastic tone...
3 - Literally half correct. 12 characters in the term silent killer - 6 are true, 6 are false.  4 syllables - 2 are true, 2 are false.
4 - See note 2

What I've learned from Jack Bauer

Pretty much everything I need to know in life I have learned from Jack Bauer.

Lesson #1 - Trust No One (Except Jack Bauer)
Lesson #2 - If you are still trusting this list then you clearly didn't learn lesson #1

4 Keys to a Quality Advertisement

Because of Memorial day on Monday, Tuesday felt like Monday and Wednesday felt like Tuesday and today feels like Wednesday, so, needless to say, I have dubbed this Thursday an honorary "Marketing Wednesday"!

I have always said that a good marketing campaign is built on 4 things:

Fear, Innuendo, unqualified legal advice, and an appeal to people's political beliefs.

That is why I feel like Utah Valley Records Management almost hit a homerun with the ads on their trucks.

"'Thanks for the drug money'…. DRUG USERS LOVE DUMPSTER DIVING"

Classic fear mongering technique. Blame the druggies. Tell me this, when was the last time you saw a credit card number on a receipt? At most you see the last 4 digits. Furthermore, I don't know any drug dealers who accept credit cards* and I don't know how how a druggie would get money out of an ATM with only a credit card number. 

I am not saying that identity theft is something that shouldn't be taken serious, but it seems to me that if you should be afraid of anyone getting your credit card number, it is those daggum online shopping addicts. 

Things get even stranger on the side of the truck:

Why would you need to shred "last season's bowling ball" and care that "shredded evidence… is not evidence" unless you killed someone with a bowling ball. I think I am going to have to call "homicidal innuendo" on this one. 

While we are on the subject, nothing like a little unqualified legal advice to generate sells… Are you sure that shredded evidence is not evidence? Seems like if you could put it back together like a puzzle, it could still be used as evidence. 

This also begs the question, how many crimes does this company think the average person is committing?

It is one thing to shred documents in order to protect identity or proprietary information - I do this all the time - but I can honestly say that I have never found a need to shred "evidence". 

Based on the customers they seem to be trying attract, it sounds like Utah Valley Records Management needs to add money laundering and metal melting** services and partner with alibinetwork.com, then they would have a complete line of criminal protection services.  

However, the one thing missing in this ad is an appeal to the political beliefs of their target audience. Now, if history has taught us any one thing, it is that just because a person is a professional basketball player doesn't mean you can count on him to make his free throws***. But if history has taught us any two things, the second is that there is no such things as "off-limits" when it comes to politics. Seriously, as near as I can tell, you can say anything when talking about a political candidate because people don't care about details like "facts" or "truth" when we are merely talking about little things like the leadership of our government. 

Given that this is Utah Valley Records Management, the obvious sell would be to some how blame the need to shred documents on Obama. If they could somehow work that angle into their ad, they would be an unstoppable force****.

Editor's Note: There may have been a slight hint of sarcasm sprinkled throughout this post…

*Technically, I don't know any drug dealers... period. But I don't imagine they take credit cards. 

**To destroy guns and knives, of course

***This statement serves two purposes: first, to commemorate the official retirement of Shaquille O'Neal (The unofficial retirement was in 2007 when he stopped caring). Second, I am not totally over Derrick Rose missing huge free throws in the Eastern Conference Finals and allowing the Heat to move on to the Finals.

****I like using asterisks and having footnotes. Also, this post is not intended to support or slander any political candidate or government official. If you, as the reader, do happen to take this a criticism of the media or the political process as a whole, that is fine.

What Would GQ Do?

Last week I received my latest issue of GQ, which isn't all that exciting except for the fact that I found this little gem:

Above is a blurb which reads as follows:

Just Say No to Rapper Headphones
Props to Dr. Dre, who recently hit upon the only thing a rapper hadn't yet shilled: headphones. Beats by Dre has been a runaway success, and now 50 Cent and Ludacris are hocking headgear. But c'mon, y'all -- this isn't 1998, when dudes rocked Wallabees to be like Wu-Tang. If you're still chasing rapper-endorsed status symbols in 2011, it's time to quit asking yourself, "What would Jay-Z do?" and start asking, "What would I do?" -Will Welch

Clearly, the only way for me to address this is an open letter to Billy himself...

Dear Mr. Will Welch:

RE: "Just Say No to Rapper Headphones"

I do not disagree with your sentiments that people shouldn't just buy something because someone famous endorses it. But do you not find it even the slightest bit absurd or incongruent** for you, an employee of GQ magazine - a magazine whose sole purpose is to tell men what they should and should not buy and wear - are telling people not to be "followers" in what they wear and buy? If people really were to simply ask themselves "What would I do?" in the area of fashion and accessories, wouldn't you be out of a job?

