Lesson #1 - Trust No One (Except Jack Bauer)
Lesson #2 - If you are still trusting this list then you clearly didn't learn lesson #1
Showing posts with label Life Lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Lessons. Show all posts
Monday, July 25, 2011
What I've learned from Jack Bauer
Pretty much everything I need to know in life I have learned from Jack Bauer.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
The 3 Great Lies
My grandfather maintained that there are 3 great lies:
1) "I am from the government and I'm here to help you."
Depending on who is doing the quoting, this is sometimes quoted as "I am from the federal government and I'm here to help you", but grandpa passed away in 1994, so I can't really get a definitive answer as to whether or not he differentiated between the helpfulness of the state and federal governments. However, I like to keep things simple, so I am lumping all government agents into one.
2) "I will love you just as much in the morning."
I am not going to expound on this one as Opinuendo is a family friendly site... moving right along...
3) "The check is in the mail."
Where checks are more and more becoming a thing of the past (and mail for that matter) and payments are becoming instantaneous, I feel that we need a new lie for the 3rd great lie. Here are some possibilities:
1) "I am from the government and I'm here to help you."
Depending on who is doing the quoting, this is sometimes quoted as "I am from the federal government and I'm here to help you", but grandpa passed away in 1994, so I can't really get a definitive answer as to whether or not he differentiated between the helpfulness of the state and federal governments. However, I like to keep things simple, so I am lumping all government agents into one.
2) "I will love you just as much in the morning."
I am not going to expound on this one as Opinuendo is a family friendly site... moving right along...
3) "The check is in the mail."
Where checks are more and more becoming a thing of the past (and mail for that matter) and payments are becoming instantaneous, I feel that we need a new lie for the 3rd great lie. Here are some possibilities:
"This won't hurt at all"
"I'll be there in five minutes."
"I didn't post that; my account got hacked."
"I'm on my way right now."
"It's not you, it's me."
"My computer crashed and I lost all my work."
"I'll be right with you."
"This is a sure investment."Feel free to post your ideas for the 3rd great lie in the comments.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Timing Matters
Perhaps you noticed some Black Friday ads on the Saturday and Sunday following Thanksgiving. And perhaps, like me, you said to yourself, "that is dumb, Black Friday has come and gone. They need to remove these ads quicker."
It was even worse after Christmas. On December 26th, I noticed a lot of TV and radio ads for "the perfect Christmas gift", which was really helpful because I was looking for the perfect Christmas gift... except, Christmas was over. It was funny on the 26th, but it was downright annoying by the 30th. So imagine how I felt when I saw a billboard last week for the Ultimate Christmas radio station. We are halfway through January!
Don't these people know that timing is everything? But, hey, any publicity is good publicity, right? Wrong. Sometimes you actually can be noticed for the wrong thing. (Don't even get me started on that annoying guy who does the State Farm commercials...)
Yesterday (January 19th) I was in my local Wells Fargo and saw a stack of these fliers on the table where you fill out your deposit slip:
Why are they leaving fliers out for an offer that is over by 10 days? How hard is it to just throw them in the trash?
Now to the mother-of-all timing fails - I took these pictures at a local gas station on January 5th:
I know... it really is hard to look at. And it hurts no one more than me to have to show such gruesome images. There are some of you saying right now, "my goodness! At the time you took that picture, that ad should've been down for 86 days" and you almost right. It was actually 87 days.
Is the sign down now? I don't know. You think I can stomach fueling there? If they don't even bother to change the ads, imagine the last time the bathroom was cleaned or the hot dogs were changed.
Listen people: Timing matters.
It was even worse after Christmas. On December 26th, I noticed a lot of TV and radio ads for "the perfect Christmas gift", which was really helpful because I was looking for the perfect Christmas gift... except, Christmas was over. It was funny on the 26th, but it was downright annoying by the 30th. So imagine how I felt when I saw a billboard last week for the Ultimate Christmas radio station. We are halfway through January!
Don't these people know that timing is everything? But, hey, any publicity is good publicity, right? Wrong. Sometimes you actually can be noticed for the wrong thing. (Don't even get me started on that annoying guy who does the State Farm commercials...)
Yesterday (January 19th) I was in my local Wells Fargo and saw a stack of these fliers on the table where you fill out your deposit slip:
Why are they leaving fliers out for an offer that is over by 10 days? How hard is it to just throw them in the trash?
Now to the mother-of-all timing fails - I took these pictures at a local gas station on January 5th:
I know... it really is hard to look at. And it hurts no one more than me to have to show such gruesome images. There are some of you saying right now, "my goodness! At the time you took that picture, that ad should've been down for 86 days" and you almost right. It was actually 87 days.
Is the sign down now? I don't know. You think I can stomach fueling there? If they don't even bother to change the ads, imagine the last time the bathroom was cleaned or the hot dogs were changed.
Listen people: Timing matters.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Pinstripes.
I am in the market for a new suit (my last suit and I had a good run - almost 4 years), but I have been putting off the purchase because of the cost. However, it is time to bite the bullet, so I began looking on Men's Wearhouse's website to see what it is going to run me.
What I would really like to do is get a suit and also a sports coat that goes with the some slacks I already have. As I was looking into this idea, I found this piece of fashion advice on the Men's Wearhouse site (emphasis added):
But wait... what is this:
That is a pinstriped sports coat on the Men's Wearhouse website! Trust me, no one was more surprised and hurt than me. No one.
Apparently, what they really meant when they said:
What can we as a people learn from this? Well, I think the lesson is clear: Absolutely never use absolutes.
