Six Word Bio

In English our Professor told us about this thing called a "six word bio" - also known as a "six word memoir" (see this article from the new yorker). Basically, you take six word (absolutely no more than six!) and tell your life story. The two examples my professor gave were:

For sale, baby shoes, never worn (this is supposed to be some sort of masterpiece, but I don't see it.)

Finally met dream girl; already married (I like this one better)

In class we were challenged to come up with our own - not necessarily about ourselves - and since then I have come up with a number of them. However, I have to preface these by saying the happy ones aren't as funny and clever, so these are more satirical, ironic, and therefore a little less happy (even a little negative). And - unless otherwise stated - they aren't about me.

If I had to do one about me today:

Likes sports and women; currently miserable

Perhaps my tombstone will read:

Life long Jazz fan died disappointed

Now for the the non-Kenny ones:

Got rich, met woman, died broke. 

Bought all wanted, died in need.

Would've gone faster; stuck in traffic

Identity theft dies, name still unknown.

Ate very healthy, still died young.

Peed on electric fence; shocking experience.

Tried killing time, time killed me.

Said "it wasn't me"; it was.

Didn't stay on path; bear killed.

Lets hear some from you!

The Big Podcast

On Sunday I joined Mark Welling and Jake Stowell on their weekly podcast about the Utah Jazz. Now, I know that many of my readers are not avid Jazz fans, but who doesn't want to hear more from Kenny!

Listen to the Big Podcast here.

We address:

• The play of rookies Eric Maynor and Wes Matthews (Mark's Main Man).
• Is it good for NBA players to be so chummy after games.
• Why/IF the Jazz are playing better without Deron Williams?
• Was the four game Eastern Conference road trip a success?
• Should the Jazz start shopping CJ Miles and Kyle Korver?
• Is Boozer's reemergence the last two games due to Williams not being on the court?
• True/False Jerry Sloan plays rookies?
• A look into the future of Jazz prospective coaches once Jerry retires.
• Jake, Kenny, and Mark predict how the Jazz will fare this coming week.
• Lebron and his attempts to rule and run the NBA.

Signs - UVU Edition

You wanna know what I like about UVU? They are ahead of the times. They are progressive. You are NOT going to catch them by surprise.

In fact, the day Starbursts are able to grow legs and floating heads, UVU's elevators will be ready.

You wanna know what else I like about UVU? They don't concern themselves with using the write right words in the right places...

Yeah, that's right - "sing up" for the soccer tournament... Or is that supposed to be sign up?

Movies!!

So you need that little bit to get you from Thursday to Friday? Well, fear not! We will have a YouTube Thurdsay:

This music video is unreal! Honestly, the collaboration that had to take place is ridiculous.



I find this one hilarious... Wow, sometimes the truth is hilarious...



"You just fancy her more than she is objectively attractive... That's what love is!"

Oh Man... Vegetarians...



"It's an ethical thing; I don't think people should be treated like this..."

Not exactly brain surgery...



A dog that can skateboard!

A Moment for True Genius...

I would have liked to have been there when some genius came up with the idea for the "hunger banquet". I can see it now -

Ted: You know, world hunger is a serious problem... we should really try to do something... any ideas?

Eddie: Well, we could run a food and donation drive. People could donate canned goods or money which we could use to fight hunger.

Ted: whew... I don’t know... that might work. We will call that plan B... any other ideas?

Billy: Well - now I am just spitballing here - but we could host a banquet...

Eddie: What?!? How will that solve the problem of world hunger?

Ted: Shut up Eddie... I like it. Good job Ted; that is just the kind of outside-the-box thinking we need. We'll eat to feed the hungry - makes sense to me.

Wait a second... That's not a Taco!

Dear Taco Time,

As you will see, above I've included a picture of the side menu from your drive thru in Provo (pardon the quality - sunny day, iphone... you get it).

I'm concerned about your knowledge and understanding of ameri-mex (American-Mexican) food. Let me draw your attention to the specials on 3 days - Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday:

These are NOT soft tacos; they're burritos! I don't know who you've been talking to, but they are not your friends - in fact, they are you enemies. You are supposed to know the difference between a taco and a burrito - YOU'RE TACO TIME.

It's not that there is anything wrong with tacos... except you have to turn your head funny to eat them. And if it is a hard shell taco it falls apart after one bite - I HATE that... it's that you look silly making such a HUGE mistake.

This almost makes you look as foolish as those people who put a hotmail email address on their business cards... Who does that? No one will take you serious until you fix this.

I am sorry we had talk under such sad circumstances...

Kenny

Myths

One of the tough things about growing up is finding out that life lies to you... A LOT. How many times did you learn something in school just to have another teacher a few years later tell you that you were lied to? And it is not just school; everyday we live our lives assuming things are true when they aren't.

On October 5th, I posted some of my favorite quotes. The next day I may or may not have had the following gchat conversation and it may or may not have been with an astronaut on the space station.

