Your so funny.

Few things make more sense than plastering the back window of a truck (or any vehicle) with a giant, ugly sticker. In fact, the uglier, the better - it's not like people will ever see it.

The only thing that could make said sticker better? A massive grammatical error. 

It should go without saying that I am very impressed by the owner of this truck: 

Your so smart

In my home town, they are resurfacing one of the main thoroughfares and, as I was driving home from a meeting on Wednesday, I saw this lighted road sign:

"Double
Lane
Closure"

"Tell
Sunday
Night"

Now, unless Sunday Night is a person and the construction company wants us all to tell her (or him) about the double lane closure, my guess is we are dealing with a serious devolution of the word "until". Let me demonstrate:

Until   >   'Til   >   Til   >  Tell

Which is annoying, confusing, and reinforces stereotypes about construction workers' intelligence, but may not be the worst lighted road sign I saw this week. It was at least helpful once you figured out what the author was trying to say - something I can not say for this sign:

"Road
Work
Ahead"

"Next
Four
Weeks"

There is nothing technically wrong with that example, but if you didn't see it the day the construction company put it up (and mark your calendars accordingly), there is no way to know when the four weeks of construction will be done. Therefore, the notice is completely useless; when I saw it, I didn't know if the construction was nearly done or had just begun.

However, if the author was trying to be funny and play on the fact that construction projects are rarely done on time, then I award him (or her) props for creativity and subtly mocking the system. But I also take away those same props for forcing me to think too much about it.

Dear Kylee, I am sorry that the public school system failed you...

On November 5th last year, my friend Kylee authored a blog post about how she hates Thanksgiving and attributed most of the hatred to the fact that Christopher Columbus is remember too fondly by history and really wasn't a good guy. However, myself and several other people pointed out that, while Columbus may not have been a great dude, Thanksgiving is not a holiday to celebrate Christopher Columbus (that's what Columbus Day is for); Thanksgiving is about giving thanks (if only we gave our holidays more obvious names, then we wouldn't have these confusions).

Well, once that was pointed out, her blog post became much, much shorter and without mention of Columbus. (This is why I have a love/hate relationship with the internet... anyone* can publish anything and then change later to cover up damning (or embarrassing) evidence).

Well Kylee, today - October 10, 2011 - is Columbus Day; if there is any day to post your beef with Chris Columbus, this is probably it. Or you can wait until Thanksgiving again.

*Case in point - I have a blog.

The 3 Great Lies

My grandfather maintained that there are 3 great lies:

1) "I am from the government and I'm here to help you."

Depending on who is doing the quoting, this is sometimes quoted as "I am from the federal government and I'm here to help you", but grandpa passed away in 1994, so I can't really get a definitive answer as to whether or not he differentiated between the helpfulness of the state and federal governments. However, I like to keep things simple, so I am lumping all government agents into one.

2) "I will love you just as much in the morning."

I am not going to expound on this one as Opinuendo is a family friendly site... moving right along...

3) "The check is in the mail."

Where checks are more and more becoming a thing of the past (and mail for that matter) and payments are becoming instantaneous, I feel that we need a new lie for the 3rd great lie. Here are some possibilities:

"This won't hurt at all"

"I'll be there in five minutes."

"I didn't post that; my account got hacked."

"I'm on my way right now."

"It's not you, it's me."

"My computer crashed and I lost all my work."

"I'll be right with you."

"This is a sure investment."

Feel free to post your ideas for the 3rd great lie in the comments.

Who does this guy think he is!

In baseball, a triple play is pretty rare and that makes it exciting. That is how a blog should be. People shouldn't water down the excitement of their blog by posting 12 times in a day (although, most blogs are not at all exciting, so they can post all they want). But every now and again it is time for a triple play day.

Rounding out my triple play, I want to bring to your attention one man's hypocrisy. There is a blog out there who's author claims to be something of a marketing expert. I don't know his credentials, if he even has any. But I do know this - he is a fraud! He doesn't even follow his own advice. Just today he posted about the importance of timing in advertising and marketing efforts, yet look at his blog:

Excuse me? You are the one who still has a Santa image in your header. On January 20th!

Furthermore, he lies on facebook. Even worse, he lies on facebook about his blog.