What I would really like to do is get a suit and also a sports coat that goes with the some slacks I already have. As I was looking into this idea, I found this piece of fashion advice on the Men's Wearhouse site (emphasis added):
The pinstripe ruleJust so we are clear, pinstripe and sports coats do not go together. Got it? Good.
Pinstripe sport coats or pants? They just don't happen. Look around any reputable clothier, and while you'll see a large selection of patterned sport coats, you won't see pinstriped sport coats as pinstripes are a very conservative pattern made just for suits.
But wait... what is this:
That is a pinstriped sports coat on the Men's Wearhouse website! Trust me, no one was more surprised and hurt than me. No one.
Apparently, what they really meant when they said:
...you won't see pinstriped sport coats...was:
...you won't see pinstriped sport coats - unless, of course, you are looking on our website...I just don't know what to think anymore. Does this mean sports coats with pinstripes are in or out?
What can we as a people learn from this? Well, I think the lesson is clear: Absolutely never use absolutes.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Wednesday I almost forgot.
Some of you may have noticed that I have ads on my blog. Why did I do that? Mostly it was a test and since putting them on there, I have made $0.04. So they will probably becoming down because they are ugly. Anyhow, a few minutes ago I was putting up a blog post* and clicked "preview" to give it a once-over before making it live and I saw the following ad:
When I saw it, I thought to myself, "man, that that is an ugly ad." Especially for a site claiming to be an expert in style. And the name is confusing - I think it is "Style List", but it looks like it is "stylist" spelled wrong. And if it is "Style List", does that mean that it is nothing but lists? And is that the logo? Do they not have a logo? Because it seems un-stylish to not have a logo.
Anyhow, in the midst of that train of thought, I realized I should use that for a Marketing Wednesday. Then it hit me: today is Wednesday and I had totally forgot. So, the above is your marketing tip for today. It teaches us: if you are claiming to be an expert in something, make sure your advertising doesn't undermine that.
Which, by the way, is something that people seemed to really like about last week's Marketing Wednesday. It was a marketing company with bad marketing and the second sign wasn't that great.
Note:
Not that it is in any way relevant to this post, but I just had major déjà vu. It tripped me out.
*The post I was working on will now run tomorrow.
When I saw it, I thought to myself, "man, that that is an ugly ad." Especially for a site claiming to be an expert in style. And the name is confusing - I think it is "Style List", but it looks like it is "stylist" spelled wrong. And if it is "Style List", does that mean that it is nothing but lists? And is that the logo? Do they not have a logo? Because it seems un-stylish to not have a logo.
Anyhow, in the midst of that train of thought, I realized I should use that for a Marketing Wednesday. Then it hit me: today is Wednesday and I had totally forgot. So, the above is your marketing tip for today. It teaches us: if you are claiming to be an expert in something, make sure your advertising doesn't undermine that.
Which, by the way, is something that people seemed to really like about last week's Marketing Wednesday. It was a marketing company with bad marketing and the second sign wasn't that great.
Note:
Not that it is in any way relevant to this post, but I just had major déjà vu. It tripped me out.
*The post I was working on will now run tomorrow.
Friday, November 26, 2010
I love the media.
Below is a little movie that WAR and I put together yesterday as a tribute to the over-hyping powers of the media.
Back Story
For those of you who don't live in Utah, on Tuesday, the news began alerting us of a "severe winter storm" that was coming in. If you would have believed the news, you would have thought the world was ending. As it turned out, the world didn't end and it was just like a dozen other storms we see every year.
The number one lesson I learned from all of this: when making a faux-newscast, write a script. It makes it so much easier to get all the barbs in you want. I didn't, but next time I will.
Also, it is like I told WAR, this might be funny, it might be lame, but either way, we didn't have to help cook dinner.
Back Story
For those of you who don't live in Utah, on Tuesday, the news began alerting us of a "severe winter storm" that was coming in. If you would have believed the news, you would have thought the world was ending. As it turned out, the world didn't end and it was just like a dozen other storms we see every year.
The number one lesson I learned from all of this: when making a faux-newscast, write a script. It makes it so much easier to get all the barbs in you want. I didn't, but next time I will.
Also, it is like I told WAR, this might be funny, it might be lame, but either way, we didn't have to help cook dinner.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Marketing Wednesday: Ugly Signs and iPhones
Today's post will feature 2 lessons.
Lesson One: if you are a marketing company, don't put this handmade sign on your door:
Lesson Two: if you see a sign like the above, take a picture of it with your iPhone just as an employee comes around the corner. It won't be awkward, I promise. And, in less than an hour, that sign will turn into this:
Seriously though, I was in an office building and saw an office suite with the sign from the first photo on the door. I knew it would come in handy, so, after looking around to make sure no one would see, I took a picture. Right then an employee walked around the corner and caught me. It was very awkward. But, about an hour later, I left and the new sign was up. The power of the iPhone.
Lesson One: if you are a marketing company, don't put this handmade sign on your door:
Lesson Two: if you see a sign like the above, take a picture of it with your iPhone just as an employee comes around the corner. It won't be awkward, I promise. And, in less than an hour, that sign will turn into this:
Seriously though, I was in an office building and saw an office suite with the sign from the first photo on the door. I knew it would come in handy, so, after looking around to make sure no one would see, I took a picture. Right then an employee walked around the corner and caught me. It was very awkward. But, about an hour later, I left and the new sign was up. The power of the iPhone.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friends.
I have been asked, "Kenny, where do you get your ideas for your blog/comics?" and the answer is - I don't know; they are the product of random thoughts that come to me as I go throughout life.