---

Astronaut: um i have a concern
the "deepest fear" quote was said by nelson mandela.
not marianne williamson
i love the last Hinckley quote.

me: ah, thank you... and I am pretty sure that it is falsely attributed to nelson mandela

Astronaut: really?
are you sure
?
who's marianne williamson anyway?

me: she is an author... I was under the impression for the longest time that it was mandela also, but they always say in it was in his '94 inauguration speech and it is not
Look: Our deepest fear note
if you go to the bottom of this page you will see a note about it

Astronaut: huh.
weird.

me: I know

Astronaut: well, why should i believe that website any more than all the other ones that say nelson mandela said it?

me: hey, I know... it is a total trap... that is the thing about the internet.
I am just saying, people attribute it to his inauguration speech and it isn't there.

Astronaut: hm.
that's so weird.
why does everyone think that?

me: I don't know... why does everyone think that swallowed gum stays in your intestines for 7 years or that a penny falling from the empire state building will kill a person?

Astronaut: THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE!!!

me: hahaha.... ok
I wish it did come to from mandela... I don't know who this lady is... but as near as I can tell, it didn't come from him...
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Marianne_Williamson
oh snap, check this nugget out from nelsonmandela.org

Astronaut: I just told everyone in the space station the truth.
our worlds are shattered.

me: I am sorry
I hate to do that to people

Astronaut: haha.
that's all right.
i also told them that gum doesn't stay in our intestines for 7 years.
they were a little more hesitant to accept that fact.

me: I asked a dr... but he could have been lying
check out the blog for an addendum
off to lunch... ttyl

Astronaut: bye

---

Let us examine other myths we take as fact:

We swallow X number of spiders a year - Here is the thing - think about it - even if this were true, how could anyone know? Did someone monitor people sleeping for a year? Wouldn't this vary by region and house? Wouldn't we all wake up with spider bites on our faces several times a year? Need more evidence? Go here

Penny thrown off the Empire State Build will kill a person - Mythbusters tested this and it is false. Wind resistance keeps the penny from falling fast enough.

Gum stays in digestive system for 7 years - Warhammer and I had serious disagreements on this. So much so, I asked my ENT while I was at Stanford with sinus problems what he thought - since he is a doctor - and he agreed with me. If this myth were true, think of the number of people who would be hospitalized each year due to blocked intestines! The funny thing about this one is that my 6th grade science teacher believed this. Need more evidence? Go here

Who's Your Worm Guy?

Fixed the Volume... enjoy!

Let's talk about Christmas...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, we have just entered into one of the greatest times of the year. We can walk outside and it's not hotter than a devils drawers, College Football, NFL, NBA, Halloween, Thanksgiving, New Years, Skiing, World Series, sledding, new TV shows... the list goes on (not to mention there have been about a million birthdays over the past 8 weeks). And yes, most importantly, there is Christmas. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. It is wonderful.

However, some people - I am sure with good intentions - are unknowingly trying to ruin Christmas. I have seen it a million times and it makes me sick every time. The air gets a little crisp, snow begins to fall in the mountains, you see your breath in the air; the natural temptation is to start planning for Christmas (the mother of all holidays (MOAH)). You want to start listening to Christmas music, setup the Christmas tree, put some lights on the house, wear an ugly sweater, put the reindeer antlers on the dog, and sit on some fat guy's lap.

Friends, this is simply not okay... All of those things are fine - in fact, they are necessary (except that sweater...) - but things must be done in proper order.

How can I be scared on Halloween with Christmas music blaring?

How can I stuff my face on Thanksgiving with Santa decorations staring me in the face reminding me of my expanding waistline?

How can the World Series go on with reindeer eating the outfield?

Furthermore, we cannot put up with retail stores putting out their Christmas merchandise so early... It is corporate America trying to ruin everything!

With that in mind, the "Christmas Rule" is as follows:

The Christmas season shall begin on the forth Friday of each November (except in instances where November 1 falls on a Friday; in which case the Christmas season will begin on the fifth Friday of November).

The Christmas season will be over on January 2nd.

There will be no listening to or playing of Christmas music outside of the above mentioned time period.

There will be no decorating for Christmas outside of the above stated time period.

These rules are effective immediately and have been set forth to protect the specialness of Christmas and the honoring of the other sports, holidays, and activities which make this time of year special

Really, the question is, have you ever had really watered down kool-aid? Gross, right? That is what will happen if we continue to let the Christmas season creep... It will become un-special.

Signs!

I love signs that have typos, don't make sense, or are just dumb... so I will post them here... I am thinking this will be a Friday event. Lets get to it!

---

In the men's room in one of the chapels in San Francisco there was a baby changing table with illustrated instructions. The instructions always raised so many questions in my mind. I often wanted to take a picture, but never had a camera. Luckily, in a rest stop in Idaho, I came across the same set of instructions and can now share the questions with you!

1. Why is baby so huge?
2. Why aren't baby's legs attached? Why doesn't baby's have a pelvic region? (I know this is representative of the diaper, but not effective.)
3. Why don't baby's arms move?
4. Why does baby have to lay down his own towel and dispose of the towel?
5. Why doesn't baby dispose of the diaper?
6. What is the strap fastening baby to? (I know it's to the table, but the table is not in the picture.)
7. If baby is not to be left unattended, where are the adults in the instructions?
8. Again, why is baby SO HUGE?!?!

