Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Six Word Bio

In English our Professor told us about this thing called a "six word bio" - also known as a "six word memoir" (see this article from the new yorker). Basically, you take six word (absolutely no more than six!) and tell your life story. The two examples my professor gave were:

For sale, baby shoes, never worn (this is supposed to be some sort of masterpiece, but I don't see it.)

Finally met dream girl; already married (I like this one better)

In class we were challenged to come up with our own - not necessarily about ourselves - and since then I have come up with a number of them. However, I have to preface these by saying the happy ones aren't as funny and clever, so these are more satirical, ironic, and therefore a little less happy (even a little negative). And - unless otherwise stated - they aren't about me.

If I had to do one about me today:
Likes sports and women; currently miserable
Perhaps my tombstone will read:
Life long Jazz fan died disappointed
Now for the the non-Kenny ones:
Got rich, met woman, died broke. 
Bought all wanted, died in need.
Would've gone faster; stuck in traffic
Identity theft dies, name still unknown.
Ate very healthy, still died young.
Peed on electric fence; shocking experience.
Tried killing time, time killed me.
Said "it wasn't me"; it was.
Didn't stay on path; bear killed.
Lets hear some from you!

The Big Podcast

On Sunday I joined Mark Welling and Jake Stowell on their weekly podcast about the Utah Jazz. Now, I know that many of my readers are not avid Jazz fans, but who doesn't want to hear more from Kenny!

Listen to the Big Podcast here.

We address:
  • The play of rookies Eric Maynor and Wes Matthews (Mark's Main Man).
  • Is it good for NBA players to be so chummy after games.
  • Why/IF the Jazz are playing better without Deron Williams?
  • Was the four game Eastern Conference road trip a success?
  • Should the Jazz start shopping CJ Miles and Kyle Korver?
  • Is Boozer's reemergence the last two games due to Williams not being on the court?
  • True/False Jerry Sloan plays rookies?
  • A look into the future of Jazz prospective coaches once Jerry retires.
  • Jake, Kenny, and Mark predict how the Jazz will fare this coming week.
  • Lebron and his attempts to rule and run the NBA.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Signs - UVU Edition

You wanna know what I like about UVU? They are ahead of the times. They are progressive. You are NOT going to catch them by surprise.

In fact, the day Starbursts are able to grow legs and floating heads, UVU's elevators will be ready.

You wanna know what else I like about UVU? They don't concern themselves with using the write right words in the right places...

Yeah, that's right - "sing up" for the soccer tournament... Or is that supposed to be sign up?

Thursday, November 12, 2009


So you need that little bit to get you from Thursday to Friday? Well, fear not! We will have a YouTube Thurdsay:

This music video is unreal! Honestly, the collaboration that had to take place is ridiculous.

I find this one hilarious... Wow, sometimes the truth is hilarious...

"You just fancy her more than she is objectively attractive... That's what love is!"

Oh Man... Vegetarians...

"It's an ethical thing; I don't think people should be treated like this..."

Not exactly brain surgery...

A dog that can skateboard!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Moment for True Genius...

I would have liked to have been there when some genius came up with the idea for the "hunger banquet". I can see it now -

Ted: You know, world hunger is a serious problem... we should really try to do something... any ideas?

Eddie: Well, we could run a food and donation drive. People could donate canned goods or money which we could use to fight hunger.

Ted: whew... I don’t know... that might work. We will call that plan B... any other ideas?

Billy: Well - now I am just spitballing here - but we could host a banquet...

Eddie: What?!? How will that solve the problem of world hunger?

Ted: Shut up Eddie... I like it. Good job Ted; that is just the kind of outside-the-box thinking we need. We'll eat to feed the hungry - makes sense to me.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Wait a second... That's not a Taco!

Dear Taco Time,

As you will see, above I've included a picture of the side menu from your drive thru in Provo (pardon the quality - sunny day, iphone... you get it).

I'm concerned about your knowledge and understanding of ameri-mex (American-Mexican) food. Let me draw your attention to the specials on 3 days - Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday:

These are NOT soft tacos; they're burritos! I don't know who you've been talking to, but they are not your friends - in fact, they are you enemies. You are supposed to know the difference between a taco and a burrito - YOU'RE TACO TIME.

It's not that there is anything wrong with tacos... except you have to turn your head funny to eat them. And if it is a hard shell taco it falls apart after one bite - I HATE that... it's that you look silly making such a HUGE mistake.

This almost makes you look as foolish as those people who put a hotmail email address on their business cards... Who does that? No one will take you serious until you fix this.

I am sorry we had talk under such sad circumstances...


Tuesday, November 3, 2009


One of the tough things about growing up is finding out that life lies to you... A LOT. How many times did you learn something in school just to have another teacher a few years later tell you that you were lied to? And it is not just school; everyday we live our lives assuming things are true when they aren't.

On October 5th, I posted some of my favorite quotes. The next day I may or may not have had the following gchat conversation and it may or may not have been with an astronaut on the space station.

Astronaut: um i have a concern
the "deepest fear" quote was said by nelson mandela.
not marianne williamson
i love the last Hinckley quote.

me: ah, thank you... and I am pretty sure that it is falsely attributed to nelson mandela

Astronaut: really?
are you sure
who's marianne williamson anyway?

me: she is an author... I was under the impression for the longest time that it was mandela also, but they always say in it was in his '94 inauguration speech and it is not
Look: Our deepest fear note
if you go to the bottom of this page you will see a note about it

Astronaut: huh.

me: I know

Astronaut: well, why should i believe that website any more than all the other ones that say nelson mandela said it?

me: hey, I know... it is a total trap... that is the thing about the internet.
I am just saying, people attribute it to his inauguration speech and it isn't there.

Astronaut: hm.
that's so weird.
why does everyone think that?

me: I don't know... why does everyone think that swallowed gum stays in your intestines for 7 years or that a penny falling from the empire state building will kill a person?


me: hahaha.... ok
I wish it did come to from mandela... I don't know who this lady is... but as near as I can tell, it didn't come from him...
oh snap, check this nugget out from

Astronaut: I just told everyone in the space station the truth.
our worlds are shattered.

me: I am sorry
I hate to do that to people

Astronaut: haha.
that's all right.
i also told them that gum doesn't stay in our intestines for 7 years.
they were a little more hesitant to accept that fact.

me: I asked a dr... but he could have been lying
check out the blog for an addendum
off to lunch... ttyl

Astronaut: bye

Let us examine other myths we take as fact:

We swallow X number of spiders a year - Here is the thing - think about it - even if this were true, how could anyone know? Did someone monitor people sleeping for a year? Wouldn't this vary by region and house? Wouldn't we all wake up with spider bites on our faces several times a year? Need more evidence? Go here

Penny thrown off the Empire State Build will kill a person - Mythbusters tested this and it is false. Wind resistance keeps the penny from falling fast enough.

Gum stays in digestive system for 7 years - Warhammer and I had serious disagreements on this. So much so, I asked my ENT while I was at Stanford with sinus problems what he thought - since he is a doctor - and he agreed with me. If this myth were true, think of the number of people who would be hospitalized each year due to blocked intestines! The funny thing about this one is that my 6th grade science teacher believed this. Need more evidence? Go here