Why not just call a spade a spade and say, "...If you're still chasing rapper-endorsed status symbols in 2011, it's time to re-up on your GQ subscription and quit asking yourself, 'What would Jay-Z do?' and start asking, 'What would GQ tell me to do?'"?

Sincerely,
Kenny

P.S. - GQ, once my free 1-year subscription to your magazine is up, I will not be renewing. I just want to make that clear upfront, so as not to be accused of sending mixed signals later.

** - Did you know that the definition for "incongruent" is "not congruent". Talk about a useless definition. Thanks Merriam-Webster!

You are great just the way you are... sort of.

Yesterday The 'Cob, CL6, and I were at lunch - Thai Thursday. At one point, the conversation turned to dating and I mentioned that I had signed up for online dating, but that it still seemed weird to me. CL6 commented that he thought within 5 years the stigma of online dating would be gone (CL6 is married, so the dating game isn't something that he worries too much about), but The 'Cob said that he thought the stigma was mostly gone already (the stigma*, of course, being that only weirdos with no social skills resort to online dating).

Fast-forward to this morning. As I was walking to my car to go to work, I checked my mailbox and what did my eyes behold?

GQ Magazine. Which is weird because I don't subscribe to GQ, nor do I want to subscribe to GQ, and I definitely don't want to pay for GQ. So I called and asked why I was sent the magazine. The woman told me it was because I signed up for XYZ dating site and it came with a 1-year subscription to GQ. I asked if I was going to be automatically billed at the end of the year and she said no. So I guess I get GQ now.

However, what does this say about online dating? Sounds to me like this dating site is only reinforcing the above stated stigma... "oh, you are signing-up for our site? hmmm, ok, well, we are going to send you this magazine for a year to help you out. You are great the way you are... sort of... just *ahem* read this and take some hints."

*As a side note, I don't really feel like there is a huge stigma about online dating anymore. It seems that it is becoming more normal and most of the girls that I have talked to through dating sites are normal and cool. But I do think it is funny that they send all the guys GQ... I wonder what the girls get. 

Happy Birthday to The 'Cob!

Who does this guy think he is!

In baseball, a triple play is pretty rare and that makes it exciting. That is how a blog should be. People shouldn't water down the excitement of their blog by posting 12 times in a day (although, most blogs are not at all exciting, so they can post all they want). But every now and again it is time for a triple play day.

Rounding out my triple play, I want to bring to your attention one man's hypocrisy. There is a blog out there who's author claims to be something of a marketing expert. I don't know his credentials, if he even has any. But I do know this - he is a fraud! He doesn't even follow his own advice. Just today he posted about the importance of timing in advertising and marketing efforts, yet look at his blog:

Excuse me? You are the one who still has a Santa image in your header. On January 20th!

Furthermore, he lies on facebook. Even worse, he lies on facebook about his blog.

Guess what, there was no post on Monday. Or Tuesday for that matter.

The fact is, he must be stopped. Sure, he is funny, and handsome... and looks good with his not-overly-thick-beard, but he must be held accountable for his actions. So what should we do? Stop reading his blog? No, no... that is too simple. What we must do is tell everyone we know about his blog! I know what you are thinking, "how will that help?" You are just going to have to trust me on this one, it will.

Now you're asking, "but how do I spread the word?" Anything is fine. Email, Facebook, Twitter.

I will even tell you what to say:

Friends and enemies alike - I have recently come across a pretty okay blog written by a smart, funny, hilariously, intelligent guy who I want to teach a lesson to. Help me out by visiting his blog daily. Just go to opinuendo.blogspot.com.

Thanks, ______________

Together we can all make a difference!

Timing Matters

Perhaps you noticed some Black Friday ads on the Saturday and Sunday following Thanksgiving. And perhaps, like me, you said to yourself, "that is dumb, Black Friday has come and gone. They need to remove these ads quicker."

It was even worse after Christmas. On December 26th, I noticed a lot of TV and radio ads for "the perfect Christmas gift", which was really helpful because I was looking for the perfect Christmas gift... except, Christmas was over. It was funny on the 26th, but it was downright annoying by the 30th. So imagine how I felt when I saw a billboard last week for the Ultimate Christmas radio station. We are halfway through January!

Don't these people know that timing is everything? But, hey, any publicity is good publicity, right? Wrong. Sometimes you actually can be noticed for the wrong thing. (Don't even get me started on that annoying guy who does the State Farm commercials...)