Guess what, there was no post on Monday. Or Tuesday for that matter.

The fact is, he must be stopped. Sure, he is funny, and handsome... and looks good with his not-overly-thick-beard, but he must be held accountable for his actions. So what should we do? Stop reading his blog? No, no... that is too simple. What we must do is tell everyone we know about his blog! I know what you are thinking, "how will that help?" You are just going to have to trust me on this one, it will.

Now you're asking, "but how do I spread the word?" Anything is fine. Email, Facebook, Twitter.

I will even tell you what to say:

Friends and enemies alike - I have recently come across a pretty okay blog written by a smart, funny, hilariously, intelligent guy who I want to teach a lesson to. Help me out by visiting his blog daily. Just go to opinuendo.blogspot.com.

Thanks, ______________

Together we can all make a difference!

Update - Triple Post Day!

As you probably don't know - because I didn't tell you - I have been on Blog-cation (a vacation from blogging, to the layperson) for the past 4 weeks. Of course, this has caused an uproar amongst all 4.5 of my readers; especially due to the lack of Marketing Wednesday. Well, fear not my minions! Marketing Wednesday has been moved to Thursday this week and you can expect a post later TODAY. (It's fine to applaud).

Also, to commemorate the start of blogging in 2011, today will be a triple post day (yes, this counts as one of the three posts).

So tell your friends, family, and enemies because we are going for 11 readers in '11!

Opinuendo-ians Unite!

Food.

I was at a family party recently and one of my aunts was telling me how much she liked my blog and asked where I come up with material for it. All I could do was say, "I don't know, it is just a product of thoughts I have throughout the day."

It's not the first time that I have been asked some variation of "what is going on in your brain?" In fact, this summer, the 'Cob and I were both in the break room at work preparing our lunches when I turned to him and asked:

Me: Have you ever thought about making a chicken omelette, but wondered if it was wrong to cook chicken in egg?

Side note: neither of us were cooking chicken or omelettes

'Cob: (busts up laughing) No.
Me: I am just saying, it sounds good, but it also seems a little weird, right?
'Cob: (still laughing) It sounds good, but I never would have thought of that. How do you even think of something like that?

Anyhow, that really has nothing to do with today's comic. Except that it is a story about food. (I am posting two variations of the same comic because I couldn't decide which was less lame.) Click to enlarge.

The Google Playbook

Look what I had the good fortune of finding:

That's right, it's the Google Playbook*. You'll never guess where I found it... you know that pocket in the back of the seats on airplanes? Well, someone left it there.

This book contains all of their secrets to success. Surprisingly, there are only 2 (most of the book is filled with tips to annoy the Chinese government and doodles). Would you be interested in the secrets of Google's success?

1. Don't Be Evil.
2. Change Logo for Holidays and Special Events.

Well, I have long tried to live rule numero uno, so I figured it was time to give number 2 a try. With that, I present to you the "Christmas 2010 Opinuendo Logo/Header Graphic":

As always, artwork done by me.

Merry Christmas!!!

*-The Google Playbook may or may not be a real book, but I probably did not find it in the back of an airplane seat. But maybe I did. 

I don't speak spanish...

I don't speak Spanish.

Most of you know this, but apparently Pandora.com didn't get the memo, because this ad keeps being displayed:

Sorry Xfinity and Pandora, Yo no hablo espanol.

The interesting thing is, it only shows up when I am listening to rap. Coincidence?

Art of the Asterisk

So, before I get to the heart for this blog post, I apparently cannot post to my blog more than 9 times in a month. I thought this was going to be the month, but I was wrong. Maybe December...

Anyhow, I tend to talk a lot on this blog about things I don't like - because those are the easiest to notice in life and make fun of on a blog - but I am not really that negative of a person, so today I bring you something I don't like and something I do like.

I don't like when people misuse asterisks. I was listening to pandora the other day and beheld this ad:

Here we have VW advertising their new Jetta for $15,995. But it is not really $15,995, it is $15,995* - which means there should be fine print saying that if you want the car to come with seats, a steering wheel, and the engine; it is really more like $25,000. We have all gotten used to the system: you see an * and you immediately look to the bottom of the page for the explanation. But, in the above image, there is no explanation. There is nothing. Nowhere on that page can I find out what the asterisk means.