---

I almost feel bad posting stuff from signs at UVU (key word almost...) But there is a pumpkin icluded when you sign up for this pumpkin carving contest!

Ummm, what is "icludes"?

Move Please

Early in the month, I thought October was certainly going to be my highest posting month ever... Little did I know that my trip to The Desert, Manti, Lake Powell, long work hours, and school would interfere with that.

Anyhow, I make my return to blogging with a public service blog:

The 7 Worst Types of Left Lane Campers

The law of the land - and common courtesy - demands that "Slower Traffic Keep Right". Whether on a rural highway or a 5 lane super freeway, if there are at least two lanes going one way, the left lane is for passing... not for cruising. These people defy the law and courtesy...

7. Old people- I like old people, really, I do... But here is the thing - have you ever been rolling down the freeway and come upon a car going a shade over 48 mph and as you pass them, you see an elderly person white-knuckling the steering wheel trying to figure out where the horses and buggies have gone? You flash your lights, but their eyesight is shot. You honk, but they just try to adjust their hearing-aid?

We have to step in at some point... but the elderly can be feisty in holding on to those licenses. I tried to take away my parents license when they got old. For their fiftieth birthday's I tried to sneak their license and keys away, but I'll be a monkey's uncle if they can't throw their walkers a solid 50 ft... and man, their scooters are quick!

6. "A law? What is that?"- I am convinced that there is a group of people who do not know that it is even a law for the slow traffic stay right... I can't prove it, but my gut tells me it is so...

Anyhow, this is the person who gets on the freeway, immediately goes to the far left and settles in for a long drive.

5. "But I'll pass 'em eventually"- This genius is going 67.5 mph; a mile in the distance there is a car in the right lane going 67 mph. So what does she do? Well, of course, she gets in the left lane, maintains her speed, and when people start to go crazy due to the hold up, she thinks to herself, "hey, I'll pass them eventually!" That is true, you will pass them... eventually, but the world will end eventually and if I enter the lotto enough times, I will win eventually - that doesn't mean I sit in the left lane holding everyone up until that happens!

Here is a novel idea, until such time that it is completely necessary, stay in the right lane. Furthermore, when you do go to pass, give it a little gas, do the deed and move back over. Just a thought.

4. The Racecar Driver- This is the idiot who doesn't really want to go as fast as everyone else, but doesn't want anyone to pass him (or her) either. He sits in the left lane - slowing traffic and ignoring courtesy flashes - until someone goes to pass on the right. Once this happens, our prideful racecar driver decides to floor it. He slowly regresses back to his inappropriately slow speed and the cycle repeats itself.

Listen Mr Nascar, just go the speed you are comfortable with... in the right lane.

3. The Law-enforcers- Civilians who think that it is their responsibility to enforce the speed limit. The thing that I don't think that they realize is they are actually making the roadways less safe. It is far worse to have people weaving in and out of traffic than it is to have some people speeding mildly. Furthermore, it just incites road-rage... and that isn't good for anyone.

So - to you, Mr. wannabe law enforcer - I say, "Move over please."

2. Total oblivion- For whatever reason, this person has no idea what is going on around them. I have seen them come in all shapes and size. From the lady I saw reading a book, to the one I saw doing make-up, the guy on his phone ranting and raving about who knows what, the person rocking out the radio, or the woman with 42 kids in her Excursion; these are the people for whom driving is barely cracking the list of the top 5 things vying for their attention.

You can give the courtesy flash, but it will do no good... They don't know that there is anyone else on the road. Use extreme caution when passing on the right of this animal - who knows when they are suddenly going swerve across 5 lanes with reckless abandon during rush hour to get off their exit that they just realized they passed.

Listen friend, stop sending that email and giving yourself a manicure, you are going kill someone!

1. The Fuzz... 50... Po-Po... Cops...- Whatever you call them, they are the worst. The police know the law, they should move over. Nothing is worst than a police officer holding up traffic.

Final thought - Lets talk about the flashing of head lights - this is not necessarily meant to be offensive or rude; two quick flashes can simply mean, "Excuse me, I'd like to get by." So don't be afraid to flash and if you are flashed, don't get all bent out of shape, just move over.

With that said, it is the ULTIMATE form of none verbal communication and can lead to serious miscommunication... So be prepared to get the bird.

Google...

I like Google...

This morning I was looking at my analytics account and noticed that lately my search engine referrals have been getting much better; as I was looking at the terms that refer people to me, I noticed that on Monday someone was referred after googling my name (and I am pretty sure it wasn't me...). WOOT!

I hate Google...

To validate that it really finds my blog when you search "Kenny Rawlins" I had to test. When I googled myself I was pleased to see that many of the references were to me, but I also felt as though Google was trying to stick it to me when I saw this...

If you read this post, you will know why I feel like this is personal...