Yesterday (January 19th) I was in my local Wells Fargo and saw a stack of these fliers on the table where you fill out your deposit slip:

 

Why are they leaving fliers out for an offer that is over by 10 days? How hard is it to just throw them in the trash?

Now to the mother-of-all timing fails - I took these pictures at a local gas station on January 5th:

I know... it really is hard to look at. And it hurts no one more than me to have to show such gruesome images. There are some of you saying right now, "my goodness! At the time you took that picture, that ad should've been down for 86 days" and you almost right. It was actually 87 days.

Is the sign down now? I don't know. You think I can stomach fueling there? If they don't even bother to change the ads, imagine the last time the bathroom was cleaned or the hot dogs were changed.

Listen people: Timing matters.

Business Cards

It is Wednesday and we all know what that means... Marketing Wednesday!!! Thus far I have received very little feedback on Marketing Wednesday, which I will take as a good thing. (Because, let's face it, if I took no feedback as a bad thing, the blog would be dead. How is that for a subtle plea for comments?)

Anyhow, my apologies to The Men's Wearhouse, who is taking a hit on my blog, but I was in my local store last week to see about buying a suit and/or sports coat (see previous post); I didn't find anything I liked, but they are going to have a couple of things sent to the store to see if I like them (props to Men's Wearhouse for that).

As I was getting ready to leave, the salesman who had been helping me gave me his card - which I stuck in my jacket pocket and forgot about until today when I wore the jacket again. When I pulled it out to throw it away, I noticed something interesting.

What is an "Assistant Manager II"? How many assistant managers are there? And what is the difference between "Assistant Manager II" and "Assistant Manager I"?

I should interject here that I have long planned* on naming my first son "Kenny, Jr." with hopes of him naming his first son "Kenny, III"**, so if anyone should be predisposed to like roman numerals after stuff, it is me.

However, I don't like this. It looks... Unprofessional. I can't help but feel this was a petty power struggle over a title and what did it turn into? It looks a lot like the end of the credits to a movie:

Bank robber #1...........Bob Roberts***
Bank robber #2...........Eddy "The Hammer" Smith
Pedestrian #1............Tom Jones
Pedestrian #2............Shirley J. Temple

So what do you do if you want to distinguish between two levels of employees? We all know that "Assistant Assistant Manager" won't work, so my vote is for "Assistant Manager I" to be bumped to "Sr. Assistant Manager" and "Assistant Manager II" to transition to "Assistant Manager".

In any case, you can be assured that I will be asking to see "Assistant Manager I" the next time I walk into my local Men's Wearhouse.

*-This plan is completely subject to change depending on my wife's**** feelings on the matter. I may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but I know that I would rather have a happy wife than a son named "Kenny, Jr."

**-I figure I will be rich enough that his wife will go along with it hoping to get a larger chunk of the inheritance.

***-If my last name were "Roberts", I would name my first son "Bob" and my second two sons "Robert"... No matter what. I would get a kick out of seeing people's face when I introduce the family. "This is my oldest son, Bob. And these are my other sons, Robert and Robert, respectively. We like to call Robert (pointing to son #3) here, Bob"

****-Currently taking applications.

A Revolt Against the English Language

I have a love/hate relationship with the English language. I love it because it is the only language I speak and I hate it for almost every other reason. For instance, in the following sentence, the word "right" has four different meanings:

"I have the right to turn right right there, right?"

It could be re-written as:

"I am allowed to turn right exactly there, correct?"

They mean the same thing. It could be an Abbott and Costello routine.

Guy #1: "So I take the next left?"
Guy #2: "Right."
#1: "Wait... I take the next right?"
#2: "No, you take the next left."
#1: "That is exactly what I said. I take the next left."
#2: "Right."
#1: "Now hold on there buster; you said I take the next left!"
#2: "Right."
#1: "Well what is it? Left or Right?"
#2: "Left."
#1: "Well then why on earth do you keep saying, 'right', when I ask if I am turning left?!?!?"
#2: "Because it's right."
#1: "But you said I have to turn left!"
#2: "Exactly! take your next left."
#1: "That is your final answer... Take the next left?"
#2: "Right."
#1: "Why I oughta... If I weren't driving this daggum car, I'd come over there and punch you square in the nose!!!"
#2: "what is your problem? You ask the question, I give the answer: take the next left."
#1: "You are sticking with left this time?"
#2: "Right"

I know what you are thinking to yourself, "Kenny, what about words that sound the same, but aren't spelled the same; how do you feel about those?"

I don't like them one bit.

