Saturday, October 31, 2009

Let's talk about Christmas...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, we have just entered into one of the greatest times of the year. We can walk outside and it's not hotter than a devils drawers, College Football, NFL, NBA, Halloween, Thanksgiving, New Years, Skiing, World Series, sledding, new TV shows... the list goes on (not to mention there have been about a million birthdays over the past 8 weeks). And yes, most importantly, there is Christmas. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. It is wonderful.

However, some people - I am sure with good intentions - are unknowingly trying to ruin Christmas. I have seen it a million times and it makes me sick every time. The air gets a little crisp, snow begins to fall in the mountains, you see your breath in the air; the natural temptation is to start planning for Christmas (the mother of all holidays (MOAH)). You want to start listening to Christmas music, setup the Christmas tree, put some lights on the house, wear an ugly sweater, put the reindeer antlers on the dog, and sit on some fat guy's lap.

Friends, this is simply not okay... All of those things are fine - in fact, they are necessary (except that sweater...) - but things must be done in proper order.

How can I be scared on Halloween with Christmas music blaring?

How can I stuff my face on Thanksgiving with Santa decorations staring me in the face reminding me of my expanding waistline?

How can the World Series go on with reindeer eating the outfield?

Furthermore, we cannot put up with retail stores putting out their Christmas merchandise so early... It is corporate America trying to ruin everything!

With that in mind, the "Christmas Rule" is as follows:
The Christmas season shall begin on the forth Friday of each November (except in instances where November 1 falls on a Friday; in which case the Christmas season will begin on the fifth Friday of November).

The Christmas season will be over on January 2nd.

There will be no listening to or playing of Christmas music outside of the above mentioned time period.

There will be no decorating for Christmas outside of the above stated time period.

These rules are effective immediately and have been set forth to protect the specialness of Christmas and the honoring of the other sports, holidays, and activities which make this time of year special
Really, the question is, have you ever had really watered down kool-aid? Gross, right? That is what will happen if we continue to let the Christmas season creep... It will become un-special.

Friday, October 30, 2009


I love signs that have typos, don't make sense, or are just dumb... so I will post them here... I am thinking this will be a Friday event. Lets get to it!

In the men's room in one of the chapels in San Francisco there was a baby changing table with illustrated instructions. The instructions always raised so many questions in my mind. I often wanted to take a picture, but never had a camera. Luckily, in a rest stop in Idaho, I came across the same set of instructions and can now share the questions with you!

1. Why is baby so huge?
2. Why aren't baby's legs attached? Why doesn't baby's have a pelvic region? (I know this is representative of the diaper, but not effective.)
3. Why don't baby's arms move?
4. Why does baby have to lay down his own towel and dispose of the towel?
5. Why doesn't baby dispose of the diaper?
6. What is the strap fastening baby to? (I know it's to the table, but the table is not in the picture.)
7. If baby is not to be left unattended, where are the adults in the instructions?
8. Again, why is baby SO HUGE?!?!

I almost feel bad posting stuff from signs at UVU (key word almost...) But there is a pumpkin icluded when you sign up for this pumpkin carving contest!

Ummm, what is "icludes"?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Move Please

Early in the month, I thought October was certainly going to be my highest posting month ever... Little did I know that my trip to The Desert, Manti, Lake Powell, long work hours, and school would interfere with that.

Anyhow, I make my return to blogging with a public service blog:

The 7 Worst Types of Left Lane Campers

The law of the land - and common courtesy - demands that "Slower Traffic Keep Right". Whether on a rural highway or a 5 lane super freeway, if there are at least two lanes going one way, the left lane is for passing... not for cruising. These people defy the law and courtesy...

7. Old people- I like old people, really, I do... But here is the thing - have you ever been rolling down the freeway and come upon a car going a shade over 48 mph and as you pass them, you see an elderly person white-knuckling the steering wheel trying to figure out where the horses and buggies have gone? You flash your lights, but their eyesight is shot. You honk, but they just try to adjust their hearing-aid?

We have to step in at some point... but the elderly can be feisty in holding on to those licenses. I tried to take away my parents license when they got old. For their fiftieth birthday's I tried to sneak their license and keys away, but I'll be a monkey's uncle if they can't throw their walkers a solid 50 ft... and man, their scooters are quick!

6. "A law? What is that?"- I am convinced that there is a group of people who do not know that it is even a law for the slow traffic stay right... I can't prove it, but my gut tells me it is so...

Anyhow, this is the person who gets on the freeway, immediately goes to the far left and settles in for a long drive.

