Silent Killer

There are a lot of things not to like about the internet (like the fact that it makes things too convenient¹), but wanna know what I love about the internet? It is a place of truth². Sometimes there is so much truth spewing out of the internet that I wonder why it isn't called the truthnet.

However, occasionally - and don't let this shock you - lies will creep onto the internet. Take this ad for instance:

I have heard snoring called a lot of things - in fact, I have called snoring a lot of things - but silent has never been on of them.

(In case you are wondering, no, I am not going to address that hideous mask-like-contraption... too easy)

If you google silent killer you will find references to things like carbon monoxide exposure, high blood pressure, hypertension, diabetes, etc; you will even see this simple definition for silent killer, "Many diseases are silent killers in that they are silent (no symptoms or only vague symptoms), and that they are deadly."

Whoever made this ad is exactly half right³. Snoring is a silent killer (see sleep apnea). Silent? Not so much; according to wikipedia (the ultimate source of truth⁴), "snoring is the vibration of respiratory structures and the resulting sound".  Basically, if you are silent, you aren't snoring.

I will let Toby tell you about the real silent killer:





1 - Special thanks to Amazon Prime and Zappos; shopping has never been easier. I don't know why I ever go to stores anymore... Christmas shopping this year was a breeze.
2 - uh, this should be read with a sarcastic tone...
3 - Literally half correct. 12 characters in the term silent killer - 6 are true, 6 are false.  4 syllables - 2 are true, 2 are false.
4 - See note 2

Your so smart

In my home town, they are resurfacing one of the main thoroughfares and, as I was driving home from a meeting on Wednesday, I saw this lighted road sign:

"Double
Lane
Closure"

"Tell
Sunday
Night"

Now, unless Sunday Night is a person and the construction company wants us all to tell her (or him) about the double lane closure, my guess is we are dealing with a serious devolution of the word "until". Let me demonstrate:

Until   >   'Til   >   Til   >  Tell

Which is annoying, confusing, and reinforces stereotypes about construction workers' intelligence, but may not be the worst lighted road sign I saw this week. It was at least helpful once you figured out what the author was trying to say - something I can not say for this sign:

"Road
Work
Ahead"

"Next
Four
Weeks"

There is nothing technically wrong with that example, but if you didn't see it the day the construction company put it up (and mark your calendars accordingly), there is no way to know when the four weeks of construction will be done. Therefore, the notice is completely useless; when I saw it, I didn't know if the construction was nearly done or had just begun.

However, if the author was trying to be funny and play on the fact that construction projects are rarely done on time, then I award him (or her) props for creativity and subtly mocking the system. But I also take away those same props for forcing me to think too much about it.

The Best Marketing Wednesday... on this blog... today.

Last year I introduced a feature on my blog called "Marketing Wednesdays" and there are some people (not to mention any names, but we will call them Esteban and MBSB) who rarely let a week pass with out reminding me that I have not stayed current on my Marketing Wednesdays. This is true. I have not. However, I would like to take a little trip down memory lane to that fateful day and re-examine my promise to the blog-o-sphere.

Wednesday, November 17, 2011
To that end, I introduce to you "Marketing Wednesdays: A Mini-series of Marketing Fails". This will run for at least 4 or 5 weeks.

Including that original post, I had 6 Marketing Wednesdays in a row, thus fulfilling my original commitment. Since then, Marketing Wednesdays have become somewhat intermittent and will continue to be an occasional gem to the world. Now that I have cleared that up, I present my most current gem:

Imagine, if you would, a nearly empty college library. In this particular room there 3 people:

Jessica - An attractive, young, single woman.
Bubba - a large, hygienically-challenged man who likes amateur gator wrestling and wearing clothes that are five years too old and two sizes too small. 
Ted - A nice, young guy who is average in every possible way.

After a few minutes of working up the courage, Ted walks up to Jessica and lays doozie of a pick-up line on her:

"Hi, my name is Ted and when I noticed you from across the room I couldn't help but come and mention that I am the most desirable man in the room."

What is Jessica to take from that? At best, Ted has issued an underwhelming statement of his desirableness; at worst, he has damned himself with faint praise*. Why would Jessica be intrigued by this? The best thing Ted could come up with was that he was better than Bubba?

Last week, on my iPhone, I was reading an article on the Occupy Wall Street movement. Embedded was the following ads:

Seriously? The #1 Fish App? How many fish apps are there? And why is your icon a clock? This reeks of poor marketing. If you can't come up with an icon and all you can say is that your app is the best in a minuscule market, then you don't have much of an app.  Needless to say, I was not impressed enough to look up, or purchase, Tap Fish 2.

* - There are those in the world who feel I use a lot of sayings and cliches in my everyday speak, to them this will be another example of such. "Damned with faint praise" means to condemn not by saying anything bad, but by not having any praise that is substantive. 

Dear Kylee, I am sorry that the public school system failed you...