Just last week a friend and I were chatting on Google Talk. She knew I was working on a huge project at work and trying to get ready for finals at the same time:

Friend: How are things going?
Kenny: Ok... right of passage, right?
Friend: um... rite of passage? right?
Kenny: ewe no how two sea wright thru me

Don't get me wrong... we both had a good chuckle because - lets face it - that was a pretty hilarious response. But still - I hate English.

Now some may say, "Kenny, be reasonable - all languages have there quirks, there isn't any language that would make you totally happy. And, besides, there are a lot of good things about English that you haven't acknowledged." And to that I would respond, "Don't be ridiculous. There is no room for reason in today's world. What kind of a blogger would I be if I didn't make impulsive, snap judgments based on half-truths and then declare them to be law? I'll tell you what kind of a blogger I would be - a bad one. If you want reason, you are in the wrong era. With the internet and media options we have today, we don't have to be reasonable nor listen to reasonable people."

So there you have it. I hate English and you should too.

Pinstripes.

I am in the market for a new suit (my last suit and I had a good run - almost 4 years), but I have been putting off the purchase because of the cost. However, it is time to bite the bullet, so I began looking on Men's Wearhouse's website to see what it is going to run me.

What I would really like to do is get a suit and also a sports coat that goes with the some slacks I already have. As I was looking into this idea, I found this piece of fashion advice on the Men's Wearhouse site (emphasis added):

The pinstripe rule
Pinstripe sport coats or pants? They just don't happen. Look around any reputable clothier, and while you'll see a large selection of patterned sport coats, you won't see pinstriped sport coats as pinstripes are a very conservative pattern made just for suits.

Just so we are clear, pinstripe and sports coats do not go together. Got it? Good.

But wait... what is this:

That is a pinstriped sports coat on the Men's Wearhouse website! Trust me, no one was more surprised and hurt than me. No one.

Apparently, what they really meant when they said:

...you won't see pinstriped sport coats...

was:

...you won't see pinstriped sport coats - unless, of course, you are looking on our website...

I just don't know what to think anymore. Does this mean sports coats with pinstripes are in or out?

What can we as a people learn from this? Well, I think the lesson is clear: Absolutely never use absolutes.

I love the media.

Below is a little movie that WAR and I put together yesterday as a tribute to the over-hyping powers of the media.

Back Story
For those of you who don't live in Utah, on Tuesday, the news began alerting us of a "severe winter storm" that was coming in. If you would have believed the news, you would have thought the world was ending. As it turned out, the world didn't end and it was just like a dozen other storms we see every year.



The number one lesson I learned from all of this: when making a faux-newscast, write a script. It makes it so much easier to get all the barbs in you want. I didn't, but next time I will.

Also, it is like I told WAR, this might be funny, it might be lame, but either way, we didn't have to help cook dinner.

Friends.

I have been asked, "Kenny, where do you get your ideas for your blog/comics?" and the answer is - I don't know; they are the product of random thoughts that come to me as I go throughout life.

I actually have a whole list of potential posts and comics. This means that the catalyst for a post may have happened months before I get around to posting it. In any case, some may think the following comic was modeled after a real life event. Not true. However, I was fortunate enough to be able to use the material in this comic in a real life situation. Tell me that doesn't blow your mind - a real life event that was based on a comic.

The significant thing about the above comic is that the process I went through to make it was completely different than the previous comics. This was 100% drawn on the computer using a tablet (which was recommended by the CAD genius). I like it, but I am still getting used to it and not sure if I am going to buy one for myself yet (currently borrowing one the Bear had lying around).

And, I will have you know, whether in a comic or in life, women do not like being put on a facebook waiting list. Write that down.

Marketing Wednesday: Monsters

Some advice is just too good to pay for. That is why Al Gore invented the internet. And, more importantly, that is why this blog exists. In fact, take a moment and think of all the valuable things that I have taught you - I'll wait.

Done? No? Okay, I'll wait more.

Alright, I am sure you aren't quite done, but I must insist that we move on.

It turns out, I am a marketing genius. I am sure you are thinking to yourself, "Really? This site is just like every other blog out there - not very good and not very well known." Well, that is the image that I worked very hard to achieve to avoid becoming too rich and too famous (although, that plan may have worked too well, so maybe you could forward this URL to your friends and post it on facebook). Nevertheless, it is true: I am a marketing guru - my middle name is, in fact, Marketing** - and I want to pass that guru-ness on to you. To that end, I introduce to you "Marketing Wednesdays: A Mini-series of Marketing Fails". This will run for at least 4 or 5 weeks.

This week: Monsters.

