Not so hungry hippos

Back in 2005, I came across this cartoon about the hungry hungry hippos and thought it was funny. I was into making shirts at the time, so I reproduced the cartoon a bit differently and as a high res image:

However, I had long since forgotten about it. Then today I was talking to The 'Cob (jiggs, yalkin, DJ Jazzy Jake... whatever you want to call him) and he reminded me I had made it... Had to throw it on the blog.

Oat bag... I got my oat bag now...

Nearly everyday at work I have oatmeal for breakfast. Oatmeal is quick, simple, I can eat it while I work, supposedly it is healthy and I am not a big breakfast fan anyhow. The thing that surprises me is that there are quite a few people who do this.

Well, every time I see us all in there making our oats, I think of Jerry Seinfeld and this little bit:

Tostitos + slow day + "Letters from a Nut" =

I have been trying to organize and consolidate my 6 external hard drives - it's the nerd in me - and as I have been doing this, I have come across some interesting stuff. Some funny, some lame, some cool, and some I have no idea where it came from.

Well, somewhere in between funny and lame is this little diddy that I found. It's a satirical letter that I wrote one day when work was slow back in 2005 and it answers the age old question, "what do you get when combine a slow day, a bag of tostitos, and a co-worker with the book 'letters from a nut'?"

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Dear Tostitos,

Let me start by saying that I LOVE your chips. Normally, I feel that the word love is not appropriate for this context, but - where I am talking about your tortilla chips - I will make an exception. I particularly enjoy your "Tostitos Scoops". They really are “The Dip Lover’s Chips”!!! In fact, I am eating some right now.

This brings me to the reason for this letter; I was reading the back of the bag and noticed that you have the catch phrase, “Nothing Brings People Together Like Tostitos Brand Tortilla Chips”. That got me thinking, “Is there anything that brings people together like Tostitos?” Even now, I am surrounded by my co-workers sharing my bag of Tostitos, despite the fact that I have what some would call an “odor problem” (my mother says it makes me unique). However, I have one word for you: Funeral.

That’s right - nothing brings people together like Tostitos tortilla chips… except a funeral.

Think about it, no matter what is going on, if someone you know dies, you are going to go to the funeral. Even if you don’t know them that well - which, if you ask me, is a little strange since the person is dead and they won’t know if you were there. Maybe it is the food that keeps people coming back (I love really like funeral potatoes…)

Hey! You should provide a bag of Tostitos Scoop to every funeral! And then you could market the fact that it’s the Tostitos that bring people to funerals – not the dead guy… (umm, if you do use that idea, I would like to be reimbursed for it, cause - lets face it - it's golden)

Well, just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job and you should consider changing you catchphrase to “Nothing Brings People Together Like Tostitos Brand Tortilla Chips – Except a Funeral”.

Sincerely, you biggest fan,

Richard Furr (This is a completely fictitious name and is no way meant to impersonate any Richard, Rich, or Dick Furrs)

P.S. – Why do some of my scoops come flat? It is not like they are broken, just flat... like a normal chip. I die a little inside every time that happens. Maybe you should consider some type of warning on the bag - "WARNING: Scoops may be flat. It's not their fault."

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And just for kick n' giggles, here is a fictitious letter from Peter Griffin

Me Fail English!?! That's Unpossible...

Most people know that my academic career has been... ummm... less than stellar. Well for the last few weeks I have been working with UVU to overcome my past academic shortcomings and get off academic suspension. Well, today, as I was leaving campus, I saw this little gem and thought to myself, "I didn't meet the academic standard here?!?"

Seems to me that it should say either, "Please don't make A trail in the lawn. Thanks" or "Please don't makes trails in the lawn. Thanks"

But hey, I am the one on academic suspension... what do I know?

In any case - I believe this little nugget from Ralphie is applicable

Two quick notes (if you are interested) - First of all - as of today - I am back in school at UVU and intend to do better this time around. Hopefully over the past 6 years I have learned a thing or two about applying myself and meeting deadlines. Also, I really like UVU despite the fact that this my second post about oddities on campus. Like I say, "UVU: Home of the Brave" ;)

uh, what?

Call me old fashion, but I recall the good ol’ days when parents use to watch out for their children – “don’t eat that…”, “get that outta your ear…”, “don’t run out in the road…”, “get down from there…”, and – of course – “don’t play near the train tracks!”

But now-a-days? People don’t tell their kids “no”, they want others to account for their kids.

That’s right you trains! Slow down… our kids are playing here! No sense in wasting a semi-level, not-so-safe field. Especially when the nearest park is a whole block away!

I don’t know much about trains - but in what I have heard, no one has made special note of their superior braking power… but I am sure they will stop in time.

What is next? “hey raw meat, don’t make my kid sick when he eats you.” Or, “hey ground, don’t hurt my kid when he falls off the roof. And while we are at it, hey roof, don’t let my kid fall off!”

I'm in a New York state of mind

Here is a recap of some of the things I did on my excursion to New York...

Brooklyn Bridge - Phenomenal. Love the brilliant stonework, design, and elevated walking path.

Grimaldi's - Good pizza - super thin crust... awesome atmosphere and owner... Just don't ask for breadsticks.

Magnolia's - Their little carmel macadamia nut white chocolate cheesecake is great but heavy and rich... Took the whole trip to eat... I am afraid Amy may be right, "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" is going to be very true...