Other News...

Does anyone know the record for number of times hitting snooze in one morning? I may have broken that record...

While we are on the subject, how about the word "snooze"? What a weird word... Look at it; it even looks weird...

SNOOZE

Quotes (Part 1)

A couple of quotes that I like...

"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling the tail a leg doesn't make it one."

-Abraham Lincoln

"It takes a pretty thin pancake to only have one side."

-President Keller, CA-SF Mission

"Firm in principle; Flexible in proceedure."

-President Keller, CA-SF Mission

"Use your best judgement."

-President Keller, CA-SF Mission

"It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to everyone, but still unknown to himself."

-Francis Bacon

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am it to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, or fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your are a child of God. Your playing small does't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so other don't feel insecure are around you. We are born to manifest God's glory within us. Its not just in some of us, its in everyone. And, as you let your own light shine, you unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As you are liberated from your own fears, your presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson (See note below)

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts donít drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.

-Gordon B. Hinckley

"The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served."

-Gordon B. Hinckley

"I don't worry too much about the future, and I don't worry very much about the past. The past is gone, and you can't change, you can't correct it. The future, you can anticipate, but you can't necessrily do very much about it. It is the present you have to deal with. Reach out for every good opportunity to do what you ought to do."

- Gordon B Hinckley

** Some may be devastated to know that this quote did not come from one Mr. Nelson Mandela. His own website states this. And this site may be useful also...

Pirates!!!

Once upon a time I was was a pirate and since it is RCG's 25th birthday and my parent's 26th anniversary, I figured it was time to do a blog about pirates!

Check out this sweet stuff from 868valencia.org (not only are these things hilarious, but they are in headquartered in SF, so that is a triple word score):

Funny Posters

I don't know if 30 is really the new 20, but "Beards are the new black"...

Tell those Liberal cannon control freaks, "Cannons don't sink ships, pirates with cannons sink ships"

In somethings order doesn't matter, but in other things it really really does. Remember "Pillage before plunder, what a blunder. Plunder before pillage, mission fulfillage"

Trinkets

The captions on the website make these little nuggets hilarious!

"Sprinkle a small amount of this substance into the sea. Sometimes they come closer, sometimes they swim away. It's complicated"

"We can't help you with all of your problems. Sleep apnea, nervousness around tall people, transplanted pig intestines, all that stuff is on you. But your sea sickness, we might possibly be able to try and help you with that."

"TESTIMONIAL FROM REAL CUSTOMER: My living situation was really oppressive for a while there. My roommates did this thing where they sort of sucked the fun out of the air and filled it with their weird smells. I would just stay in my bedroom all day and sleep. I used this stuff, and now I'm all good.

"I lived inside of a whale, is the thing. My roommates were like...krill? My bedroom was this recess in the whale's stomach. Alright."

Once again, check this stuff out at 868valencia.org.

(Ok, Ron's B-day and my parents anniversary don't have any thing to do with pirates, but this is this sweet site that I have been meaning to post about and I wanted to give a shout out to mi padres and Ernie... Talk about killing one stone with two birds.)

Bathroom Signs!

Thanks Bob...
I was in the Provo Cafe Rio the other day and saw this piece of wisdom painted on the men's room wall.

Who is Bob Nilsen and what makes him think he is a tortilla expert? How many hand made tortillas has he even had?

I get it... Cafe Rio wants us to know that they have good tortillas - Heck, I even agree - I even understand them wanting to have that on their wall, but is the advertising any more effective if some guy I don't even know said the tortillas are the best in the world?

For all I know Bob has never even had a tortilla. He probably doesn't even know how to pronounce tortilla. I imagine the first time he tasted a Cafe Rio tortilla he turned to his wifey and said, "Daggum Shirl, these tort-tila things be good. They must be the best in the world..."

Thanks for the insight Bobby.

Please Read the Fine Print

Here is a picture of a very nice restroom in a restaurant here in the valley.

Very nice right? Obviously the last thing they want to do is put one of those tacky "All employees must wash hands before returning to work" signs, but, honestly, is this any better?

No, it is not better. This is tiny, looks like it came out of a fortune cookie, I don't know what the back ground is (burlap???), and I hate the typeface. How are employees even going to see it.

On a side note... how pathetic is it that there have to be signs to tell people to wash there hands?

Rawlins, that R-A-W-L-I-N-S

When you are at the dinner table and would like a soft, warm, round bread product to put butter on and eat with your meal, what do you do? Of course, you say, "please pass me a roll?" And if you were to spell roll, it would be R-O-L-L. And the word "in" is spelled I-N and we know what happens when you put an "s" on the end of a word.

Furthermore, when meat is uncooked it is what? Raw, that's R-A-W, raw.