I actually have a whole list of potential posts and comics. This means that the catalyst for a post may have happened months before I get around to posting it. In any case, some may think the following comic was modeled after a real life event. Not true. However, I was fortunate enough to be able to use the material in this comic in a real life situation. Tell me that doesn't blow your mind - a real life event that was based on a comic.
The significant thing about the above comic is that the process I went through to make it was completely different than the previous comics. This was 100% drawn on the computer using a tablet (which was recommended by the CAD genius). I like it, but I am still getting used to it and not sure if I am going to buy one for myself yet (currently borrowing one the Bear had lying around).
And, I will have you know, whether in a comic or in life, women do not like being put on a facebook waiting list. Write that down.
I actually have a whole list of potential posts and comics. This means that the catalyst for a post may have happened months before I get around to posting it. In any case, some may think the following comic was modeled after a real life event. Not true. However, I was fortunate enough to be able to use the material in this comic in a real life situation. Tell me that doesn't blow your mind - a real life event that was based on a comic.
The significant thing about the above comic is that the process I went through to make it was completely different than the previous comics. This was 100% drawn on the computer using a tablet (which was recommended by the CAD genius). I like it, but I am still getting used to it and not sure if I am going to buy one for myself yet (currently borrowing one the Bear had lying around).
And, I will have you know, whether in a comic or in life, women do not like being put on a facebook waiting list. Write that down.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Marketing Wednesday: Monsters
Some advice is just too good to pay for. That is why Al Gore invented the internet. And, more importantly, that is why this blog exists. In fact, take a moment and think of all the valuable things that I have taught you - I'll wait.
Done? No? Okay, I'll wait more.
Alright, I am sure you aren't quite done, but I must insist that we move on.
It turns out, I am a marketing genius. I am sure you are thinking to yourself, "Really? This site is just like every other blog out there - not very good and not very well known." Well, that is the image that I worked very hard to achieve to avoid becoming too rich and too famous (although, that plan may have worked too well, so maybe you could forward this URL to your friends and post it on facebook). Nevertheless, it is true: I am a marketing guru - my middle name is, in fact, Marketing** - and I want to pass that guru-ness on to you. To that end, I introduce to you "Marketing Wednesdays: A Mini-series of Marketing Fails". This will run for at least 4 or 5 weeks.
This week: Monsters.
Remember the good ol' days when fancy, computer-animated monsters on advertisements were the ultimate sign of professionalism and prestige? Especially in the dental profession? Yeah, me neither. But apparently Dr. Dan does:
Sorry, Dr. Dan, but telling me about how great you are at pulling monsters' teeth and having a monster's testimonial does not increase the chances of me coming to visit you. In fact, I am now less likely to visit you.
Here is the thing, my dog's vet did a great job removing my dog's kidney stones, but if I were to get kidney stones, I would go to a people doctor. If my monster has a toothache, I will go to Dr. Dan; if I have a toothache, I will go to a people dentist.
Also, I hate when people go by Dr. [first name here]. It feels... wrong.
Finally, props to BSB and his iPhone for sending in the picture of Dr. Dan's ad.
**My middle name may or may not actually be Mark. But who is counting.
Done? No? Okay, I'll wait more.
Alright, I am sure you aren't quite done, but I must insist that we move on.
It turns out, I am a marketing genius. I am sure you are thinking to yourself, "Really? This site is just like every other blog out there - not very good and not very well known." Well, that is the image that I worked very hard to achieve to avoid becoming too rich and too famous (although, that plan may have worked too well, so maybe you could forward this URL to your friends and post it on facebook). Nevertheless, it is true: I am a marketing guru - my middle name is, in fact, Marketing** - and I want to pass that guru-ness on to you. To that end, I introduce to you "Marketing Wednesdays: A Mini-series of Marketing Fails". This will run for at least 4 or 5 weeks.
This week: Monsters.
Remember the good ol' days when fancy, computer-animated monsters on advertisements were the ultimate sign of professionalism and prestige? Especially in the dental profession? Yeah, me neither. But apparently Dr. Dan does:
Sorry, Dr. Dan, but telling me about how great you are at pulling monsters' teeth and having a monster's testimonial does not increase the chances of me coming to visit you. In fact, I am now less likely to visit you.
Here is the thing, my dog's vet did a great job removing my dog's kidney stones, but if I were to get kidney stones, I would go to a people doctor. If my monster has a toothache, I will go to Dr. Dan; if I have a toothache, I will go to a people dentist.
Also, I hate when people go by Dr. [first name here]. It feels... wrong.
Finally, props to BSB and his iPhone for sending in the picture of Dr. Dan's ad.
**My middle name may or may not actually be Mark. But who is counting.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Tell Me Lies... Tell Me Sweet, Little Lies
Lately I have been having a numbness problem in my left hand. I lose feeling in my left pinky and down the left side of my hand on a regular basis. I have had the problem for years - I attribute it to an elbow injury suffered in a game of ping-pong in high school, but that is a story for a different blog post - but lately it has come more often, so I figured I would get it checked.
Turns out it is "moderately-severe" pinched nerve (isn't something either moderate or severe?). Nothing super serious; the doctor is supposed to call me and tell me what he thinks we should do next.
During the process, however, I did have an interesting experience. When I went to have the nerve test done, the nurse took me back to the exam room to prep me for the doctor:
However - while the doctor may have thought I did well - as a man, my pride was a little shaken because the nurse said nobody reacts. I don't like to think of myself as a wuss, but I flinched a little.
As I was walking out the nurse saw me and said, "So, how'd it go?"
Which brings me to my next point:
I am waiting...
Ok, are they gone? Good, it is just those of us who have learned that for the better part of our childhoods our parents lied and misled us. And for what?
