Silent Killer

There are a lot of things not to like about the internet (like the fact that it makes things too convenient¹), but wanna know what I love about the internet? It is a place of truth². Sometimes there is so much truth spewing out of the internet that I wonder why it isn't called the truthnet.

However, occasionally - and don't let this shock you - lies will creep onto the internet. Take this ad for instance:

I have heard snoring called a lot of things - in fact, I have called snoring a lot of things - but silent has never been on of them.

(In case you are wondering, no, I am not going to address that hideous mask-like-contraption... too easy)

If you google silent killer you will find references to things like carbon monoxide exposure, high blood pressure, hypertension, diabetes, etc; you will even see this simple definition for silent killer, "Many diseases are silent killers in that they are silent (no symptoms or only vague symptoms), and that they are deadly."

Whoever made this ad is exactly half right³. Snoring is a silent killer (see sleep apnea). Silent? Not so much; according to wikipedia (the ultimate source of truth⁴), "snoring is the vibration of respiratory structures and the resulting sound".  Basically, if you are silent, you aren't snoring.

I will let Toby tell you about the real silent killer:





1 - Special thanks to Amazon Prime and Zappos; shopping has never been easier. I don't know why I ever go to stores anymore... Christmas shopping this year was a breeze.
2 - uh, this should be read with a sarcastic tone...
3 - Literally half correct. 12 characters in the term silent killer - 6 are true, 6 are false.  4 syllables - 2 are true, 2 are false.
4 - See note 2

The Best Marketing Wednesday... on this blog... today.

Last year I introduced a feature on my blog called "Marketing Wednesdays" and there are some people (not to mention any names, but we will call them Esteban and MBSB) who rarely let a week pass with out reminding me that I have not stayed current on my Marketing Wednesdays. This is true. I have not. However, I would like to take a little trip down memory lane to that fateful day and re-examine my promise to the blog-o-sphere.

Wednesday, November 17, 2011
To that end, I introduce to you "Marketing Wednesdays: A Mini-series of Marketing Fails". This will run for at least 4 or 5 weeks.

Including that original post, I had 6 Marketing Wednesdays in a row, thus fulfilling my original commitment. Since then, Marketing Wednesdays have become somewhat intermittent and will continue to be an occasional gem to the world. Now that I have cleared that up, I present my most current gem:

Imagine, if you would, a nearly empty college library. In this particular room there 3 people:

Jessica - An attractive, young, single woman.
Bubba - a large, hygienically-challenged man who likes amateur gator wrestling and wearing clothes that are five years too old and two sizes too small. 
Ted - A nice, young guy who is average in every possible way.

After a few minutes of working up the courage, Ted walks up to Jessica and lays doozie of a pick-up line on her:

"Hi, my name is Ted and when I noticed you from across the room I couldn't help but come and mention that I am the most desirable man in the room."

What is Jessica to take from that? At best, Ted has issued an underwhelming statement of his desirableness; at worst, he has damned himself with faint praise*. Why would Jessica be intrigued by this? The best thing Ted could come up with was that he was better than Bubba?

Last week, on my iPhone, I was reading an article on the Occupy Wall Street movement. Embedded was the following ads:

Seriously? The #1 Fish App? How many fish apps are there? And why is your icon a clock? This reeks of poor marketing. If you can't come up with an icon and all you can say is that your app is the best in a minuscule market, then you don't have much of an app.  Needless to say, I was not impressed enough to look up, or purchase, Tap Fish 2.

* - There are those in the world who feel I use a lot of sayings and cliches in my everyday speak, to them this will be another example of such. "Damned with faint praise" means to condemn not by saying anything bad, but by not having any praise that is substantive. 

4 Keys to a Quality Advertisement

Because of Memorial day on Monday, Tuesday felt like Monday and Wednesday felt like Tuesday and today feels like Wednesday, so, needless to say, I have dubbed this Thursday an honorary "Marketing Wednesday"!

I have always said that a good marketing campaign is built on 4 things:

Fear, Innuendo, unqualified legal advice, and an appeal to people's political beliefs.

That is why I feel like Utah Valley Records Management almost hit a homerun with the ads on their trucks.