Then today I was reading a great blog post on desertnews.com and was asterisk-ed again. I read:

The seven teams' records before losing to the Jazz: 41-24*

and immediately went to the bottom of the page to find out what that meant, but there was nothing there. Nothing. What does the asterisk mean?!?

Here is what I am thinking:

The first asterisk in the above image is a reference to the second asterisk, but that makes no sense. The asterisk should either reference a note at the end of the article or the end of the section it is in. If he wanted it to be end of the section, it would have been like this:

With all of that said, here are: Kenny's Rules for Asterisks*
1. There always has to be an explanation. Always.
2. The explanation must be at the end of the same section or the bottom of the page.
3. The explanation must be in smaller type and italics.

I do like when people encourage others to visit my blog:

Props to Steve-o.
*I feel like with all of the talk of asterisks, there needs to be something down here. Enjoy the Christmas season which is now in full swing!

The Wednesday I almost forgot.

Some of you may have noticed that I have ads on my blog. Why did I do that? Mostly it was a test and since putting them on there, I have made $0.04. So they will probably becoming down because they are ugly. Anyhow, a few minutes ago I was putting up a blog post* and clicked "preview" to give it a once-over before making it live and I saw the following ad:

When I saw it, I thought to myself, "man, that that is an ugly ad." Especially for a site claiming to be an expert in style. And the name is confusing - I think it is "Style List", but it looks like it is "stylist" spelled wrong. And if it is "Style List", does that mean that it is nothing but lists? And is that the logo? Do they not have a logo? Because it seems un-stylish to not have a logo.

Anyhow, in the midst of that train of thought, I realized I should use that for a Marketing Wednesday. Then it hit me: today is Wednesday and I had totally forgot. So, the above is your marketing tip for today. It teaches us: if you are claiming to be an expert in something, make sure your advertising doesn't undermine that.

Which, by the way, is something that people seemed to really like about last week's Marketing Wednesday. It was a marketing company with bad marketing and the second sign wasn't that great.

Note:
Not that it is in any way relevant to this post, but I just had major déjà vu. It tripped me out.

*The post I was working on will now run tomorrow.

Trouble Buying Mehmet Lately?

For those of you who don't know, I'm an avid Utah Jazz fan.

If you don't follow the Jazz closely, don't worry, they are doing well this year. Which is even more impressive when you consider that one of our key players - Mehmet "Memo" Okur - is out with ruptured Achilles. This afternoon I was wondering when he would be back, so I went to the Salt Lake Tribune's website and searched for "Mehmet Okur".

I discovered that his rehab is coming along well, but there is no timetable for his return. I also discovered that we can buy more "Mehmet Okur" on ebay and Amazon. So that is exciting:

It may be worth looking into, because the Mehmet Okur that we have is costing us almost $10 million/year.

Apparently those dynamic advertisements aren't yet perfect. In any case, hopefully Memo and his money ball will be back on the court soon.

"Memo for 3!!!"

Friends.

I have been asked, "Kenny, where do you get your ideas for your blog/comics?" and the answer is - I don't know; they are the product of random thoughts that come to me as I go throughout life.

I actually have a whole list of potential posts and comics. This means that the catalyst for a post may have happened months before I get around to posting it. In any case, some may think the following comic was modeled after a real life event. Not true. However, I was fortunate enough to be able to use the material in this comic in a real life situation. Tell me that doesn't blow your mind - a real life event that was based on a comic.

The significant thing about the above comic is that the process I went through to make it was completely different than the previous comics. This was 100% drawn on the computer using a tablet (which was recommended by the CAD genius). I like it, but I am still getting used to it and not sure if I am going to buy one for myself yet (currently borrowing one the Bear had lying around).

And, I will have you know, whether in a comic or in life, women do not like being put on a facebook waiting list. Write that down.

Airport Stories

A Lack of Trust
Some time ago I was going through security at the airport and I noticed a man wearing a belt and suspenders, which I found interesting for 2 reasons:

1. That has to be a pain going through security. I do everything I can to minimize any hassles when being herded though security - slip-on shoes; put my keys and wallet in my bag; etc. I can't imagine having to take off suspenders and a belt.
   