There are some who say that kids need Santa to make Christmas fun. Really? Don't kids enjoy their birthdays? Don't kids enjoy any time they don't have to go to school and they get presents? Even without the aid of a fictitious character? Would a child really not be excited to for Christmas if they were taught something along the lines of, "Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth and in honor of His gift to all of us, mommy and daddy (and grandma and grandpa, etc) give gifts to you. Some people say that Santa brings the gifts and that is just their way of celebrating."?
Parents want their children to trust them on everything, but they don't always say trustworthy things. And they teach their kids not to take food or candy from strangers, not to let strangers in the house, and not to go around sitting on strangers laps, yet Christmas and Easter are all about breaking those rules.
I don't see the upside here. I would pay money to see a parent trying to get their son or daughter to do something and this conversation to take place:
Turns out it is "moderately-severe" pinched nerve (isn't something either moderate or severe?). Nothing super serious; the doctor is supposed to call me and tell me what he thinks we should do next.
During the process, however, I did have an interesting experience. When I went to have the nerve test done, the nurse took me back to the exam room to prep me for the doctor:
Nurse: Have you ever had a nerve test before?Shortly after that, she left and the doctor came in. Everything was going fine; the shocks were nothing. Then the doctor says, "Okay, now I need to use a needle and this is going to pinch." So she sticks the needle in the my arm and it didn't really hurt, but was more than nothing. The really strange part is that you have to flex and relax your muscles with the needle in. Then the doctor move to the next spot on my arm and the next spot and so on. None were painful, but the nurse definitely understated the role of the needle. Finally, the doctor says, "Now, this is really going to be uncomfortable." Then she shoves the needle in the palm of my hand. That one caused a little flinch - which the doctor said was impressive.
Me: No.
Nurse: Are you nervous?
Me: No.
Nurse: Okay, good, because it is really not that bad. What the doctor is going to do is hook some sensors to you and then give you little shocks. They don't hurt. It can be a little weird, but it doesn't hurt.
Me: Okay
I knew all of that and really wasn't concerned.
Nurse: Also, there is a needle involved... Are you afraid of needles?
Me: No.
Nurse: Okay, good, because it is just a little, tiny acupuncture needle that doesn't hurt at all... Really it is nothing... Not a big deal.
Me: Okay.
Nurse: I mean really, I have never seen anyone even flinch.
At this point I wanted to say, "Alright! I get it - not a big deal. Check." Especially since I don't mind needles anyway.
Me: Okay
However - while the doctor may have thought I did well - as a man, my pride was a little shaken because the nurse said nobody reacts. I don't like to think of myself as a wuss, but I flinched a little.
As I was walking out the nurse saw me and said, "So, how'd it go?"
Me: Not bad at all. Although, you weren't completely forthright about that whole painless needle thing.I don't want to hurt you, therefore, I lie to you... Hmmm. That seems like flawed logic to me. What about the fact that I trust the medical profession even less (I wasn't all that trusting of them in the first place, but this didn't help)? Or the fact that I questioned myself? I know, it seems crazy, but it is true; for a moment I doubted my toughness.
Nurse (chuckling): Yeah, but would you rather I did that or made you worry the whole time?
Which brings me to my next point:
*********************************
Spoiler Alert!!
If you still believe in Santa Claus (or the Easter Bunny) just leave now and pretend you never were here.
*********************************
I am waiting...
Ok, are they gone? Good, it is just those of us who have learned that for the better part of our childhoods our parents lied and misled us. And for what?
There are some who say that kids need Santa to make Christmas fun. Really? Don't kids enjoy their birthdays? Don't kids enjoy any time they don't have to go to school and they get presents? Even without the aid of a fictitious character? Would a child really not be excited to for Christmas if they were taught something along the lines of, "Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth and in honor of His gift to all of us, mommy and daddy (and grandma and grandpa, etc) give gifts to you. Some people say that Santa brings the gifts and that is just their way of celebrating."?
Parents want their children to trust them on everything, but they don't always say trustworthy things. And they teach their kids not to take food or candy from strangers, not to let strangers in the house, and not to go around sitting on strangers laps, yet Christmas and Easter are all about breaking those rules.
I don't see the upside here. I would pay money to see a parent trying to get their son or daughter to do something and this conversation to take place:
Parent: Just do it. You will be fine; I promise... don't you trust me?
Young Child (reluctantly): Yeah right. That is what you said about that whole Santa bit... and look how that turned out for me. I can't believe I was so foolish... a grown man going down a chimney... FOOL ME ONCE!
Monday, August 9, 2010
To see, or not to see...
I recently saw the movie Inception (which was brilliant!) but it reminded me of things that like and don't like about seeing movies:
I like previews. Maybe I am the only one, but I like to see the upcoming movies.
I don't like the commercials before the previews. I hate the pre-preview commercials. Which leads me to...
I don't like that I have to be 45 minutes early to a movie.
I like the huge screen and the premium sound system.
I don't like the price. When I saw Inception, it cost $8.75. Goodnight that is a lot of money. And if you want a drink, that is another $5.00. That is enough to remind me why I don't go to many movies.
I don't like trying to find parking.
I don't like people trying to discreetly text message. It doesn't work. That screen is very bright in a dark theatre. No matter how you try to hide it.
Never the less, I highly recommend Inception. It is a movie that makes you think.
A movie that I am not so sure about is the upcoming movie Devil. At first I was intrigued by it and thought that it may be a good horror movie/thriller. Then the words I have come to fear. "An M. Night Shyamalan Film". With no further ado, I present this little gem I found online: (based on actual ratings from rottentomatoes.com)
I like previews. Maybe I am the only one, but I like to see the upcoming movies.