"'Thanks for the drug money'…. DRUG USERS LOVE DUMPSTER DIVING"

Classic fear mongering technique. Blame the druggies. Tell me this, when was the last time you saw a credit card number on a receipt? At most you see the last 4 digits. Furthermore, I don't know any drug dealers who accept credit cards* and I don't know how how a druggie would get money out of an ATM with only a credit card number. 

I am not saying that identity theft is something that shouldn't be taken serious, but it seems to me that if you should be afraid of anyone getting your credit card number, it is those daggum online shopping addicts. 

Things get even stranger on the side of the truck:

Why would you need to shred "last season's bowling ball" and care that "shredded evidence… is not evidence" unless you killed someone with a bowling ball. I think I am going to have to call "homicidal innuendo" on this one. 

While we are on the subject, nothing like a little unqualified legal advice to generate sells… Are you sure that shredded evidence is not evidence? Seems like if you could put it back together like a puzzle, it could still be used as evidence. 

This also begs the question, how many crimes does this company think the average person is committing?

It is one thing to shred documents in order to protect identity or proprietary information - I do this all the time - but I can honestly say that I have never found a need to shred "evidence". 

Based on the customers they seem to be trying attract, it sounds like Utah Valley Records Management needs to add money laundering and metal melting** services and partner with alibinetwork.com, then they would have a complete line of criminal protection services.  

However, the one thing missing in this ad is an appeal to the political beliefs of their target audience. Now, if history has taught us any one thing, it is that just because a person is a professional basketball player doesn't mean you can count on him to make his free throws***. But if history has taught us any two things, the second is that there is no such things as "off-limits" when it comes to politics. Seriously, as near as I can tell, you can say anything when talking about a political candidate because people don't care about details like "facts" or "truth" when we are merely talking about little things like the leadership of our government. 

Given that this is Utah Valley Records Management, the obvious sell would be to some how blame the need to shred documents on Obama. If they could somehow work that angle into their ad, they would be an unstoppable force****.

Editor's Note: There may have been a slight hint of sarcasm sprinkled throughout this post…

*Technically, I don't know any drug dealers... period. But I don't imagine they take credit cards. 

**To destroy guns and knives, of course

***This statement serves two purposes: first, to commemorate the official retirement of Shaquille O'Neal (The unofficial retirement was in 2007 when he stopped caring). Second, I am not totally over Derrick Rose missing huge free throws in the Eastern Conference Finals and allowing the Heat to move on to the Finals.

****I like using asterisks and having footnotes. Also, this post is not intended to support or slander any political candidate or government official. If you, as the reader, do happen to take this a criticism of the media or the political process as a whole, that is fine.

Nobody will Notice... Right?

When you're looking for a tattoo artist, do you worry about little things like the ability to spell? Because if I were having something indelibly inked onto my body (which I wouldn't), I would want the person doing the inking to have a steady hand and be able to spell.

Which is why I wouldn't go to this place:

That's right, "Forever Yours Tatto".

And in case you are wondering, you're right, the word tattoo should have two "O"s.

Some of you are probably saying, "but Kenny, it probably had both 'O's and someone stole one." Yeah, you may be right, but if I owned museum called "The History of Homo Sapiens" and somebody removed the letters "apiens" from the company van, I would not let anyone drive around in a van that said:

The History of Homo S

I would either get new letters or remove them all. Which brings me to my rules of advertising on your car:

1. Think long and hard before doing it, because chances are it won't look good. Even if the above example was devoid of spelling errors, it is still an ugly sticker on an old, nasty van. If you can do something that is well designed, looks classy, and is on a nice car, then maybe you can pull it off.

2. Once part of it starts to go, then all of it has to go.

3. Again, probably not a great idea. See rule #1.

You didn't think I would miss a Marketing Wednesday, did you?

I am not a fan of hyperbole (hy·per·bo·le : extravagant exaggeration); especially when they are actually just flat out lies.

Here are 2 examples:

This is an ad on the window of the Relax the Back store. I worry about their understanding of the word "true". When I envision "experiencing true zero gravity", I picture myself floating in the air; not sitting in a chair with gravity holding me in that chair.

Here is an idea, why not just say:

Experience zero gravity

or

Experience the comfort of zero gravity

Besides, zero gravity sounds fun and all - and I would love to go into space - but I don't associate that with a relaxed back.

FYI. There is gravity in space. It just has less force.