Remember the good ol' days when fancy, computer-animated monsters on advertisements were the ultimate sign of professionalism and prestige? Especially in the dental profession? Yeah, me neither. But apparently Dr. Dan does:

Sorry, Dr. Dan, but telling me about how great you are at pulling monsters' teeth and having a monster's testimonial does not increase the chances of me coming to visit you. In fact, I am now less likely to visit you.

Here is the thing, my dog's vet did a great job removing my dog's kidney stones, but if I were to get kidney stones, I would go to a people doctor. If my monster has a toothache, I will go to Dr. Dan; if I have a toothache, I will go to a people dentist.

Also, I hate when people go by Dr. [first name here]. It feels... wrong.

Finally, props to BSB and his iPhone for sending in the picture of Dr. Dan's ad.

**My middle name may or may not actually be Mark. But who is counting.

Birthdays

So, I recently celebrated my birthday... actually, I didn't really celebrate it - I merely acknowledged it - but my friends and family recognized, which was nice.

However, I received several Birthday emails from corporations. This I am not a fan of. In fact, I don't like it at all.

Dear Corporation(s):
"You" didn't remember my birthday, "you" stored it in a database and had a program that generated an email on a given day. Furthermore, the only reason that "you" did it was to convince me buy your product or service. No thanks; I am now less likely to support you (just like politicians with poorly designed lawn signs). Unless you are sending me more than a crappy email, I don't want it.

Sincerely,
Kenny

This is exactly the junk I am talking about:

This is a foupon (that is word I just created for faux-coupon) that Gold's Gym sent me. This was their "birthday present" to me. Guess what Gold's Gym? I wouldn't have gone to the gym that day anyway. And I wouldn't have felt bad about it.

However, let me tell you of a birthday marketing scheme that worked. When I turned 16 Gillette sent me a Mach-3 razor and shaving cream for my birthday. This was no crappy disposable razor, nor was it a coupon for a razor. It was the real deal. A box that said Happy Birthday and a quality razor. There are few things that will win a 16 year old over like pretending they need to start shaving. I have been a Gillette man ever since. Never bought a Schick in my life.

While we are on the subject, I also have a bone to pick with facebook. (Actually, I have a lot of bones to pick with facebook, but we will stick to one for now). I am not great with remembering peoples names - it is not my strong suit, however, I can remember dates and numbers fairly well. So, up until facebook, I stood out for my ability to remember people's birth dates. Now? Nothing. Everyone assumes facebook reminds me. Quite frankly, I have considered putting a fake birthday on facebook out of spite just to throw people off.

Tell Me Lies... Tell Me Sweet, Little Lies

Lately I have been having a numbness problem in my left hand. I lose feeling in my left pinky and down the left side of my hand on a regular basis. I have had the problem for years - I attribute it to an elbow injury suffered in a game of ping-pong in high school, but that is a story for a different blog post - but lately it has come more often, so I figured I would get it checked.

Turns out it is "moderately-severe" pinched nerve (isn't something either moderate or severe?). Nothing super serious; the doctor is supposed to call me and tell me what he thinks we should do next.

During the process, however, I did have an interesting experience. When I went to have the nerve test done, the nurse took me back to the exam room to prep me for the doctor:

Nurse: Have you ever had a nerve test before?
Me: No.
Nurse: Are you nervous?
Me: No.
Nurse: Okay, good, because it is really not that bad. What the doctor is going to do is hook some sensors to you and then give you little shocks. They don't hurt. It can be a little weird, but it doesn't hurt.
Me: Okay
I knew all of that and really wasn't concerned.
Nurse: Also, there is a needle involved... Are you afraid of needles?
Me: No.
Nurse: Okay, good, because it is just a little, tiny acupuncture needle that doesn't hurt at all... Really it is nothing... Not a big deal.
Me: Okay.
Nurse: I mean really, I have never seen anyone even flinch.
At this point I wanted to say, "Alright! I get it - not a big deal. Check." Especially since I don't mind needles anyway.
Me: Okay

Shortly after that, she left and the doctor came in. Everything was going fine; the shocks were nothing. Then the doctor says, "Okay, now I need to use a needle and this is going to pinch." So she sticks the needle in the my arm and it didn't really hurt, but was more than nothing. The really strange part is that you have to flex and relax your muscles with the needle in. Then the doctor move to the next spot on my arm and the next spot and so on. None were painful, but the nurse definitely understated the role of the needle. Finally, the doctor says, "Now, this is really going to be uncomfortable." Then she shoves the needle in the palm of my hand. That one caused a little flinch - which the doctor said was impressive.

However - while the doctor may have thought I did well - as a man, my pride was a little shaken because the nurse said nobody reacts. I don't like to think of myself as a wuss, but I flinched a little.