We all know these things, yet some how when I say, "Hi, my name is Kenny Rawlins" people write down R-O-L-L-I-N-S, rather than R-A-W-L-I-N-S like it sounds. In what universe does that make sense? When I say "Kenny" they may as well write down "F-R-E-D". That makes about the same amount of sense to me. For the record:

R-A-W-L-I-N-S = Raw-l-ins
R-O-L-L-I-N-S = Roll-ins (as in, "I be rollin' in my 'Benz")

I blame the Collins; they prefer it be pronounced "Call-ins" because I don't think they wanted to be called "Coll-ins" because it would sound like "colons". Well, TDB (too dang bad), that is the phonetics of it and you will now have your name pronounced phonetically.

Oh, and BTW, there is no "g" in Rawlins. There is a distinct difference between "Rawlins" and "Rawlings".

On a more serious note...

On a serious note, I am not a huge fan of the Dave Matthews Band musically – I do like some songs – however, I thought that Dave Matthews had a great point in this interview with CNN.com:

"CNN: (speaking of politics in America) Everything has gone to such a frenzied pitch.

"Matthews: I think a lot of it has to be on the press. We give the podium to a lot of people who shouldn't have the podium. The message that's delivered the loudest and in the most entertaining way is the one that we're going to put on because that's what we want. We want ratings more than we want to deliver information. That's just where the culture's gotten.

"There's no way that Walter Cronkite, as a young journalist, no way Ed Murrow would be hired to do news today. Not a chance.

"CNN: Because they're too low-key? Because they're not bombastic?

"Matthews: Because they're thoughtful, and they're patient, and they're trying to tell you a truly balanced story. They're trying to impart information. I don't think that's the goal [now] because it's not a good business plan. ...

"Everyone's outraged all the time. Why are you outraged? There's war -- there's always been war, as long as most of us have been alive. There have always been people being abused, there's always been horrible things in the world. Why are we outraged? We should just be quiet and figure it out, and work it out together. ... There's no solution in Washington as long as people are shouting like that."

It drives me crazy when I watch or listen to the news and all I hear are people ranting and raving trying to cause a stir or a panic. It seems like ratings and "breaking" (or - unfortunately - making up) stories are valued more than being insightful, accurate, and trying to help solve problems.

Maybe I am being a bit extreme, but that is what if feels like. It seems like the media and the politicians feel it is better for them if the country is extremely polarized, so they do what the can to make every issue a polarizing issue.

I am tired of feeling like all I hear is the party line from politician and that every media personality is just looking to bolster their ratings at any cost.

I would like to feel like we are all looking for the best solutions to the problems we are facing - no matter where the idea comes from. Meaning, judge an idea based on the merits of the idea, not who the idea came from (or whether a "Dem" or "Rep" is below their name).

The World Almost Never Ends

I was reading in my stress management textbook:

"Another form of perspective happens when you see your stressful situation as neither the best nor the worst thing that has happened or will happen. This can give you great relief. When people overreact, they treat their stressful problem as the end of the world. It almost never is. You should try to see your stress as not the best, but also not the worst that can happen. In other words, it's manageable."

This is great advice and insight. Especially this little nugget about a problem being the end of the world - "It almost never is."

Wow, they really went out on a limb there, didn't they? Question - How many problems in the history of the world have been "the end of the world." Answer - Zero. So couldn't they have really said, "It never is"?

All they did was leave the door open for people to think that their problem is going to be the one that actually ends the world. How is that for stress relief.

Quite frankly, isn't the thing that makes problems problems the fact that they don't end the world; You have to deal with them?

Never the Worst

Haha, maybe my job is not so bad.

Thanks GNP.

A Chicken Nugget Revolution!

On July 6th and 7th, I blogged about my outrage over Wendy’s taking one of the nuggets out of the 5 piece nugget (making it a 4 piece nugget). Since then, every time I have gone to Wendy’s, I say, - strictly out of habit - “...and all have a 5 piece nugget” only to have them say, “we don’t have a 5 piece nugget anymore; will the 4 piece be alright?

Grrr... It happens every time!

Until yesterday that is... I finally remembered - “I will have a 4 piece nugget.” Imagine my surprise when I hear, “sir, we don’t have a 4 piece nugget. Only a 5 and 10 piece.”

Are you kidding me!

Apparently nobody liked the 4 piece idea, so Wendy’s brought back the good ol’ 5 piece. Which would be great if it were at the same great price. But alas, now the cost is $1.19.

The Revolution: Wendy's Select-a-Nugget

I have had enough. It is time for a revolution... A chicken nugget revolution that will change the way we order nuggets forever! I call upon Wendy’s to introduce the “Wendy's Select-a-Nugget”. It is simple:
-Each nugget is $.20
-Each customer orders the right number of nuggets for his or her needs.

If you are a 7 nugget person, you pay $1.40. If I am a 9 nugget guy, I pay $2.80. If some offensive lineman comes in and wants 24 nuggets, he drops $4.80 and his needs are met.

All a person has to say is: “I’ll have a 7 piece Wendy's Select-a-Nugget”. Easy Peazy Lemon Squeezy.

With this they can truly say, “Its waaaay better than fast food; its Wendy’s”.

Join with me in boycotting Wendy’s nuggets until the give us the true value of the Wendy's Select-a-Nugget.