Moving on...

I saw this poster in the DMV (btw, I waited until the last possible day to get my license renewed before having to re-take the test; I don't recommend that action for anyone).

Our dear friends in the DMV are trying to encourage people to donate their organs. I support that. I don't support such a loose definition of the word "never". My grandmother is 87 years old and therefore is too old to donate. But I thought you were never too old to donate? I am confused... are people never too old to donate? Or can they donate up to the age of 80? Which is it?

Apparently, you are never too old to donate... unless you are too old to donate.

Actually, I can get behind this definition of "never".

I never cut class in high school.
I've never lied.
I've never been wrong.
I've never broken the speed limit.

(except for the times I did or was.)

Thanks Utah... and sorry to all the old people who got their hopes up that they could contribute to a better world.

Who does this guy think he is!

In baseball, a triple play is pretty rare and that makes it exciting. That is how a blog should be. People shouldn't water down the excitement of their blog by posting 12 times in a day (although, most blogs are not at all exciting, so they can post all they want). But every now and again it is time for a triple play day.

Rounding out my triple play, I want to bring to your attention one man's hypocrisy. There is a blog out there who's author claims to be something of a marketing expert. I don't know his credentials, if he even has any. But I do know this - he is a fraud! He doesn't even follow his own advice. Just today he posted about the importance of timing in advertising and marketing efforts, yet look at his blog:

Excuse me? You are the one who still has a Santa image in your header. On January 20th!

Furthermore, he lies on facebook. Even worse, he lies on facebook about his blog.

Guess what, there was no post on Monday. Or Tuesday for that matter.

The fact is, he must be stopped. Sure, he is funny, and handsome... and looks good with his not-overly-thick-beard, but he must be held accountable for his actions. So what should we do? Stop reading his blog? No, no... that is too simple. What we must do is tell everyone we know about his blog! I know what you are thinking, "how will that help?" You are just going to have to trust me on this one, it will.

Now you're asking, "but how do I spread the word?" Anything is fine. Email, Facebook, Twitter.

I will even tell you what to say:

Friends and enemies alike - I have recently come across a pretty okay blog written by a smart, funny, hilariously, intelligent guy who I want to teach a lesson to. Help me out by visiting his blog daily. Just go to opinuendo.blogspot.com.

Thanks, ______________

Together we can all make a difference!

Timing Matters

Perhaps you noticed some Black Friday ads on the Saturday and Sunday following Thanksgiving. And perhaps, like me, you said to yourself, "that is dumb, Black Friday has come and gone. They need to remove these ads quicker."

It was even worse after Christmas. On December 26th, I noticed a lot of TV and radio ads for "the perfect Christmas gift", which was really helpful because I was looking for the perfect Christmas gift... except, Christmas was over. It was funny on the 26th, but it was downright annoying by the 30th. So imagine how I felt when I saw a billboard last week for the Ultimate Christmas radio station. We are halfway through January!

Don't these people know that timing is everything? But, hey, any publicity is good publicity, right? Wrong. Sometimes you actually can be noticed for the wrong thing. (Don't even get me started on that annoying guy who does the State Farm commercials...)

Yesterday (January 19th) I was in my local Wells Fargo and saw a stack of these fliers on the table where you fill out your deposit slip:

 

Why are they leaving fliers out for an offer that is over by 10 days? How hard is it to just throw them in the trash?

Now to the mother-of-all timing fails - I took these pictures at a local gas station on January 5th:

I know... it really is hard to look at. And it hurts no one more than me to have to show such gruesome images. There are some of you saying right now, "my goodness! At the time you took that picture, that ad should've been down for 86 days" and you almost right. It was actually 87 days.

Is the sign down now? I don't know. You think I can stomach fueling there? If they don't even bother to change the ads, imagine the last time the bathroom was cleaned or the hot dogs were changed.

Listen people: Timing matters.

Hey you, give me money!

Here is your late edition of Marketing Wednesday. One of the keys to marketing is giving someone a reason to do something that (they think) benefits them. You would never hear salesperson say, "I think you should buy this piece of junk so that I can get the commission off of it." They may be thinking it, but they won't say it if they want to be successful.

Also, there should be some level of specificity in your marketing. If you are selling woman's clothing, you don't try to get teenage boys into your store. You market to women and people buying things for women.