As I was walking out the nurse saw me and said, "So, how'd it go?"

Me: Not bad at all. Although, you weren't completely forthright about that whole painless needle thing.
Nurse (chuckling): Yeah, but would you rather I did that or made you worry the whole time?

I don't want to hurt you, therefore, I lie to you... Hmmm. That seems like flawed logic to me. What about the fact that I trust the medical profession even less (I wasn't all that trusting of them in the first place, but this didn't help)? Or the fact that I questioned myself? I know, it seems crazy, but it is true; for a moment I doubted my toughness.

Which brings me to my next point:

*********************************

Spoiler Alert!!

If you still believe in Santa Claus (or the Easter Bunny) just leave now and pretend you never were here.

*********************************

I am waiting...

Ok, are they gone? Good, it is just those of us who have learned that for the better part of our childhoods our parents lied and misled us. And for what?

There are some who say that kids need Santa to make Christmas fun. Really? Don't kids enjoy their birthdays? Don't kids enjoy any time they don't have to go to school and they get presents? Even without the aid of a fictitious character? Would a child really not be excited to for Christmas if they were taught something along the lines of, "Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth and in honor of His gift to all of us, mommy and daddy (and grandma and grandpa, etc) give gifts to you. Some people say that Santa brings the gifts and that is just their way of celebrating."?

Parents want their children to trust them on everything, but they don't always say trustworthy things. And they teach their kids not to take food or candy from strangers, not to let strangers in the house, and not to go around sitting on strangers laps, yet Christmas and Easter are all about breaking those rules.

I don't see the upside here. I would pay money to see a parent trying to get their son or daughter to do something and this conversation to take place:

Parent: Just do it. You will be fine; I promise... don't you trust me?
Young Child (reluctantly): Yeah right. That is what you said about that whole Santa bit... and look how that turned out for me. I can't believe I was so foolish... a grown man going down a chimney... FOOL ME ONCE!

Another Day, Another Fortune Cookie

So, I had Panda Express for lunch today (FYI - they are still not serving Panda and have not yet changed their name; sorry to all of you that are waiting for one of those two things to happen).

My fortune today?

THE STAR OF HAPPINESS IS SHINING ON YOU

I don't even know what that means.

First of all, I have a hard time with a star of anything shining on me. Stars hardly are bright enough (well, I guess they are bright enough - technically - but not close enough) to shine on anyone... I guess they can twinkle on me (And to anyone who is going to say, "The sun is a star... It shines on you." I say, "Admit it, when someone says 'star', you don't think of the sun; you think of twinkly lights at night").

Second, if a star is twinkling on me, it is twinkling on everyone else as well.

Finally, stars can only be seen at night - when I am asleep - so I don't feel like the star of happiness is doing me much good.

In other news, I am a happy person. Star or not.

Dear Credit Card Companies,

Dear American Express,

I appreciate your recent letter informing me that I have the chance to win $1,000,000.00. Trust me, I would LOVE to win. However, I can't help but feel like this is a scam to force a magazine subscription upon me. Which brings me to the point of this letter: I am already an American Express cardholder, why must you inundate me with junk mail?

Credit card companies grace my mailbox with junk mail far more than any other industry. I get more offers from credit card companies than I can shake a stick at, but it is a bit disheartening to be getting such offers from you since I already have a card.

I expect these things from Chase or Discover because I don't use their cards, but from you? Too far... too far.

Please reconsider your use of funds and leave your customers alone. If you really have great offers that I may be interested in, you could have a special section on my account management page of your website. Then I can check it at my convenience... and maybe I would actually look at the offers rather than just shred them.

-Kenny

---

To: Chevron/Texaco Credit Card Division
Attn: Maya Pendleton

Dear Maya,

I received the following in a recent credit card offer:

Maya, I feel it may be too soon for us to be "friends". In fact, I feel like - at this point - we may actually be frienemies at best. On the one hand, you are probably a nice person and just doing your job, but on the other had, you sent me junk mail.

In any case, frankly, I'm puzzled that you're puzzled that I would say "no" to this offer. Really? You are puzzled? Because you gave me no compelling reason to say "yes". Consumer debt is a serious problem in America, why would I want another means of accruing such debt. Do I get points? Does a percentage of my purchases go to fund orphanages in a 3rd world country? What is the benefit to getting this card?

Also, why did you start assuming that I would say "no"? Why not start with the assumption that I would at least consider saying "yes"? Wouldn't this be better:

Dear You,

I am grateful that you are considering accepting this fantastic offer. You will not be disappointed.

You have nothing* to lose! Not only are you already pre-qualified, but there is no annual fee and you can use your Chevron and Texaco Credit Card at more than 8,000 participating Chevron and Texaco locations across the U.S.