Manhattan Temple - The most amazing building in NYC. The interior is exquisite. And it is so quite even in downtown...

The Frying Pan - Good steak sandwich and good Hot Dog (two trips to learn that). I really like their fries. Fun atmosphere as a Pier/Dock on the Hudson. Not necessarily something to go out of the way for, but if you are in the neighborhood having lunch with a friend...

Highline - Impressive path/garden and creative way to reclaim an old, elevated train track.

WTC Ground Zero - My third trip to this location. In '97, I went to the top of the Twin Towers. In '06, I visited ground zero and it looked like there had not been much progress. But now, in '09, I am glad to see that things are moving along. I am also impressed with the plans for the site - both the Freedom Tower and the memorial.

Mets Game - Great new stadium. We sat in section 128, row 6, seats 13 and 14. Fun atmosphere as long as you aren't a Mets fan. Great seats - can't be scared of foul balls though. Really fun. And great prices for food; can't beat $4.75 for a bag of peanuts! Seriously though, fun game.

Horse Drawn Buggy through Central Park from an... um... eccentric guy - need I say more?

Harry's Burritos - So I had high hopes for this place when I read "San Francisco Mission Style Cal-Mex" on the window. My shrimp tacos were good, but no free chips and salsa?!?! Not San Francisco Mission Style in my book.


Bodies Exhibit - Wow, this was incredible. I thought it was well done, beautiful, and educational. I really enjoyed this.

Lunch and Hanging Out on Pier 17 - fun, but I just realized that I didn't get a fortune cookie with my Chinese food...

The Elevated Acre - Gotta be observant in this city... This is a hidden little park on top of a building.

Staten Island Ferry - Nice view and free.

The Wicked Lottery - I know, all lotteries are wicked, right? But we were trying to get into Wicked... no luck there.

Pomodoro Rosso - Outdoor dining on a nice evening. I had the Linguine Frutti Di Mare... it was really good. Just a few buildings away from Harry's and here they had free bread... :)

Studio B and (non) Disco Skating - Um, aside from the fact that they ran out of skates for "disco skating" and didn't play songs - just beats on a loop - it was great... but then again, with no skates and no disco, what's the point of disco skating?

The City Bakery - Good french toast, nice ambiance and interior design, horrible website.

Reading in Central Park

Dinner at Tavern on the Green - Incredible ambiance right in Central Park. Good food. Good time.

Church in the singles ward - Good.

John Lennon Memorial in Central Park - Just as I remember it in '97. Someone made a cool peace sign made of rose petals.

Thanks go to Michelle for having an intership in the Big Apple...

And the plot thickens...

Well, just yesterday I posted an open letter to Wendy's concerning my dispair over their discision to market their 4 piece nugget as a great value and favor to us - the customer.

It seems that they either got my message and wanted to stick it to me OR they haven't yet discovered my blog...

In either case, you can imagine my dismay when I saw the following posted on the drive-thru speaker:

"We have repackaged our Nuggets to serve you better.
"4-Piece $.99
"6-Piece $1.39
"We are still offering combo #9 10 pcs. nuggets $4.99"

To serve me better?!? I fail to see how. I see the upside for Wendy's, but not for me.

Ummm... perhaps "We have repackaged our Nuggets to be more profitable" would be more accurate.

Not mad about the price... disturbed by the marketing...

Open Letter to Wendy's

Dear Wendy's,

I feel we need to talk about your perception of my intelligence. I understand that with the struggling economy you have to adjust your prices. Good things rarely last forever; really it was just a matter of time before your 5-piece nuggets either cost more or became 4-piece nuggets. I get it; that is the world we live in.

However, the other day I saw a commercial that made me sick. You were selling the great "value" of the 4-piece nugget. Ouch. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Did you think that I would exclaim, "Wow, what a great value! They have never offered me such a great deal!" If so, you were wrong… Dead wrong.

I believe in the commercial the dialogue went something like this:

Guy 1: Can Wendy's 4-piece chicken nuggets get any better?
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Correct.
Guy 3: Well, they could be 99¢.
Guy 1: More correct.

At this point I was thoroughly annoyed and thinking to myself, "You know, those nuggets were a lot better when they were 5 for 99¢!"

Quite frankly, if you feel the need to push the nuggets, I would rather have someone with a sympathetic voice slowly walking through a forest - or perhaps a park with some children playing in the background - as he looks at the camera and says, "At Wendy's we know the economy has you down. Its taking its toll on us as well. However, we are still committed to providing you with quality product at a great price. **brief pause** Unfortunately, there won't be as much product..." At which point the man pulls out a 4-piece nugget and continues, "Introducing the new, 4-piece Wendy's chicken nuggets for 99¢. Helping you fight fat, while we fight the recession." Then he gives a cheesy smile and a thumbs-up.

Let's call a spade a spade here. We all know 5 is better than 4. Stop pretending we don't know what is happening here and just give us the nuggets.

I’m sorry we have to speak under such bleek conditions, but I can't let this go unaddressed. I just can’t. There is too much at stake...

Sincerely,
Kenny

P.S. Don't think that I didn't notice when you started skimping on the bacon on the Jr. Bacon Cheese Burger.... Perhaps "junior" is an over-statement now...