Apparently, who ever was in charge of signage at this gas station did not know either of those things.

Dear Chevron by my house,

This does not make my want to stop and buy anything from you. I asked myself 2 things when I saw this: What and Why? Which is exactly what you should have been selling me. I feel like almost anything would have been better.

"You worked hard today and deserve a treat! Candy Bars 4 for $1"
"Need a boost? All fountain drinks $0.99"

Are those good ideas? Not really, but in 15 seconds I came up with something better than what you have.

-Kenny

Tips for today:
1. Give me a reason to by that benefits me.
2. Be specific.

Business Cards

It is Wednesday and we all know what that means... Marketing Wednesday!!! Thus far I have received very little feedback on Marketing Wednesday, which I will take as a good thing. (Because, let's face it, if I took no feedback as a bad thing, the blog would be dead. How is that for a subtle plea for comments?)

Anyhow, my apologies to The Men's Wearhouse, who is taking a hit on my blog, but I was in my local store last week to see about buying a suit and/or sports coat (see previous post); I didn't find anything I liked, but they are going to have a couple of things sent to the store to see if I like them (props to Men's Wearhouse for that).

As I was getting ready to leave, the salesman who had been helping me gave me his card - which I stuck in my jacket pocket and forgot about until today when I wore the jacket again. When I pulled it out to throw it away, I noticed something interesting.

What is an "Assistant Manager II"? How many assistant managers are there? And what is the difference between "Assistant Manager II" and "Assistant Manager I"?

I should interject here that I have long planned* on naming my first son "Kenny, Jr." with hopes of him naming his first son "Kenny, III"**, so if anyone should be predisposed to like roman numerals after stuff, it is me.

However, I don't like this. It looks... Unprofessional. I can't help but feel this was a petty power struggle over a title and what did it turn into? It looks a lot like the end of the credits to a movie:

Bank robber #1...........Bob Roberts***
Bank robber #2...........Eddy "The Hammer" Smith
Pedestrian #1............Tom Jones
Pedestrian #2............Shirley J. Temple

So what do you do if you want to distinguish between two levels of employees? We all know that "Assistant Assistant Manager" won't work, so my vote is for "Assistant Manager I" to be bumped to "Sr. Assistant Manager" and "Assistant Manager II" to transition to "Assistant Manager".

In any case, you can be assured that I will be asking to see "Assistant Manager I" the next time I walk into my local Men's Wearhouse.

*-This plan is completely subject to change depending on my wife's**** feelings on the matter. I may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but I know that I would rather have a happy wife than a son named "Kenny, Jr."

**-I figure I will be rich enough that his wife will go along with it hoping to get a larger chunk of the inheritance.

***-If my last name were "Roberts", I would name my first son "Bob" and my second two sons "Robert"... No matter what. I would get a kick out of seeing people's face when I introduce the family. "This is my oldest son, Bob. And these are my other sons, Robert and Robert, respectively. We like to call Robert (pointing to son #3) here, Bob"

****-Currently taking applications.

Forget a Name, What's in an E-mail Address...

It is Marketing Wednesday and I present this nugget of wisdom unto you: Email addresses matter.

Which would you respect more on a business card:

crzygurl1028542@hotmail.com*

or

jane.doe@gmail.com*

If you picked the first, you are wrong. I know that some will argue that this is a matter of opinion and there is no wrong answer, but those people are just as wrong as the people they are defending.

Look, you aren't going blow people away with an email address and you don't want to. It should be something that is easy to remember, but not something that is so strange that people take special note of it.

Want an example of what I am talking about?

I first saw this window sticker at a local Mcdonald's years ago. And I took note. In a bad way. I have 2 issues with the email address in the above photo:

1. mcdcmk? At first glance it looks like some blindfolded themselves and randomly typed 6 letters. I get that it is a Mcdonald's (mcd) owned by CMK Corporation, but it is not intuitive.

2. There is not necessarily anything wrong with a hotmail address (I tend to favor gmail or yahoo in the realm of free addresses), but if you are a corporation, I don't like you using a free account. When I first saw this, I specifically remember thinking to myself, "if you are going to go to the trouble of making these stickers, why not have your own domain?" This is especially in this day and age. It is so easy to buy a domain and use gmail to handle it. So easy.