Their OWN Website

Really, based on their current marketing efforts, this is the only logical step (click to see larger image):

I. Their website reads: "At Wendy's, we're unrivaled in our passion for giving people what they want -- and uncompromising in giving people what they deserve."

Well, how better to give people what they want and deserve than by giving people the number of nugget right for them? That's right - Wendy's Select-a-Nugget!

II. Wendy's already preaches the personalization; Shouldn't they take it to the next level? That's right Wendy's Select-a-Nugget!

III. This part is just messed up. Here they are advertising the five piece nugget for $0.99 even though that has not been a option for months. That is almost as cold as asking a guy how is girlfriend is the day after she dumped him just to see him fight back tears. That's harsh... really harsh.

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Valuable Life Lessons

A couple valuable life lessons:
1) never name any fantasy sports teams "undefeated"... Just don't mess with karma like that.

2) never go bungy jumping in Mexico... They just don't have the regulations.

My Utah Jazz Hat!!!!

I decided to embark on a little arts and crafts project on Friday. I have always liked the simplicity of the old Utah Jazz logo, but the color palette of the newest logo. A couple of months ago I recreated the old logo with the new colors and a slight variation of the "J"/basketball (to give it a newer feel) and on Friday I printed it out of fabric and sewed it on to a blank cap that I bought:

You can see the current and historic Jazz logos here.

The Kenny Vernacular (Part 2)

Torques My Grinder - When something "torques my grinder", it makes me angry. Windows Vista torques my grinder... When the Jazz lose my grinder is torqued... Speeding tickets torque my grinder... People who text while they drive, drive in the left lane when they are not passing anyone, and/or drive in my blind spot all torque my grinder...

The Kenny Vernacular (Part 1)

Part of what makes me me is that I have a distinct way of saying things... Here is (the beginning of) a list of terms, phrases, and acronyms you should know...

M.A.S.S. - Mid-Afternoon Sleepy Syndrome - This is that period of time after lunch when it is all you can do to not fall asleep. In a perfect world, we would have a nap time and call it something exciting like, ummm, I don't know... a Siesta? I know, I am being ridiculous... However, M.A.S.S. must never, ever, ever be confused with A.D.S.S...

A.D.S.S. - All-Day Sleepy Syndrome - This describes those days when from the moment you wake up, before you put on your make-up... wait, wait... no that is another thing... This describes those days when you never quite wake up. Well into the evening you feel like a groggy, zombie.

Hotter than a devil's drawers - Not sure exactly where I picked this little number up but I am fairly sure it is circa 2005. Let's just say that I am very warm when I bust this line.

Sweatin' like schvitz - I have been using this one for years. When it is "hotter than a devil's drawers", chances are I am sweatin' schvitz. (I guess a "schvitz" is either a turkish bath-house, or the yiddish word for "sweat")

The Christmas Effect - This is that feeling that you get when something exciting is going to happen. Maybe you ordered a cool new computer online and you have to wait for it to be shipped to you... Or it is the beginning of October and you can feel the Utah Jazz season just around the corner... that is the Christmas effect.

More to come...

Not so hungry hippos

Back in 2005, I came across this cartoon about the hungry hungry hippos and thought it was funny. I was into making shirts at the time, so I reproduced the cartoon a bit differently and as a high res image:

However, I had long since forgotten about it. Then today I was talking to The 'Cob (jiggs, yalkin, DJ Jazzy Jake... whatever you want to call him) and he reminded me I had made it... Had to throw it on the blog.

Oat bag... I got my oat bag now...

Nearly everyday at work I have oatmeal for breakfast. Oatmeal is quick, simple, I can eat it while I work, supposedly it is healthy and I am not a big breakfast fan anyhow. The thing that surprises me is that there are quite a few people who do this.

Well, every time I see us all in there making our oats, I think of Jerry Seinfeld and this little bit:

Tostitos + slow day + "Letters from a Nut" =

I have been trying to organize and consolidate my 6 external hard drives - it's the nerd in me - and as I have been doing this, I have come across some interesting stuff. Some funny, some lame, some cool, and some I have no idea where it came from.

Well, somewhere in between funny and lame is this little diddy that I found. It's a satirical letter that I wrote one day when work was slow back in 2005 and it answers the age old question, "what do you get when combine a slow day, a bag of tostitos, and a co-worker with the book 'letters from a nut'?"

---

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Dear Tostitos,

Let me start by saying that I LOVE your chips. Normally, I feel that the word love is not appropriate for this context, but - where I am talking about your tortilla chips - I will make an exception. I particularly enjoy your "Tostitos Scoops". They really are “The Dip Lover’s Chips”!!! In fact, I am eating some right now.

This brings me to the reason for this letter; I was reading the back of the bag and noticed that you have the catch phrase, “Nothing Brings People Together Like Tostitos Brand Tortilla Chips”. That got me thinking, “Is there anything that brings people together like Tostitos?” Even now, I am surrounded by my co-workers sharing my bag of Tostitos, despite the fact that I have what some would call an “odor problem” (my mother says it makes me unique). However, I have one word for you: Funeral.