More importantly, each time you use your Chevron and Texaco Credit Card at select locations**, Chevron and Texaco will donate a percentage*** of the sale to research and development of cleaner, renewable fuel.

Don't delay. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Thanks!
Maya

*- The phrase "nothing to lose" does not include money or credit rating.
**- 14 qualifying locations (6 in North Dakota, 5 in Montana, 2 in Wyoming, and 1 in Northern Alaska)
***- .001% of sale will be donated

In any case, I shreded (what is the past tense of shred? Shrad? Shreded?) your offer. I'm sorry you put me in a position where I felt the need to do that. Also, I will not be accepting any future offers. If the time comes where I feel your service would be of value, I'll contact you.

-Kenny

Quote, Picture, and Spontaneous Human Combustion

Quote:
The other day I was talking to a buddy who is looking to buy a new house. I asked him what he was looking for and he said:

I spend like $100 a month on storage, so if I could find a nice garage with a decent house, I'd be happy.

Picture:
I really like Utah, but here is one thing that I could do without:

For those of you who don't know this, "pop" is really "soda". I don't know how people can stand calling it "pop". The word pop describes a sudden feeling or sound. Examples:

I felt a pop in my shoulder.

I heard a loud pop and it startled me.

Not:

I'm thirsty; wanna go down to the 7-11 and get a pop?

Spontaneous Human Combustion: The other day I was at the grocery store and saw a guy walking out wearing a Lakers shirt and Celtics pants. Does he realize what he is doing? That is like George W. Bush and Al Gore going on vacation together. Or Ja Rule and 50 Cent co-hosting a BBQ.

Does he not realize that they just played each other in the finals 2 of the last 3 years? Or that their are 2 of the greatest rivals in history?

Not to mention, it looked ugly.

Axis of Evil

The following comes from a Saturday Night Live sketch where Will Ferrell is impersonating President Bush addressing the country (I believe this comes from Season 27, Episode 13. But if not it is definitely the opening to The Best of Will Ferrell Vol. 2):

(Read in a Texan accent) Good Evening America. I'm very happy to be back in this country after my very successful trip in the pacific rim. I'm heartened to hear that for the most part the people of this country show strong support for my agenda. However, lately there's some who're beginning to criticize this administration... maybe these people don't understand, America is presently at war. Not just the war on terrorism, but we are engaged in a deadly stand-off with an axis of evil. Ya know who I'm talkin 'bout: Iran, Iraq, and one of the Koreas.

But my axis of evil doesn't seem to interest some people out there. Some people just want to talk about the economy and budgets and Enron. I bet mosta ya out there don't even understand Enron... I sure-as-heck don't. It hurts my head to think about it... so from now on Enron will be a part of my axis of evil. I don't want to hear anything else about Enron unless our military has pounded it into submission.

So look out, Enron, you are now a part of the axis of evil.

So is the economy.

I don't like the way this economy is acting. Not very American. It's evil. The economy is now part of my axis of evil.

Also, I don't like Senator Tom Daschle. Ya know why? He's very critical. Ya know where that leaves him? You got it; he's now part of the axis of evil.

So quick recap: That's Iran, Iraq, Enron, the economy, and Daschle, and one of those Koreas. They all form a terrible axis of evil standing in the way of all that we as Americans value.

And don't forget France. The French don't like me saying "axis of evil", so guess what? They're now a part of the very same access of evil they don't like me saying. How do ya like them apples, France? Next time you'll keep yer mouth shut. You mess with Texas, and it's straight to the axis of evil, got it?

Germany, Italy, and Japan, they were the original access of evil. Maybe they thought I would forget, but I didn't. They're back in.

Here's one ya probably didn't expect...

(looks side to side)

Dick. Cheney. Now he's up to something; I don't like it. He's never around. If I'm in the White House, he's not. If I'm on a plane, he's nowhere in sight. He's very sneaky; not to mention scary. I'm puttin' him in the axis of evil... fer now.

Evil Knievel's going in the axis of evil, but that's a no-brainer. But Dr. Evil, NO; he makes me laugh, so he's out.

So you see, America, there's nothing to fear; everything's fine. You go out and buy yer new cars and fly on airplanes and invest in K-Mart. Don't... don't listen to what the economist say. Why? Because they like math and math is very much a part of the axis of evil.

And you know what else is part of the axis of evil? LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!