I don't like the commercials before the previews. I hate the pre-preview commercials. Which leads me to...
I don't like that I have to be 45 minutes early to a movie.
I like the huge screen and the premium sound system.
I don't like the price. When I saw Inception, it cost $8.75. Goodnight that is a lot of money. And if you want a drink, that is another $5.00. That is enough to remind me why I don't go to many movies.
I don't like trying to find parking.
I don't like people trying to discreetly text message. It doesn't work. That screen is very bright in a dark theatre. No matter how you try to hide it.
Never the less, I highly recommend Inception. It is a movie that makes you think.
A movie that I am not so sure about is the upcoming movie Devil. At first I was intrigued by it and thought that it may be a good horror movie/thriller. Then the words I have come to fear. "An M. Night Shyamalan Film". With no further ado, I present this little gem I found online: (based on actual ratings from rottentomatoes.com)
Friday, August 6, 2010
Castor... C-A-S-T-O-R, but it is still bad advice.
My buddy's wife, M.BSB, posted the following on Facebook recently:
Thinking to myself that the comment was a joke, I smirked and thought, "what does she want her to do with that?" However, the next person's comment was even more detailed:
Now I am thinking to myself, "holy cow, this is messed up on all sorts of levels. Ingesting motor oil? That can't be good for the baby. She can't be serious."
So I began to type in google, "Castor oi" and google auto-populates "castor oil to induce labor". Now I am thinking to myself, "goodnight, people are sick! this is going too far!" However, after visiting this page, I realized I had confused castor oil and castrol oil. Apparently castor oil is a laxative. You must think that I felt dumb, eh? eh?
Well, if you do, you are wrong. Dead wrong. I still think it is dumb. Just like ingesting motor oil. Listen, whenever some says, "youll start to burn up and feel sick, that means its working. You will throw up and you will explode from the back end but...", I have to question the quality of their advice. I have to. (I don't make the rules).
I guess the logic must be "having a baby is a miserable experience (so I have heard), why not do anything you can to make it worse"?
This reminds me of when I was getting over a really bad bout of the flu and a woman suggested that I go running at the gym because "when you run it is like giving your body a fever and it gets better really fast". Ummm... yeah... thanks.
I also knew a person who would pour milk on his shins and hit his legs with a bat to make his bones stronger.
I would say those tips go right up there with bleeding dishes and putting leeches on one's self.
Please get this baby out of me.(If you didn't guess, she is pregnant.) Anyhow, I didn't think much of it and continued to scroll through the page of updates when I noticed a comment on her post.
try castor oil!!!!In my mind I saw this:
Try castor oil!!! Take a 20 oz bottle of juice drink about a 3rd of it. Then pour the castor oil in thil the bottle is full again. Shake it and then chug it down. Within about 3-4 hrs youll start to burn up and feel sick, that means its working. You will throw up and you will explode from the back end but it starts the contractions. Trust me.... It works.Whoa... whoa.
Now I am thinking to myself, "holy cow, this is messed up on all sorts of levels. Ingesting motor oil? That can't be good for the baby. She can't be serious."
So I began to type in google, "Castor oi" and google auto-populates "castor oil to induce labor". Now I am thinking to myself, "goodnight, people are sick! this is going too far!" However, after visiting this page, I realized I had confused castor oil and castrol oil. Apparently castor oil is a laxative. You must think that I felt dumb, eh? eh?
Well, if you do, you are wrong. Dead wrong. I still think it is dumb. Just like ingesting motor oil. Listen, whenever some says, "youll start to burn up and feel sick, that means its working. You will throw up and you will explode from the back end but...", I have to question the quality of their advice. I have to. (I don't make the rules).
I guess the logic must be "having a baby is a miserable experience (so I have heard), why not do anything you can to make it worse"?
This reminds me of when I was getting over a really bad bout of the flu and a woman suggested that I go running at the gym because "when you run it is like giving your body a fever and it gets better really fast". Ummm... yeah... thanks.
I also knew a person who would pour milk on his shins and hit his legs with a bat to make his bones stronger.
I would say those tips go right up there with bleeding dishes and putting leeches on one's self.
Monday, June 28, 2010
If you didn't already know...
So, the other day I was talking to JT (if you are thinking I am meaning Justin Timberlake, you are probably be wrong, but I won't confirm or deny that) and he mentioned that he had given his wife a compliment that wasn't true. To that I responded:
Anyhow, in that same vein, it has come to my attention that when someone is complaining about how they look, it is not a great idea to say, "You're decent."
Also, never tell a woman, "You look tired"... I will tell you now, that doesn't end well.
"Most good compliments tend to not be true" -Kenny(I may have been feeling a little cynical that day)
Anyhow, in that same vein, it has come to my attention that when someone is complaining about how they look, it is not a great idea to say, "You're decent."
Also, never tell a woman, "You look tired"... I will tell you now, that doesn't end well.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Names
Earlier today, for my own purposes, I needed to look up some 4 letter names (no, I am not having a child... much to my mother's dismay). So I googled "4 letter names that start with d" and of course a number of websites featuring baby names came up. One of the websites actually had a list comprised only of 4 letter names - turns out you really can find anything on the internet! - so that was the one I chose.
The webpage had two columns - boy names on the left and girl names on the right. I quickly found what I was looking for and was about to close the window when something caught my eye. What is this? Emma under the boy names?!? And Elie and Ella?
Listen people, I know that we have uni-sex names - Blair, Clair, Lindsay/Lindsey, Casey, Erin/Aaron, Jesse/Jessie, etc - but Emma, Elie, and Ella are simply not boy names. And I cannot be persuaded otherwise. That is like having a woman named Richard.