2. I have never seen that before. I have heard the saying "A belt-and-suspenders-solution", but I have never actually seen someone wear a belt and suspenders.
   

This made me think about the phrase "A belt-and-suspenders-solution". Normally this refers to doing more than is necessary to get a job done. But is that really what it should mean? I say no; after seeing it in practice, I have to say that I think belt-and-suspenders people have trust issues. They don't trust the belt to hold their pants up and they don't trust their suspenders to not give them a wedgie. Talk about issues.

Examples of the true belt-and-suspenders solution:

• Washing your hands for 30 seconds with soap and immediately applying hand sanitizer - just in case the soap was actually bacterial hand-soap.
  
• Having spies to spy on your spies.
  
• Having a retina and fingerprint scanner protecting anything (this is also a sign that you have too much money).
  

You see a lack of style, I see a lack of trust.

POWER!
How does the saying go? "Power corrupts; And a need for power makes people act like fools"?

Okay, that's not it... but maybe it should be.

The power I speak of is electricity to run personal electronics. Check this out:

That is a picture of a woman sitting in the middle of a corridor at the Baltimore Airport. And the picture doesn't even do justice to how much she was in the middle of the walkway (I hardly felt comfortable with the chance of her seeing me take the picture it I got closer). Why is she sitting there? Because for some reason the airport has an outlet in the middle of the floor and her iPhone needed to be charged.

I have been in her shoes before: a dead battery and no outlet. It is often hard to find an outlet at an airport - these buildings were built before all of our mobile devices required constant charging. 15 years ago there wasn't all that much that you took with you to the airport that needed an outlet. I know I've sat in strange places to charge a computer or iPhone, but right in the middle of everything... that is pushing it.

However, the bigger issue is what it says about the value we place on our electronics. My guess is there is not much that people - this woman included - would sit on the filthy ground for in the middle of a busy airport for. Most people's pride wouldn't let them do it. But apparently when it comes to staying connected, pride goes out the window. I have even seen people sit in the bathroom to just for access to an outlet. But then again, maybe it is not so crazy. After all, for centuries people have not been able to live if they have to spend a few hours without an iPhone, right?

To see, or not to see...

I recently saw the movie Inception (which was brilliant!) but it reminded me of things that like and don't like about seeing movies:

I like previews. Maybe I am the only one, but I like to see the upcoming movies.

I don't like the commercials before the previews. I hate the pre-preview commercials. Which leads me to...

I don't like that I have to be 45 minutes early to a movie.

I like the huge screen and the premium sound system.

I don't like the price. When I saw Inception, it cost $8.75. Goodnight that is a lot of money. And if you want a drink, that is another $5.00. That is enough to remind me why I don't go to many movies.

I don't like trying to find parking.

I don't like people trying to discreetly text message. It doesn't work. That screen is very bright in a dark theatre. No matter how you try to hide it.

Never the less, I highly recommend Inception. It is a movie that makes you think.

A movie that I am not so sure about is the upcoming movie Devil. At first I was intrigued by it and thought that it may be a good horror movie/thriller. Then the words I have come to fear. "An M. Night Shyamalan Film". With no further ado, I present this little gem I found online: (based on actual ratings from rottentomatoes.com)

Castor... C-A-S-T-O-R, but it is still bad advice.

My buddy's wife, M.BSB, posted the following on Facebook recently:

Please get this baby out of me.

(If you didn't guess, she is pregnant.) Anyhow, I didn't think much of it and continued to scroll through the page of updates when I noticed a comment on her post.

try castor oil!!!!

In my mind I saw this:

Thinking to myself that the comment was a joke, I smirked and thought, "what does she want her to do with that?" However, the next person's comment was even more detailed:

Try castor oil!!! Take a 20 oz bottle of juice drink about a 3rd of it. Then pour the castor oil in thil the bottle is full again. Shake it and then chug it down. Within about 3-4 hrs youll start to burn up and feel sick, that means its working. You will throw up and you will explode from the back end but it starts the contractions. Trust me.... It works.

Whoa... whoa.