5. "But I'll pass 'em eventually"- This genius is going 67.5 mph; a mile in the distance there is a car in the right lane going 67 mph. So what does she do? Well, of course, she gets in the left lane, maintains her speed, and when people start to go crazy due to the hold up, she thinks to herself, "hey, I'll pass them eventually!" That is true, you will pass them... eventually, but the world will end eventually and if I enter the lotto enough times, I will win eventually - that doesn't mean I sit in the left lane holding everyone up until that happens!

Here is a novel idea, until such time that it is completely necessary, stay in the right lane. Furthermore, when you do go to pass, give it a little gas, do the deed and move back over. Just a thought.

4. The Racecar Driver- This is the idiot who doesn't really want to go as fast as everyone else, but doesn't want anyone to pass him (or her) either. He sits in the left lane - slowing traffic and ignoring courtesy flashes - until someone goes to pass on the right. Once this happens, our prideful racecar driver decides to floor it. He slowly regresses back to his inappropriately slow speed and the cycle repeats itself.

Listen Mr Nascar, just go the speed you are comfortable with... in the right lane.

3. The Law-enforcers- Civilians who think that it is their responsibility to enforce the speed limit. The thing that I don't think that they realize is they are actually making the roadways less safe. It is far worse to have people weaving in and out of traffic than it is to have some people speeding mildly. Furthermore, it just incites road-rage... and that isn't good for anyone.

So - to you, Mr. wannabe law enforcer - I say, "Move over please."

2. Total oblivion- For whatever reason, this person has no idea what is going on around them. I have seen them come in all shapes and size. From the lady I saw reading a book, to the one I saw doing make-up, the guy on his phone ranting and raving about who knows what, the person rocking out the radio, or the woman with 42 kids in her Excursion; these are the people for whom driving is barely cracking the list of the top 5 things vying for their attention.

You can give the courtesy flash, but it will do no good... They don't know that there is anyone else on the road. Use extreme caution when passing on the right of this animal - who knows when they are suddenly going swerve across 5 lanes with reckless abandon during rush hour to get off their exit that they just realized they passed.

Listen friend, stop sending that email and giving yourself a manicure, you are going kill someone!

1. The Fuzz... 50... Po-Po... Cops...- Whatever you call them, they are the worst. The police know the law, they should move over. Nothing is worst than a police officer holding up traffic.

Final thought - Lets talk about the flashing of head lights - this is not necessarily meant to be offensive or rude; two quick flashes can simply mean, "Excuse me, I'd like to get by." So don't be afraid to flash and if you are flashed, don't get all bent out of shape, just move over.

With that said, it is the ULTIMATE form of none verbal communication and can lead to serious miscommunication... So be prepared to get the bird.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I like Google...

This morning I was looking at my analytics account and noticed that lately my search engine referrals have been getting much better; as I was looking at the terms that refer people to me, I noticed that on Monday someone was referred after googling my name (and I am pretty sure it wasn't me...). WOOT!

I hate Google...

To validate that it really finds my blog when you search "Kenny Rawlins" I had to test. When I googled myself I was pleased to see that many of the references were to me, but I also felt as though Google was trying to stick it to me when I saw this...

If you read this post, you will know why I feel like this is personal...

Other News...

Does anyone know the record for number of times hitting snooze in one morning? I may have broken that record...

While we are on the subject, how about the word "snooze"? What a weird word... Look at it; it even looks weird...


Monday, October 5, 2009

Quotes (Part 1)

A couple of quotes that I like...
"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling the tail a leg doesn't make it one."
-Abraham Lincoln

"It takes a pretty thin pancake to only have one side."
-President Keller, CA-SF Mission

"Firm in principle; Flexible in proceedure."
-President Keller, CA-SF Mission

"Use your best judgement."
-President Keller, CA-SF Mission

"It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to everyone, but still unknown to himself."
-Francis Bacon

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am it to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, or fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your are a child of God. Your playing small does't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so other don't feel insecure are around you. We are born to manifest God's glory within us. Its not just in some of us, its in everyone. And, as you let your own light shine, you unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As you are liberated from your own fears, your presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson (See note below)

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts donĂ­t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.
-Gordon B. Hinckley

"The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served."
-Gordon B. Hinckley

"I don't worry too much about the future, and I don't worry very much about the past. The past is gone, and you can't change, you can't correct it. The future, you can anticipate, but you can't necessrily do very much about it. It is the present you have to deal with. Reach out for every good opportunity to do what you ought to do."
- Gordon B Hinckley

** Some may be devastated to know that this quote did not come from one Mr. Nelson Mandela. His own website states this. And this site may be useful also...