Thursday, February 11, 2010

13 Socks?!?!

Dear Jerzees socks people,
I recently bought a few packages of socks from Walmart (my friend Ernie doesn't really like Walmart, but the prices are good and - after seeing the other people there - I feel better about everything that is "me") and it just so happens that the best prices were for Jerzee Brand socks.

As everyone is, I was delighted to get home and open my new socks... that excitement quickly faded when I discovered 13 socks in my package of white, low-cut, men’s, size 12 socks. Allegedly, the package contained 6 pairs; now, I may be a High School drop out, but a dummy I'm not. After consulting my calculator, I learned that 6 times 2 is 12. Imagine my dismay!

Some may be pleased to receive an extra sock (although, these are the same people who believe that dryers eat socks, so I don't know that we should give much credit to their opinion). What you don’t understand is I have a long and storied history with matching socks. Legend has it my Grandmother has repeatedly said, "if there are socks in heaven, I'm not going!" I will have you know that my Grandmother is a saintly woman and there better not be any socks in heaven.

Furthermore, do you know what it was like finding clean and matching socks in my house as a young man? Finding water in the Sahara would have been easier. Because of this history, having socks correctly paired is important to me. I recently went 2 years without losing a sock. In fact, if I do laundry and a sock is missing, the lone sock gets burned and buried 6 feet under.

I do not mess around with solo socks.

Do you know how hard it is going to be for me to match 13 socks? Nearly impossible. I stayed up for 2 nights trying to figure it out. Given this predicament I have no choice to send back this sock. I shudder to think that someone may have only gotten 11. Please ensure that this will never happen again; the world is messed up enough as it is.


**While some elements of this tale may be exaggerated, the 13 socks part - true; Grandma part - true

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