Now I am thinking to myself, "holy cow, this is messed up on all sorts of levels. Ingesting motor oil? That can't be good for the baby. She can't be serious."

So I began to type in google, "Castor oi" and google auto-populates "castor oil to induce labor". Now I am thinking to myself, "goodnight, people are sick! this is going too far!" However, after visiting this page, I realized I had confused castor oil and castrol oil. Apparently castor oil is a laxative. You must think that I felt dumb, eh? eh?

Well, if you do, you are wrong. Dead wrong. I still think it is dumb. Just like ingesting motor oil. Listen, whenever some says, "youll start to burn up and feel sick, that means its working. You will throw up and you will explode from the back end but...", I have to question the quality of their advice. I have to. (I don't make the rules).

I guess the logic must be "having a baby is a miserable experience (so I have heard), why not do anything you can to make it worse"?

This reminds me of when I was getting over a really bad bout of the flu and a woman suggested that I go running at the gym because "when you run it is like giving your body a fever and it gets better really fast". Ummm... yeah... thanks.

I also knew a person who would pour milk on his shins and hit his legs with a bat to make his bones stronger.

I would say those tips go right up there with bleeding dishes and putting leeches on one's self.

But the graph looks pretty, right?

Back in March received my Quarterly Skymiles Statement (also known as Junk Mail), but just as I was about to delete it, I noticed a graph showing how many miles I had earned this year and how many I needed for different medallion levels:

I quickly realized that something was amiss with the graph. It portrayed that I was just over halfway to my silver medallion in both miles and segments, however - if you calculate it - I was really only 10.6% of the way there with miles and 13% of the way there with segments. A little silly, but no big deal. I chalked it up to marketing and psychology - you know, make me think that I am closer than I am so I will fly more - but figured I would hold on to it and share it on the blog some day.

Then June rolled around and I received my latest Quarterly Statement and it contained this graph:

You will notice by the totals at the bottom of the graph that I did a little traveling between March and June - to the tune of over 20,000 miles. But the graph remains unchanged... hmmm.

If the graph were correct, I would now be 92.7% of the way to silver medallion by miles and 33.3% of the way there by segments.

Names (again...)

This may or may not be a real conversation that I was a party to:

Ted: Chuck says he is coming.
Bill: Ok... what's Chuck's real name? Charles?
Ted: Yeah, but I call him Chuck.
Bill: Yeah... Chuck is a weird nickname for Charles. What is Ted short for? Theodore? That is a weird nickname too.
Ted You want a weird nickname, Bill being short for William is weird. Even worse is Dick being short for Richard.
Bill: (oozing with sarcasm) Whatever, the whole Dick/Richard thing makes complete sense.
Ted: (Also oozing with sarcasm) HAHA, good point.
Freddy (chiming in for the first time): (voice straining with confusion) That one makes the least sense!

Silence

Ted and Bill burst into laughter

Clocks...

Look carefully at the following images:

Notice anything? How about if I remind you that the Roman Numeral for 4 is "IV" not "IIII". Now do you notice something?

I don't know when, but years ago I noticed that many, many clocks with Roman Numerals get the 4 wrong.

What better way to commemorate the 4th of July then by talking about 4's.

God Bless America!

Panda Express, Pt. 2

Some of you may be saying to yourself, "What-in-the... There was no 'Panda Express, Pt. 1', how are we at 'Panda Express, Pt. 2'?" And to that I say, that is no reason not to have a part 2. Who says you have to have a part 1 to have a part 2?

Besides, I am counting Personality Cookie as part 1.

Anyhow, after breaking my Panda Express drought a few weeks ago, I remembered that I like "The Panda" and went there again a few days later. My "fortune" this time?

"You Will Inherit a Large Sum of Money"

There it is! There's a real fortune... Literally.

The thing that I like about it (besides the obvious: money) is that it doubles as a good fortune for me and a mis-fortune for someone else.

But enough about that; let's tackle a real issue. Where do they get of calling themselves "Panda Express"? Let me ask you this, if you went to a restaurant named "Orange Chicken Express" and their main dish was fried panda, wouldn't you feel mislead? What if a restaurant named "Burger Express" were to serve fried chicken, how would you feel about that?

I think that I have made my point...