While we are talking about it, why are lists like this always called something like "Possible Baby Names"? I remember when my mother was pregnant with my youngest brother, The Swordsman (how is that for a name?), she went to the library and got a bunch of "baby name" books and I thought to myself, "what is the difference between a baby name and a grown-up name?" Seems like they should just be "name books".
And don't even get me started on the suggestion of the name "Flem". I feel like no one should ever be named after a substance produced by the body... Just my opinion. Sorry Pooh Williams, I have to draw the line somewhere.
The webpage had two columns - boy names on the left and girl names on the right. I quickly found what I was looking for and was about to close the window when something caught my eye. What is this? Emma under the boy names?!? And Elie and Ella?
Listen people, I know that we have uni-sex names - Blair, Clair, Lindsay/Lindsey, Casey, Erin/Aaron, Jesse/Jessie, etc - but Emma, Elie, and Ella are simply not boy names. And I cannot be persuaded otherwise. That is like having a woman named Richard.
While we are talking about it, why are lists like this always called something like "Possible Baby Names"? I remember when my mother was pregnant with my youngest brother, The Swordsman (how is that for a name?), she went to the library and got a bunch of "baby name" books and I thought to myself, "what is the difference between a baby name and a grown-up name?" Seems like they should just be "name books".
And don't even get me started on the suggestion of the name "Flem". I feel like no one should ever be named after a substance produced by the body... Just my opinion. Sorry Pooh Williams, I have to draw the line somewhere.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The World is Pavlov and We are His Dog...
This weekend Tap-Tap, Ernie, and I were at Arby's getting a bite to eat. The store wasn't busy - maybe 3 or 4 other people all seated and eating and no one else ordering. I ordered first with out incident and stepped aside to await my food. Ernie was next. As he was in the middle of his order, one of the patrons was leaving Arby's and rung a bell that was post above a sign which reads "Ring if our service was GREAT". Immediately - and as though she had no control over her reaction - the woman taking Ernie's order hollered, "THANK YOU!!!" (but in a tone that was more annoyed than grateful).
Now, I have been to Arby's enough to know that they train their employees to do this - which is fine, but not as a person is in mid-sentence while placing an order. And not shouting right in their face. Poor Ernie was so terrified we had to take him home so he could change his pants.
However, I can't fault the woman - she is a mere pawn in a sick and twisted game which we all fall victim to. In fact, just as I was writing this, my phone vibrated in my pocket notifying me that I had a text message. What did I do? I immediately stopped typing and reached for my phone; not a thought given. Was the message worth the interruption of my train of thought? No, but does that matter? Unfortunately that little device controls me and with every buzz and ring I come running. We have become subject to the dings, bells, and buzzes of the world.
And with that, enjoy this moment of Zen from The Office.
Now, I have been to Arby's enough to know that they train their employees to do this - which is fine, but not as a person is in mid-sentence while placing an order. And not shouting right in their face. Poor Ernie was so terrified we had to take him home so he could change his pants.
However, I can't fault the woman - she is a mere pawn in a sick and twisted game which we all fall victim to. In fact, just as I was writing this, my phone vibrated in my pocket notifying me that I had a text message. What did I do? I immediately stopped typing and reached for my phone; not a thought given. Was the message worth the interruption of my train of thought? No, but does that matter? Unfortunately that little device controls me and with every buzz and ring I come running. We have become subject to the dings, bells, and buzzes of the world.
And with that, enjoy this moment of Zen from The Office.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Personality Cookie
On my way back to work from the bank the other day, I needed to grab something quick for lunch. I was at a stop light and noticed Panda Express and realized it had been a while since I had been there. I got my usual half chow mien/half fried rice with sweet & sour pork and orange chicken.
After getting back to the office and eating my lunch, I turned my attention to the fortune cookie. Now, I don't really like eating fortune cookies, but I like reading the fortune and someone told me it was bad luck to read the fortune before first eating the cookie, so I eat them and then read the fortune. My fortune on this day?
That is in no way, shape, or form a fortune. And nobody can convince me otherwise. Perhaps if it were to have said "You will develop a deep appreciation of the arts and music", that may have been more acceptable, but even then I don't know. Let me give you an example of a good fortune cookie, "You will be successful in your career"; I received that one some time ago from Panda Express also and have it posted on my monitor at work - it is like a little ray of hope, which is what a fortune cookie should be.
It seems that Panda Express is moving away from the "Fortune Cookie" and delving into the less well know world of "Personality/Trait Cookie". Other good examples:
BTW, I would say that I do have a healthy appreciation of the arts and music. Good job personality cookie.
After getting back to the office and eating my lunch, I turned my attention to the fortune cookie. Now, I don't really like eating fortune cookies, but I like reading the fortune and someone told me it was bad luck to read the fortune before first eating the cookie, so I eat them and then read the fortune. My fortune on this day?
"You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music"Umm, what?
That is in no way, shape, or form a fortune. And nobody can convince me otherwise. Perhaps if it were to have said "You will develop a deep appreciation of the arts and music", that may have been more acceptable, but even then I don't know. Let me give you an example of a good fortune cookie, "You will be successful in your career"; I received that one some time ago from Panda Express also and have it posted on my monitor at work - it is like a little ray of hope, which is what a fortune cookie should be.
It seems that Panda Express is moving away from the "Fortune Cookie" and delving into the less well know world of "Personality/Trait Cookie". Other good examples:
"You are tall"Ah, yes. Nothing more refreshing than a good old personality/trait cookie.
