The Kenny Vernacular (Part 2)

Torques My Grinder - When something "torques my grinder", it makes me angry. Windows Vista torques my grinder... When the Jazz lose my grinder is torqued... Speeding tickets torque my grinder... People who text while they drive, drive in the left lane when they are not passing anyone, and/or drive in my blind spot all torque my grinder...

The Kenny Vernacular (Part 1)

Part of what makes me me is that I have a distinct way of saying things... Here is (the beginning of) a list of terms, phrases, and acronyms you should know...

M.A.S.S. - Mid-Afternoon Sleepy Syndrome - This is that period of time after lunch when it is all you can do to not fall asleep. In a perfect world, we would have a nap time and call it something exciting like, ummm, I don't know... a Siesta? I know, I am being ridiculous... However, M.A.S.S. must never, ever, ever be confused with A.D.S.S...

A.D.S.S. - All-Day Sleepy Syndrome - This describes those days when from the moment you wake up, before you put on your make-up... wait, wait... no that is another thing... This describes those days when you never quite wake up. Well into the evening you feel like a groggy, zombie.

Hotter than a devil's drawers - Not sure exactly where I picked this little number up but I am fairly sure it is circa 2005. Let's just say that I am very warm when I bust this line.

Sweatin' like schvitz - I have been using this one for years. When it is "hotter than a devil's drawers", chances are I am sweatin' schvitz. (I guess a "schvitz" is either a turkish bath-house, or the yiddish word for "sweat")

The Christmas Effect - This is that feeling that you get when something exciting is going to happen. Maybe you ordered a cool new computer online and you have to wait for it to be shipped to you... Or it is the beginning of October and you can feel the Utah Jazz season just around the corner... that is the Christmas effect.

More to come...

Not so hungry hippos

Back in 2005, I came across this cartoon about the hungry hungry hippos and thought it was funny. I was into making shirts at the time, so I reproduced the cartoon a bit differently and as a high res image:

However, I had long since forgotten about it. Then today I was talking to The 'Cob (jiggs, yalkin, DJ Jazzy Jake... whatever you want to call him) and he reminded me I had made it... Had to throw it on the blog.

Oat bag... I got my oat bag now...

Nearly everyday at work I have oatmeal for breakfast. Oatmeal is quick, simple, I can eat it while I work, supposedly it is healthy and I am not a big breakfast fan anyhow. The thing that surprises me is that there are quite a few people who do this.

Well, every time I see us all in there making our oats, I think of Jerry Seinfeld and this little bit:

Tostitos + slow day + "Letters from a Nut" =

I have been trying to organize and consolidate my 6 external hard drives - it's the nerd in me - and as I have been doing this, I have come across some interesting stuff. Some funny, some lame, some cool, and some I have no idea where it came from.

Well, somewhere in between funny and lame is this little diddy that I found. It's a satirical letter that I wrote one day when work was slow back in 2005 and it answers the age old question, "what do you get when combine a slow day, a bag of tostitos, and a co-worker with the book 'letters from a nut'?"

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Dear Tostitos,

Let me start by saying that I LOVE your chips. Normally, I feel that the word love is not appropriate for this context, but - where I am talking about your tortilla chips - I will make an exception. I particularly enjoy your "Tostitos Scoops". They really are “The Dip Lover’s Chips”!!! In fact, I am eating some right now.

This brings me to the reason for this letter; I was reading the back of the bag and noticed that you have the catch phrase, “Nothing Brings People Together Like Tostitos Brand Tortilla Chips”. That got me thinking, “Is there anything that brings people together like Tostitos?” Even now, I am surrounded by my co-workers sharing my bag of Tostitos, despite the fact that I have what some would call an “odor problem” (my mother says it makes me unique). However, I have one word for you: Funeral.

That’s right - nothing brings people together like Tostitos tortilla chips… except a funeral.

Think about it, no matter what is going on, if someone you know dies, you are going to go to the funeral. Even if you don’t know them that well - which, if you ask me, is a little strange since the person is dead and they won’t know if you were there. Maybe it is the food that keeps people coming back (I love really like funeral potatoes…)

Hey! You should provide a bag of Tostitos Scoop to every funeral! And then you could market the fact that it’s the Tostitos that bring people to funerals – not the dead guy… (umm, if you do use that idea, I would like to be reimbursed for it, cause - lets face it - it's golden)

Well, just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job and you should consider changing you catchphrase to “Nothing Brings People Together Like Tostitos Brand Tortilla Chips – Except a Funeral”.

Sincerely, you biggest fan,

Richard Furr (This is a completely fictitious name and is no way meant to impersonate any Richard, Rich, or Dick Furrs)

P.S. – Why do some of my scoops come flat? It is not like they are broken, just flat... like a normal chip. I die a little inside every time that happens. Maybe you should consider some type of warning on the bag - "WARNING: Scoops may be flat. It's not their fault."

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And just for kick n' giggles, here is a fictitious letter from Peter Griffin

Me Fail English!?! That's Unpossible...

Most people know that my academic career has been... ummm... less than stellar. Well for the last few weeks I have been working with UVU to overcome my past academic shortcomings and get off academic suspension. Well, today, as I was leaving campus, I saw this little gem and thought to myself, "I didn't meet the academic standard here?!?"

Seems to me that it should say either, "Please don't make A trail in the lawn. Thanks" or "Please don't makes trails in the lawn. Thanks"

But hey, I am the one on academic suspension... what do I know?

In any case - I believe this little nugget from Ralphie is applicable

Two quick notes (if you are interested) - First of all - as of today - I am back in school at UVU and intend to do better this time around. Hopefully over the past 6 years I have learned a thing or two about applying myself and meeting deadlines. Also, I really like UVU despite the fact that this my second post about oddities on campus. Like I say, "UVU: Home of the Brave" ;)

uh, what?

Call me old fashion, but I recall the good ol’ days when parents use to watch out for their children – “don’t eat that…”, “get that outta your ear…”, “don’t run out in the road…”, “get down from there…”, and – of course – “don’t play near the train tracks!”

But now-a-days? People don’t tell their kids “no”, they want others to account for their kids.

That’s right you trains! Slow down… our kids are playing here! No sense in wasting a semi-level, not-so-safe field. Especially when the nearest park is a whole block away!

I don’t know much about trains - but in what I have heard, no one has made special note of their superior braking power… but I am sure they will stop in time.

What is next? “hey raw meat, don’t make my kid sick when he eats you.” Or, “hey ground, don’t hurt my kid when he falls off the roof. And while we are at it, hey roof, don’t let my kid fall off!”