On November 5th last year, my friend Kylee authored a blog post about how she hates Thanksgiving and attributed most of the hatred to the fact that Christopher Columbus is remember too fondly by history and really wasn't a good guy. However, myself and several other people pointed out that, while Columbus may not have been a great dude, Thanksgiving is not a holiday to celebrate Christopher Columbus (that's what Columbus Day is for); Thanksgiving is about giving thanks (if only we gave our holidays more obvious names, then we wouldn't have these confusions).

Well, once that was pointed out, her blog post became much, much shorter and without mention of Columbus. (This is why I have a love/hate relationship with the internet... anyone* can publish anything and then change later to cover up damning (or embarrassing) evidence).

Well Kylee, today - October 10, 2011 - is Columbus Day; if there is any day to post your beef with Chris Columbus, this is probably it. Or you can wait until Thanksgiving again.

*Case in point - I have a blog.

What I've learned from Jack Bauer

Pretty much everything I need to know in life I have learned from Jack Bauer.

Lesson #1 - Trust No One (Except Jack Bauer)
Lesson #2 - If you are still trusting this list then you clearly didn't learn lesson #1

The 3 Great Lies

My grandfather maintained that there are 3 great lies:

1) "I am from the government and I'm here to help you."

Depending on who is doing the quoting, this is sometimes quoted as "I am from the federal government and I'm here to help you", but grandpa passed away in 1994, so I can't really get a definitive answer as to whether or not he differentiated between the helpfulness of the state and federal governments. However, I like to keep things simple, so I am lumping all government agents into one.

2) "I will love you just as much in the morning."

I am not going to expound on this one as Opinuendo is a family friendly site... moving right along...

3) "The check is in the mail."

Where checks are more and more becoming a thing of the past (and mail for that matter) and payments are becoming instantaneous, I feel that we need a new lie for the 3rd great lie. Here are some possibilities:

"This won't hurt at all"

"I'll be there in five minutes."

"I didn't post that; my account got hacked."

"I'm on my way right now."

"It's not you, it's me."

"My computer crashed and I lost all my work."

"I'll be right with you."

"This is a sure investment."

Feel free to post your ideas for the 3rd great lie in the comments.

4 Keys to a Quality Advertisement

Because of Memorial day on Monday, Tuesday felt like Monday and Wednesday felt like Tuesday and today feels like Wednesday, so, needless to say, I have dubbed this Thursday an honorary "Marketing Wednesday"!

I have always said that a good marketing campaign is built on 4 things:

Fear, Innuendo, unqualified legal advice, and an appeal to people's political beliefs.

That is why I feel like Utah Valley Records Management almost hit a homerun with the ads on their trucks.

"'Thanks for the drug money'…. DRUG USERS LOVE DUMPSTER DIVING"

Classic fear mongering technique. Blame the druggies. Tell me this, when was the last time you saw a credit card number on a receipt? At most you see the last 4 digits. Furthermore, I don't know any drug dealers who accept credit cards* and I don't know how how a druggie would get money out of an ATM with only a credit card number. 

I am not saying that identity theft is something that shouldn't be taken serious, but it seems to me that if you should be afraid of anyone getting your credit card number, it is those daggum online shopping addicts. 

Things get even stranger on the side of the truck:

Why would you need to shred "last season's bowling ball" and care that "shredded evidence… is not evidence" unless you killed someone with a bowling ball. I think I am going to have to call "homicidal innuendo" on this one. 

While we are on the subject, nothing like a little unqualified legal advice to generate sells… Are you sure that shredded evidence is not evidence? Seems like if you could put it back together like a puzzle, it could still be used as evidence. 

This also begs the question, how many crimes does this company think the average person is committing?

It is one thing to shred documents in order to protect identity or proprietary information - I do this all the time - but I can honestly say that I have never found a need to shred "evidence". 

Based on the customers they seem to be trying attract, it sounds like Utah Valley Records Management needs to add money laundering and metal melting** services and partner with alibinetwork.com, then they would have a complete line of criminal protection services.  

However, the one thing missing in this ad is an appeal to the political beliefs of their target audience. Now, if history has taught us any one thing, it is that just because a person is a professional basketball player doesn't mean you can count on him to make his free throws***. But if history has taught us any two things, the second is that there is no such things as "off-limits" when it comes to politics. Seriously, as near as I can tell, you can say anything when talking about a political candidate because people don't care about details like "facts" or "truth" when we are merely talking about little things like the leadership of our government. 

Given that this is Utah Valley Records Management, the obvious sell would be to some how blame the need to shred documents on Obama. If they could somehow work that angle into their ad, they would be an unstoppable force****.

Editor's Note: There may have been a slight hint of sarcasm sprinkled throughout this post…

*Technically, I don't know any drug dealers... period. But I don't imagine they take credit cards. 

**To destroy guns and knives, of course

***This statement serves two purposes: first, to commemorate the official retirement of Shaquille O'Neal (The unofficial retirement was in 2007 when he stopped caring). Second, I am not totally over Derrick Rose missing huge free throws in the Eastern Conference Finals and allowing the Heat to move on to the Finals.

****I like using asterisks and having footnotes. Also, this post is not intended to support or slander any political candidate or government official. If you, as the reader, do happen to take this a criticism of the media or the political process as a whole, that is fine.