"You like vegetables"
"You have dark hair"
"You like american-chinese food"
"You are smart"
"You have a keen ability to sense when people are uncomfortable"
"You tend to be late to parties"
"You use Old Spice® deodorant"
BTW, I would say that I do have a healthy appreciation of the arts and music. Good job personality cookie.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Life Lessons Revisited and Things that Make Me Go "Grrrr"
I was going through some old posts yesterday and last year I posted some valuable life lessons - one of which included "never name any fantasy sports teams 'undefeated'".
I feel that it is important that you know how that actually turned out for me. In the most recent NFL season we had a work fantasy league and I named my team "undefeated". We lost our first week. And like 4 out of the first 6 (prompting the above mentioned post). However, the team rallied and - on the shoulders of Chris Johnson - we went on massive winning streak. We ended up handing the #1 team their only 2 losses of the season and took the championship (sorry 'Cob). I have to say, I am really proud of those guys.
Lesson: Still probably not a good idea to toy with karma.
Also, it has been awhile since I've listed some of the little things that make me angry:
1. People who get on the elevator before letting those of us who have reached our destination exit the elevator. I am aghast that I even have to address this, but I kid you not, I got to the top floor of a building (there was nowhere left for me to go), the doors open, I step towards the exit and a man with a cart full of boxes moves to enter. The man sees me, says, "excuse me", then proceeds to have me move to the other side of the elevator so he can get enter. Once he is on the elevator he notices my look of disbelief and looks at me, motions to the door and says, "go ahead". The only problem is there is literally no opening for me to exit. I had to climb OVER his boxes and cart.
Really man, really? It wouldn't have just been easier for me to exit and then you enter? Really?
2. People who can't navigate a round-a-bout. There are 2 issues here. (1) There is no stop sign when entering. It is a yield; that means, if no one is coming, just go! No need to stop for 10 seconds and look around dumbfoundedly like a 10 year-old who just found a dollar bill and wants to make sure nobody sees he take it. (2) Once you are in the round-a-bout, don't stop to let others in. It really fouls things up.
3. People in the Utah County area need to use horns a little more and be offended by them a little less. Now I am not saying that we should become like huge cities where people have become inoculated to the sound of a horn, but a little tap on the horn is not a bad thing. And it does not mean that I am defiling your name. I am just letting you know that you did something dangerous or there is something you should be aware of.
Once again, big difference between this:
honk or honk honk
and this:
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkk-hhhhhhhooooooonnnnkkkkkkkkk
I feel that it is important that you know how that actually turned out for me. In the most recent NFL season we had a work fantasy league and I named my team "undefeated". We lost our first week. And like 4 out of the first 6 (prompting the above mentioned post). However, the team rallied and - on the shoulders of Chris Johnson - we went on massive winning streak. We ended up handing the #1 team their only 2 losses of the season and took the championship (sorry 'Cob). I have to say, I am really proud of those guys.
Lesson: Still probably not a good idea to toy with karma.
Also, it has been awhile since I've listed some of the little things that make me angry:
1. People who get on the elevator before letting those of us who have reached our destination exit the elevator. I am aghast that I even have to address this, but I kid you not, I got to the top floor of a building (there was nowhere left for me to go), the doors open, I step towards the exit and a man with a cart full of boxes moves to enter. The man sees me, says, "excuse me", then proceeds to have me move to the other side of the elevator so he can get enter. Once he is on the elevator he notices my look of disbelief and looks at me, motions to the door and says, "go ahead". The only problem is there is literally no opening for me to exit. I had to climb OVER his boxes and cart.
Really man, really? It wouldn't have just been easier for me to exit and then you enter? Really?
2. People who can't navigate a round-a-bout. There are 2 issues here. (1) There is no stop sign when entering. It is a yield; that means, if no one is coming, just go! No need to stop for 10 seconds and look around dumbfoundedly like a 10 year-old who just found a dollar bill and wants to make sure nobody sees he take it. (2) Once you are in the round-a-bout, don't stop to let others in. It really fouls things up.
3. People in the Utah County area need to use horns a little more and be offended by them a little less. Now I am not saying that we should become like huge cities where people have become inoculated to the sound of a horn, but a little tap on the horn is not a bad thing. And it does not mean that I am defiling your name. I am just letting you know that you did something dangerous or there is something you should be aware of.
Once again, big difference between this:
honk or honk honk
and this:
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkk-hhhhhhhooooooonnnnkkkkkkkkk
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Happiness
So, this will be a bit of a deviation from my normal light-hearted posts, but I think it is worth it.
I was reading on MSNBC.com this morning and came across a couple of articles about on the subject of happiness.
The first was "5 Things That Will Make You Happier". None of them were a surprise to me, but I found it interesting that it came out of a study of 51 studies. I really liked this quote: "recent research suggests people actually can take charge of their own happiness and boost it through certain practices."
People do need to TAKE CHARGE of happiness in their lives. Life is not just about things that happen to us, it is about how we react to those things. It is interesting that they state "life situations have a smaller influence on our happiness than we think they do".
In summary, the 5 things are:
1. Be Grateful
2. Be Optimistic
3. Count Your Blessings
4. Use Your Strengths
5. Commit Acts of Kindness
Like I said, no shockers - in fact, it is funny that this study reinforces what the Bible and scriptures have been saying, well, FOREVER.
The next article I found interesting because it was about what States people were happiest in. Honestly, I did not expect Utah to be very high because so many people (in Utah) talk about how people here are unhappy because of the pressures placed on them by the prominent religion (I made that argument many times as a teenager). However, I have since changed my thinking and feel that it is not as bad as I once thought it was. I think a lot of those pressures are more perceived than actual.