With that introduction, I give you my current "Axis of Evil" list:

Apple, the computer company - Ah, yes. Some of you may be saying, "but you own an iMac and iPhone... and you love both. How can you put Apple on the axis of evil list?" Simple - I do love my iMac and I did love my iPhone. But in an attempt to alienate part of their user base, Apple released the iOS4 for the iPhone 3G (which I own) along with the iPhone 3Gs and the iPhone 4. That would be great except it renders the daggum thing completely useless! Unless, of course, you like waiting for 5 minutes to check a text message and like having your typing about 6 characters ahead of the phone; if you like that, then it's great.

The other day I was listening to music and responding to a text when a call came in; the phone didn't know what to do... it just froze for 30 seconds. I missed the call and had to give my phone mouth-to-mic resuscitation. But that's ok... it is not like I have a phone to receive calls anyhow. Besides, when I paid $300, I completely expected Apple to release software that would render it no more than paper weight.

Congratulation Apple, you got me to put my guard down. Had this been a Microsoft product, I wouldn't have trusted it. But don't worry, I am now watching you carefully and sceptically.

Some of you may be saying, "but you know you can revert it to the old OS, right?"

Yeah. Thanks. That is hardly the point. If the software doesn't work on the 3G, why did they release it for the 3G? Why not just limit it to the 3Gs and 4. That would have been fine with me. Now I have to find the time to get the old stuff to work.

Also, Apple, when are you going to do something useful with the AppleTV? You are sitting on a potential gold mine. I will blog about what you should do with it at some future date or you can email me.

Next...
Apple, the fruit - I love a good apple. But there is the problem: finding a good one. It is very frustrating. And why do they call the nastiest of them all "Red Delicious". That is pretty messed up. I like Gala, Fuji, and Pink Lady apples. Get rid of the rest.

They should have known there was a problem when people started the phrase "bad apple" in everyday speak; it is a serious problem.

Microsoft - Yeah, I bet you were rejoicing when you saw Apple on the list. Don't get too giddy pal. I've had 4 blue screens of death in a week! This Vista thing is a mess. You are a long standing member of the axis of evil, Microsoft.

My Beloved Utah Jazz - As long as Kosta Koufas is on the roster, you are on the list. Cut your losses now. He's no good. Find away to get Omar Samhan and Earl Barron. Trust me.

Lebron James - Enough said.

An Unnamed Garage Door Repair Company - A couple of weeks ago my garage door opener needed to be fixed. It sounded like the motor had totally seized up and needed to be replaced. It was a cheap, do-it-yourself Genie that had given up the ghost. The way I looked at it, I had 3 options:

1. Replace the whole thing professionally
2. Go to Home Depot and buy a similar cheapo and replace just the unit myself
3. Try to get it fixed

My concern was that if I had someone come to fix it, they would just charge me to tell me it needed to be replaced. So I called a place and this was the conversation:

Me:Hi, I have a Genie garage door opener that sounds like the motor has seized up, do you do repairs?
Girl:Yes, we do repairs.
Me:Great, how much?
Girl:$29.50 for the service call, plus the cost of the repair.
Me:Well, am I going to have to pay the service fee, then you come look at it, order a part and then I have to pay the fee again?
Girl:No, they have all the parts on the truck and can fix it in the same visit.
Me:Even the motor?
Girl:Yes.
Me:Ok, lets schedule a time.

Fast forward to the repair visit:

Repairman:Let's see what we have here...
Me:Alright, here it is.
Sound of the motor doing nothing
Repairman:Sounds like your motor is seized up... nothing I can do about that. We'll need to replace the whole thing. I have a great unit here for $450.

Safe to say, I lost it. He was there for 30 seconds and had the nerve to want to charge $30 to tell me something I already knew! No thank you; this is exactly what I feared when I called a repair place.

So why did I put "Unnamed Garage Door Repair Company" rather than give you their name? I called and complained and Denise was very nice and sent my check back. In the end, they seem like a stand up place, but let this be a lesson to all of us.

Finally...
Math - It must be included on any axis of evil list.

If you want to see that SNL clip, try here.

Names (again...)

This may or may not be a real conversation that I was a party to:

Ted: Chuck says he is coming.
Bill: Ok... what's Chuck's real name? Charles?
Ted: Yeah, but I call him Chuck.
Bill: Yeah... Chuck is a weird nickname for Charles. What is Ted short for? Theodore? That is a weird nickname too.
Ted You want a weird nickname, Bill being short for William is weird. Even worse is Dick being short for Richard.
Bill: (oozing with sarcasm) Whatever, the whole Dick/Richard thing makes complete sense.
Ted: (Also oozing with sarcasm) HAHA, good point.
Freddy (chiming in for the first time): (voice straining with confusion) That one makes the least sense!

Silence

Ted and Bill burst into laughter