That’s right - nothing brings people together like Tostitos tortilla chips… except a funeral.

Think about it, no matter what is going on, if someone you know dies, you are going to go to the funeral. Even if you don’t know them that well - which, if you ask me, is a little strange since the person is dead and they won’t know if you were there. Maybe it is the food that keeps people coming back (I love really like funeral potatoes…)

Hey! You should provide a bag of Tostitos Scoop to every funeral! And then you could market the fact that it’s the Tostitos that bring people to funerals – not the dead guy… (umm, if you do use that idea, I would like to be reimbursed for it, cause - lets face it - it's golden)

Well, just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job and you should consider changing you catchphrase to “Nothing Brings People Together Like Tostitos Brand Tortilla Chips – Except a Funeral”.

Sincerely, you biggest fan,

Richard Furr (This is a completely fictitious name and is no way meant to impersonate any Richard, Rich, or Dick Furrs)

P.S. – Why do some of my scoops come flat? It is not like they are broken, just flat... like a normal chip. I die a little inside every time that happens. Maybe you should consider some type of warning on the bag - "WARNING: Scoops may be flat. It's not their fault."

---

And just for kick n' giggles, here is a fictitious letter from Peter Griffin

Me Fail English!?! That's Unpossible...

Most people know that my academic career has been... ummm... less than stellar. Well for the last few weeks I have been working with UVU to overcome my past academic shortcomings and get off academic suspension. Well, today, as I was leaving campus, I saw this little gem and thought to myself, "I didn't meet the academic standard here?!?"

Seems to me that it should say either, "Please don't make A trail in the lawn. Thanks" or "Please don't makes trails in the lawn. Thanks"

But hey, I am the one on academic suspension... what do I know?

In any case - I believe this little nugget from Ralphie is applicable

Two quick notes (if you are interested) - First of all - as of today - I am back in school at UVU and intend to do better this time around. Hopefully over the past 6 years I have learned a thing or two about applying myself and meeting deadlines. Also, I really like UVU despite the fact that this my second post about oddities on campus. Like I say, "UVU: Home of the Brave" ;)

uh, what?

Call me old fashion, but I recall the good ol’ days when parents use to watch out for their children – “don’t eat that…”, “get that outta your ear…”, “don’t run out in the road…”, “get down from there…”, and – of course – “don’t play near the train tracks!”

But now-a-days? People don’t tell their kids “no”, they want others to account for their kids.

That’s right you trains! Slow down… our kids are playing here! No sense in wasting a semi-level, not-so-safe field. Especially when the nearest park is a whole block away!

I don’t know much about trains - but in what I have heard, no one has made special note of their superior braking power… but I am sure they will stop in time.

What is next? “hey raw meat, don’t make my kid sick when he eats you.” Or, “hey ground, don’t hurt my kid when he falls off the roof. And while we are at it, hey roof, don’t let my kid fall off!”

I'm in a New York state of mind

Here is a recap of some of the things I did on my excursion to New York...

Brooklyn Bridge - Phenomenal. Love the brilliant stonework, design, and elevated walking path.

Grimaldi's - Good pizza - super thin crust... awesome atmosphere and owner... Just don't ask for breadsticks.

Magnolia's - Their little carmel macadamia nut white chocolate cheesecake is great but heavy and rich... Took the whole trip to eat... I am afraid Amy may be right, "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" is going to be very true...

Manhattan Temple - The most amazing building in NYC. The interior is exquisite. And it is so quite even in downtown...

The Frying Pan - Good steak sandwich and good Hot Dog (two trips to learn that). I really like their fries. Fun atmosphere as a Pier/Dock on the Hudson. Not necessarily something to go out of the way for, but if you are in the neighborhood having lunch with a friend...

Highline - Impressive path/garden and creative way to reclaim an old, elevated train track.

WTC Ground Zero - My third trip to this location. In '97, I went to the top of the Twin Towers. In '06, I visited ground zero and it looked like there had not been much progress. But now, in '09, I am glad to see that things are moving along. I am also impressed with the plans for the site - both the Freedom Tower and the memorial.

Mets Game - Great new stadium. We sat in section 128, row 6, seats 13 and 14. Fun atmosphere as long as you aren't a Mets fan. Great seats - can't be scared of foul balls though. Really fun. And great prices for food; can't beat $4.75 for a bag of peanuts! Seriously though, fun game.

Horse Drawn Buggy through Central Park from an... um... eccentric guy - need I say more?

Harry's Burritos - So I had high hopes for this place when I read "San Francisco Mission Style Cal-Mex" on the window. My shrimp tacos were good, but no free chips and salsa?!?! Not San Francisco Mission Style in my book.


Bodies Exhibit - Wow, this was incredible. I thought it was well done, beautiful, and educational. I really enjoyed this.

Lunch and Hanging Out on Pier 17 - fun, but I just realized that I didn't get a fortune cookie with my Chinese food...

The Elevated Acre - Gotta be observant in this city... This is a hidden little park on top of a building.