Imagine if you were given a business card from a guy who worked at some big company - say, Bank of America - and on the business card it says "bigbubba107@yahoo.com*". Tell me you aren't going to be a little suspicious. Or even if a friend recommends a local handyman and gives you his email address - "thug4lyfe_1973@gmail.com*" - are you going to be impressed with that?

In the end, having an email address is like the Utah Jazz playing the LA Clippers: you have to do it, and if you do it well, nobody cares; but if you do it poorly, people are going to ask questions.

* - If these email address are yours, sorry. It was purely a coincidence. I was hoping they would be unused.

The Wednesday I almost forgot.

Some of you may have noticed that I have ads on my blog. Why did I do that? Mostly it was a test and since putting them on there, I have made $0.04. So they will probably becoming down because they are ugly. Anyhow, a few minutes ago I was putting up a blog post* and clicked "preview" to give it a once-over before making it live and I saw the following ad:

When I saw it, I thought to myself, "man, that that is an ugly ad." Especially for a site claiming to be an expert in style. And the name is confusing - I think it is "Style List", but it looks like it is "stylist" spelled wrong. And if it is "Style List", does that mean that it is nothing but lists? And is that the logo? Do they not have a logo? Because it seems un-stylish to not have a logo.

Anyhow, in the midst of that train of thought, I realized I should use that for a Marketing Wednesday. Then it hit me: today is Wednesday and I had totally forgot. So, the above is your marketing tip for today. It teaches us: if you are claiming to be an expert in something, make sure your advertising doesn't undermine that.

Which, by the way, is something that people seemed to really like about last week's Marketing Wednesday. It was a marketing company with bad marketing and the second sign wasn't that great.

Note:
Not that it is in any way relevant to this post, but I just had major déjà vu. It tripped me out.

*The post I was working on will now run tomorrow.

Marketing Wednesday: Ugly Signs and iPhones

Today's post will feature 2 lessons.

Lesson One: if you are a marketing company, don't put this handmade sign on your door:

Lesson Two: if you see a sign like the above, take a picture of it with your iPhone just as an employee comes around the corner. It won't be awkward, I promise. And, in less than an hour, that sign will turn into this:

Seriously though, I was in an office building and saw an office suite with the sign from the first photo on the door. I knew it would come in handy, so, after looking around to make sure no one would see, I took a picture. Right then an employee walked around the corner and caught me. It was very awkward. But, about an hour later, I left and the new sign was up. The power of the iPhone.

Marketing Wednesday: Monsters

Some advice is just too good to pay for. That is why Al Gore invented the internet. And, more importantly, that is why this blog exists. In fact, take a moment and think of all the valuable things that I have taught you - I'll wait.

Done? No? Okay, I'll wait more.

Alright, I am sure you aren't quite done, but I must insist that we move on.

It turns out, I am a marketing genius. I am sure you are thinking to yourself, "Really? This site is just like every other blog out there - not very good and not very well known." Well, that is the image that I worked very hard to achieve to avoid becoming too rich and too famous (although, that plan may have worked too well, so maybe you could forward this URL to your friends and post it on facebook). Nevertheless, it is true: I am a marketing guru - my middle name is, in fact, Marketing** - and I want to pass that guru-ness on to you. To that end, I introduce to you "Marketing Wednesdays: A Mini-series of Marketing Fails". This will run for at least 4 or 5 weeks.

This week: Monsters.

Remember the good ol' days when fancy, computer-animated monsters on advertisements were the ultimate sign of professionalism and prestige? Especially in the dental profession? Yeah, me neither. But apparently Dr. Dan does:

Sorry, Dr. Dan, but telling me about how great you are at pulling monsters' teeth and having a monster's testimonial does not increase the chances of me coming to visit you. In fact, I am now less likely to visit you.

Here is the thing, my dog's vet did a great job removing my dog's kidney stones, but if I were to get kidney stones, I would go to a people doctor. If my monster has a toothache, I will go to Dr. Dan; if I have a toothache, I will go to a people dentist.

Also, I hate when people go by Dr. [first name here]. It feels... wrong.

Finally, props to BSB and his iPhone for sending in the picture of Dr. Dan's ad.

**My middle name may or may not actually be Mark. But who is counting.