Interesting side note, while putting this together, I was talking with CLR and posed the question "where do you think Utah ranked in a study analyzing what states had the happiest people?" He said he didn't think that Utah would be very high (citing a high rate of people treated for depression).
Without further ado, Utah is number two. I guess people who think otherwise are giving into the stigma (Like CLR and me).
Top 5:
Hawaii: 70.2
Utah: 68.3
Montana: 68.3
Minnesota: 67.8
Iowa: 67.6
The final feature was "7 Thoughts that are Bad for You". I don't think they are as much thoughts, per se, as they are states-of-mind or attitudes, but relevant in any case.
7. Cynicism
6. Lack of Meaning
5. Fretting
4. Lack of Self-Control
3. Anxiety
2. Gloom and Doom
1. Stress
Like I said, interesting.
The main take-away I got was the reinforced belief that a person can have a large effect on their own happiness.
I was reading on MSNBC.com this morning and came across a couple of articles about on the subject of happiness.
The first was "5 Things That Will Make You Happier". None of them were a surprise to me, but I found it interesting that it came out of a study of 51 studies. I really liked this quote: "recent research suggests people actually can take charge of their own happiness and boost it through certain practices."
People do need to TAKE CHARGE of happiness in their lives. Life is not just about things that happen to us, it is about how we react to those things. It is interesting that they state "life situations have a smaller influence on our happiness than we think they do".
In summary, the 5 things are:
1. Be Grateful
2. Be Optimistic
3. Count Your Blessings
4. Use Your Strengths
5. Commit Acts of Kindness
Like I said, no shockers - in fact, it is funny that this study reinforces what the Bible and scriptures have been saying, well, FOREVER.
The next article I found interesting because it was about what States people were happiest in. Honestly, I did not expect Utah to be very high because so many people (in Utah) talk about how people here are unhappy because of the pressures placed on them by the prominent religion (I made that argument many times as a teenager). However, I have since changed my thinking and feel that it is not as bad as I once thought it was. I think a lot of those pressures are more perceived than actual.
Interesting side note, while putting this together, I was talking with CLR and posed the question "where do you think Utah ranked in a study analyzing what states had the happiest people?" He said he didn't think that Utah would be very high (citing a high rate of people treated for depression).
Without further ado, Utah is number two. I guess people who think otherwise are giving into the stigma (Like CLR and me).
Top 5:
Hawaii: 70.2
Utah: 68.3
Montana: 68.3
Minnesota: 67.8
Iowa: 67.6
The final feature was "7 Thoughts that are Bad for You". I don't think they are as much thoughts, per se, as they are states-of-mind or attitudes, but relevant in any case.
7. Cynicism
6. Lack of Meaning
5. Fretting
4. Lack of Self-Control
3. Anxiety
2. Gloom and Doom
1. Stress
Like I said, interesting.
The main take-away I got was the reinforced belief that a person can have a large effect on their own happiness.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
My Name is...
Some of you may remember a post I did back in September about people getting my last name wrong. I followed that up with this post when Google spited me with suggesting my name be spelled differently. Well, Apple never wants to out done by Google and tonight my iPhone stuck to me in a similar but different way.
When your last name is Rawlins, one thing you have to be prepared for is being called "Rawlings". A LOT. Even as an LDS missionary where I was wearing a name tag 100% of the time, it seemed I got Rawlings as much as Rawlins. Well, thanks for keeping the trend alive iPhone.
However, I can't be too hard on people as I recently butchered one of my professor's name. A few weeks ago I had a question about a test, so I stopped by the instructor's office.
On another note, I never know what to call my professors... Mr./Mrs. So-and-so? Prof. So-and-so? Dr. So-and-so? Just by their first name?
When your last name is Rawlins, one thing you have to be prepared for is being called "Rawlings". A LOT. Even as an LDS missionary where I was wearing a name tag 100% of the time, it seemed I got Rawlings as much as Rawlins. Well, thanks for keeping the trend alive iPhone.
However, I can't be too hard on people as I recently butchered one of my professor's name. A few weeks ago I had a question about a test, so I stopped by the instructor's office.
(Door is open)AWKWARD....
Me: *knock-knock* Mr. Wilberg?
Professor: Wiberg
Me: Excuse me?
Professor: It's Wiberg. There is no "L" in my name.
*Silence*
(I look at his name plate on the door)
Me: Well, I'll be... you're right.
Professor: I know.
On another note, I never know what to call my professors... Mr./Mrs. So-and-so? Prof. So-and-so? Dr. So-and-so? Just by their first name?
Monday, September 21, 2009
The World Almost Never Ends
I was reading in my stress management textbook:
Wow, they really went out on a limb there, didn't they? Question - How many problems in the history of the world have been "the end of the world." Answer - Zero. So couldn't they have really said, "It never is"?
All they did was leave the door open for people to think that their problem is going to be the one that actually ends the world. How is that for stress relief.
Quite frankly, isn't the thing that makes problems problems the fact that they don't end the world; You have to deal with them?
"Another form of perspective happens when you see your stressful situation as neither the best nor the worst thing that has happened or will happen. This can give you great relief. When people overreact, they treat their stressful problem as the end of the world. It almost never is. You should try to see your stress as not the best, but also not the worst that can happen. In other words, it's manageable."This is great advice and insight. Especially this little nugget about a problem being the end of the world - "It almost never is."
Wow, they really went out on a limb there, didn't they? Question - How many problems in the history of the world have been "the end of the world." Answer - Zero. So couldn't they have really said, "It never is"?
All they did was leave the door open for people to think that their problem is going to be the one that actually ends the world. How is that for stress relief.
Quite frankly, isn't the thing that makes problems problems the fact that they don't end the world; You have to deal with them?
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