Staten Island Ferry - Nice view and free.

The Wicked Lottery - I know, all lotteries are wicked, right? But we were trying to get into Wicked... no luck there.

Pomodoro Rosso - Outdoor dining on a nice evening. I had the Linguine Frutti Di Mare... it was really good. Just a few buildings away from Harry's and here they had free bread... :)

Studio B and (non) Disco Skating - Um, aside from the fact that they ran out of skates for "disco skating" and didn't play songs - just beats on a loop - it was great... but then again, with no skates and no disco, what's the point of disco skating?

The City Bakery - Good french toast, nice ambiance and interior design, horrible website.

Reading in Central Park

Dinner at Tavern on the Green - Incredible ambiance right in Central Park. Good food. Good time.

Church in the singles ward - Good.

John Lennon Memorial in Central Park - Just as I remember it in '97. Someone made a cool peace sign made of rose petals.

Thanks go to Michelle for having an intership in the Big Apple...

And the plot thickens...

Well, just yesterday I posted an open letter to Wendy's concerning my dispair over their discision to market their 4 piece nugget as a great value and favor to us - the customer.

It seems that they either got my message and wanted to stick it to me OR they haven't yet discovered my blog...

In either case, you can imagine my dismay when I saw the following posted on the drive-thru speaker:

"We have repackaged our Nuggets to serve you better.
"4-Piece $.99
"6-Piece $1.39
"We are still offering combo #9 10 pcs. nuggets $4.99"

To serve me better?!? I fail to see how. I see the upside for Wendy's, but not for me.

Ummm... perhaps "We have repackaged our Nuggets to be more profitable" would be more accurate.

Not mad about the price... disturbed by the marketing...

Open Letter to Wendy's

Dear Wendy's,

I feel we need to talk about your perception of my intelligence. I understand that with the struggling economy you have to adjust your prices. Good things rarely last forever; really it was just a matter of time before your 5-piece nuggets either cost more or became 4-piece nuggets. I get it; that is the world we live in.

However, the other day I saw a commercial that made me sick. You were selling the great "value" of the 4-piece nugget. Ouch. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Did you think that I would exclaim, "Wow, what a great value! They have never offered me such a great deal!" If so, you were wrong… Dead wrong.

I believe in the commercial the dialogue went something like this:

Guy 1: Can Wendy's 4-piece chicken nuggets get any better?
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Correct.
Guy 3: Well, they could be 99¢.
Guy 1: More correct.

At this point I was thoroughly annoyed and thinking to myself, "You know, those nuggets were a lot better when they were 5 for 99¢!"

Quite frankly, if you feel the need to push the nuggets, I would rather have someone with a sympathetic voice slowly walking through a forest - or perhaps a park with some children playing in the background - as he looks at the camera and says, "At Wendy's we know the economy has you down. Its taking its toll on us as well. However, we are still committed to providing you with quality product at a great price. **brief pause** Unfortunately, there won't be as much product..." At which point the man pulls out a 4-piece nugget and continues, "Introducing the new, 4-piece Wendy's chicken nuggets for 99¢. Helping you fight fat, while we fight the recession." Then he gives a cheesy smile and a thumbs-up.

Let's call a spade a spade here. We all know 5 is better than 4. Stop pretending we don't know what is happening here and just give us the nuggets.

I’m sorry we have to speak under such bleek conditions, but I can't let this go unaddressed. I just can’t. There is too much at stake...

Sincerely,
Kenny

P.S. Don't think that I didn't notice when you started skimping on the bacon on the Jr. Bacon Cheese Burger.... Perhaps "junior" is an over-statement now...

Which Restroom?

I was at UVU recently and call me crazy, but it looks like both

the men's and the women's bathrooms have people with skirts!

It is a good thing that I can read....

FWD: Text Messages!?!?!

One of my pet-peeves is lame e-mail FWD:'s that contain random pictures (IE - they don't have anyone I know in them and they weren't shot by anyone I know...), lame jokes, surveys or "about me" questionnaires, anything that has to do with "forward this to X number of people and you will... If you don't...", etc, etc.

It is one thing if I am forwarded a news story or a interesting fact. Perhaps a friend comes across a piece of information, a photo, song, link, or video that relates a conversation that we had or a common interest. All of those things would be totally appropriate to forward a long. However, the latest story that I have to forward to 12 people or I will have bad luck for 7 years is something I would prefer not to have come my way.

To make things worse, they seem to be creeping in to txt messaging. I need this like I need a whole in the head. In the last 24 hours I have receive the following twice:

"Due to the fact that micheal jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so kids can play with him for a change."

First of all... I didn't find that funny. Second of all... Micheal is actually spelled Michael (misspelled in both messages). Third of all... I know that the guy was weird, a seemed like a pervert, and allegedly did some horrible things - But the guy just died. Is this really appropriate?

While we are on the subject, I was surprised by some of the responses on sites such as facebook and twitter to the news of his death. Some people I knew were - for lack of a better word - celebratory... that seems a little messed up no matter what you think of the guy...