Monday, December 13, 2010

A Revolt Against the English Language

I have a love/hate relationship with the English language. I love it because it is the only language I speak and I hate it for almost every other reason. For instance, in the following sentence, the word "right" has four different meanings:
"I have the right to turn right right there, right?"
It could be re-written as:
"I am allowed to turn right exactly there, correct?"
They mean the same thing. It could be an Abbott and Costello routine.
Guy #1: "So I take the next left?"
Guy #2: "Right."
#1: "Wait... I take the next right?"
#2: "No, you take the next left."
#1: "That is exactly what I said. I take the next left."
#2: "Right."
#1: "Now hold on there buster; you said I take the next left!"
#2: "Right."
#1: "Well what is it? Left or Right?"
#2: "Left."
#1: "Well then why on earth do you keep saying, 'right', when I ask if I am turning left?!?!?"
#2: "Because it's right."
#1: "But you said I have to turn left!"
#2: "Exactly! take your next left."
#1: "That is your final answer... Take the next left?"
#2: "Right."
#1: "Why I oughta... If I weren't driving this daggum car, I'd come over there and punch you square in the nose!!!"
#2: "what is your problem? You ask the question, I give the answer: take the next left."
#1: "You are sticking with left this time?"
#2: "Right"
I know what you are thinking to yourself, "Kenny, what about words that sound the same, but aren't spelled the same; how do you feel about those?"

I don't like them one bit.

Just last week a friend and I were chatting on Google Talk. She knew I was working on a huge project at work and trying to get ready for finals at the same time:
Friend: How are things going?
Kenny: Ok... right of passage, right?
Friend: um... rite of passage? right?
Kenny: ewe no how two sea wright thru me
Don't get me wrong... we both had a good chuckle because - lets face it - that was a pretty hilarious response. But still - I hate English.

Now some may say, "Kenny, be reasonable - all languages have there quirks, there isn't any language that would make you totally happy. And, besides, there are a lot of good things about English that you haven't acknowledged." And to that I would respond, "Don't be ridiculous. There is no room for reason in today's world. What kind of a blogger would I be if I didn't make impulsive, snap judgments based on half-truths and then declare them to be law? I'll tell you what kind of a blogger I would be - a bad one. If you want reason, you are in the wrong era. With the internet and media options we have today, we don't have to be reasonable nor listen to reasonable people."

So there you have it. I hate English and you should too.